Morning Meditation - Savor These Moments

 Morning Meditation. Do not rush through life! You miss the chance to savor & cherish these rare moments. ✨

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Morning Meditation - Seek a Greater Peace

 Morning meditation™️. Some wounds make no sense, and may never fully heal. In these circumstances, seeking peace greater than the pain is the only action I know to engage. ✨

#HealingMorning™️  #MorningMeditation™️  #SeekPeaceThatIsGreaterThanThePain

...of all that is...

photo:  www.wenelo.com

In this month of April 2016, I see 2015 as a curious year.  As I look back on it now, I feel a sense of distance that goes beyond the linear mark.  I don't know if that is true detachment, or if it is a shell of self-preservation.  Only time will tell with that.

I lost a large number of people extremely close to me in 2015. Death was not particular about those chosen, taking both family and dear, life long friends in high numbers.  Looking back on that aspect of 2015, I am stunned at the list of those who transitioned, and I am equally stunned that I weathered that many losses and managed to keep hold of equanimity, acceptance and sanity. 

Of course, loss of sanity always surrounds us in the immediacy of loss through physical death, and I am not ashamed to admit that I had many dark nights of the soul because of those losses.

On the other end of the spectrum, I had triumphs.  I experienced love.  I shared my heart with sincerity and honesty, offering my deepest, truest self.  For some moments, that part of me was met and embraced, and I can look back on those moments with clear eyes that see shining beauty.

I stumbled many times, with repercussions of a most recent set of stumbles still playing out.  I am unsure of the direction those unexpected, haphazard, shocking, sometimes ripping and hurtful experiences will take me.

The only thing that I know at this moment is that I am learning and growing as a result.  I am continuing to take the next breath. That is all any of us can do when we absorb the stunning impact of disappointment and betrayal - we take that next step, breathe that next breath, and repeat the process in a numbed state until we are able to tentatively begin settling back inside ourselves.  Back inside from where we flew off and established that state of protection and detachment.

Perhaps that is actually what is happening.  I am settling back inside myself, reacquainting, realigning, reassembling, building and stitching together the old with what I brought back from the outside, from the distance and the quiet.

I often think that what we view as coming undone is the real making of us, because it forces us to release all those pieces of detritus that had been slowing us down, had been holding us back, had been slowly dulling our brilliance.

What prompted this article when it has been such a long time since I have written here?  I was busy the other day, in the midst of networking and focusing on career issues, and a random thought crossed my mind.  A question jumped from those thoughts, and I picked up my cell phone to call a dear friend.  Because I was doing so many things at once, juggling so many proverbial balls, I got all the way through scrolling through my contacts and clicking through to dial that phone number before reality slapped me sideways.  I remembered in a crashing rush that that friend is gone.  He died in September of 2015.

The inevitable avalanche of emotions flowed.  I went through a miniature version of the grief process, shed some tears, rode the wave of colorful memories that had me laughing along with the tears, because this friend always, always made me laugh.  And I pondered this life I'm living.  I pondered the curious process we live here on this Earth School.

I came up with no bright, unique answers.  No startling discoveries have hit my personal horizon. I find that the older I get, the more liquid becomes the process of accepting death, and of accepting change.  When I was wee, life was very finite and defined.  Black and white.  With age comes new perspective and perception, and all those infinite shades of gray.

I have no idea what the year of 2016 will bring for me, even as I sit here well into the fourth month of this year.  What I do know is that 2015 underscored in a dramatic fashion what we all know, and that is that nothing is promised to each of us.  Tomorrow is not promised.  The next moment is not promised, nor is the next breath.

In the span of all that is, each life lived on this planet is akin to the blink of an eye.  

We are such a brief expression of love and energy in physical form, it is another curious moment for me to ponder why we waste so much time.  We get bogged down in so many fears and doubts.  I have allowed myself to become entangled in my own fears and doubts, and I have participated and engaged in fears and doubts of those closest to me.  From that engagement, I have stumbled.  As I am regaining my balance from those stumbles, the clarity gained is of a quiet tone.  In that quiet, I am studying and processing, and making decisions.

I am aware of what I will no longer entertain.  I am aware of what I will no longer indulge.  I am cognizant in a manner that I have not experienced in a great while.  I am aware of promises that I made to myself ages ago, promises which have patiently waited for me to pick them up and breathe life into them....breathe life into ME.

This all sounds so ponderous and dramatic, yes?  In some ways, perhaps it is, but another curious note is that these shifts and realizations haven't hit with thundering impact.  They have slipped in gently, with very little fanfare.  Layers of myself have surrendered to being pared away, lifted up to the winds that swirl around only me, separating me from the old, and brushing, whispering change across my face....across my soul.  I have turned, eyes closed, a slowly spinning dance of release.

In that span of all that is, that which we label Infinity, here I am....expressing all that I am.  Doing my humble, human best to radiate Love outward.  Brushing fingertips with those of you who visit here, our eyes locking for a glance, our hearts marching to an identical rhythm for an instant.  And as the quote above offers....

....and in that moment, I swear....

WE WERE INFINITE....

For now, this knowing, this acceptance of NOT knowing....it is enough. 

Space Between

photo:  www.berlinembroidery.com

I've been silent here for several months.  I began blogging in 2009 and am approaching my five year anniversary in a couple of months.  In the last eighteen months or so, my writing here has slowed significantly.  I was never into the posting 3-5 times a week concept with my blog, but it was rare for me to go several weeks without writing something.  Now it has become the norm for me to go several months between posting here.  I haven't stressed overly about that, as I accept that everything has an ebb and flow to it.

I don't foresee ever completely abandoning this space, or the Healing Morning concept.  I expect that it will morph and grow with me throughout my life.  For the nonce, I am in a quiet phase with Healing Morning.  It isn't that I have nothing to say here.  Some of my thoughts find their way into a manuscript that I am focused upon with the intent of being published.  Other thoughts are valid and worthwhile to be published here, but my heart is simply not into doing it on a frequent basis right now.

Cycles.  Life is a constant series of cycles, of starting over, of learning, of achieving and of moving on.  My current quiet cycle is one that happens to me every couple of years.  I go inward, sorting through my thoughts, surveying where I currently dwell, the people around me, the work I do, and how all of those factors impact me.  What is my emotional health as a result?  How is my heart feeling on a deep, visceral level?  Am I fulfilled?  Am I wishing for more in any area of my life?  And can I fulfill those wishes on my own, or are they better realized with my hand held by another?  The answers to these questions take time, and a strong dose of honesty.  I'm working my way through the questions and the answers.

This is where I am.  Reflecting.  Realizing that endings are imminent.  Good-byes are necessary.  Some have actually already occurred, and one very recently resonated right out of my immediate sphere on its own.  The relief with that one was pretty profound; although there is sincere love for that person still, I recognize that the energy between us was just not meshing in a productive manner any longer.  The other person felt it, also, and an ending occurred.  It was healthy for both of us, and it was time for it to occur.  Other potential endings are still being ruminated in my heart and my conscious mind. 

It's a curious thing, how the state of pause can be full of a large degree of energetic activity.  I am in a holding pattern, yet there is a great deal going on around me.  Those cosmic threads are out there in the universe, attracting other energies and weaving new fabric together.  My part in this is to sweep out a lot of cobwebs and let go of old, threadbare clothing that no longer fits, no longer serves, and be ready to clothe myself in this newly woven fabric as it returns to me with all the bright new threads.  Each color a new possibility, a new experience, new relationships, new emotions, new strengths....all to mesh with the Me that stands in all that I have lived to this point.  I don't have a clue where it all will lead.  

So, I remain quiet.  Words are a constant, but they might not always make it here into a published post.  All those colored threads within the words are still forming a reality that is on the brink of manifesting.  I am in that space between breaths, between heartbeats, between blinks of the eye, between thoughts.  In my mind's eye, I exist as a brightly colored wisp of misty vapor, drifting along the currents of my own emotions.  The day-to-day reality keeps me tethered to this Earth School so that I do not drift away completely, and so that I have a path to retrace and come back to self.  Back to the here and now.  Back to that space between.  Back to that moment before the next beating of my heart, where possibilities are hovering, waiting to engage and be realized.

With wisdom gained

photo: http://wallpaperscraft.com/download/hands_pair_touch_54238/2560x1600

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin

Each time I read this quote, it prompts me to pause and recall moments in time....people who have touched my life and left an indelible mark.  Some positive experiences, some negative ones, with all teaching me about myself, about the world, about life.

It is a curious thing, that which we call Love.  We exist for a lifetime that is specific to our own little bubble of experience, and we are unaware, at least consciously, of that Other for countless years. We live our lives in a state of blissful ignorance, not truly daring to believe that such moments are within the realm of possibility.  But it is possible, and it does happen eventually.  Over the course of an individual lifetime, it happens many times, if we are fortunate enough to see and receive clearly.

Our heart knows them, as does our Soul, because the pure energy of each of us, I believe, dwells in a state of Divine Love.  How could we not recognize that Other, then, when they do step into our Life Path?  It is that moment of the Soul and heart finally exhaling, a long, soundless, "Ahh....there you are.  I've been waiting for you."

And all is brighter, sharper, happier and ohhh, so much more beautiful and vibrant in the world....for a time.

I think, and hope that those who are reading these words are smiling and nodding because each of you have experienced such moments.  Moments of instant friendship.  Moments of familial love that take up residence inside your heart within the twinkling of an eye.  Moments of intellects meshing.  Moments of laughter shared that shake the heart breathless with delight.  Moments of greeting a kindred spirit who speaks your same heart language.  Eyes meeting, energies aligning and smiles blossoming.  It is Love in its purest form when these moments occur, and each is to be cherished.

In this instance, I reflect on what is beautiful, and because it is so, it can be deemed a sad parting to contemplate.  Unbidden, not sought after, and certainly unwanted, yet a sad farewell that sometimes may become necessary.

Is it permanent?  Living my life to this point, I can say with confidence that I have learned there isn't much in this world that is truly permanent.  People who part from us, or from whom we part...sometimes a return does occur. Reunion can manifest through happenstance or by conscious design; sometimes we are blessed with return.

The living that both do in between goodbye and hello cause irrevocable changes in each one, yes.  And with that growth inside both people, the dynamic does change.  Given that we are changed on an intrinsic and cellular level from one blink of an eye to the next visual focusing, from one inhale to the next exhale, from one heartbeat to the next, it is perhaps unique to we humans that we find something to grieve in this type of change.  This type of parting, where the heart feels such wrenching loss that it is challenging to conceive living without the reassuring presence of that other even for a short march of moments, yes, we feel a tangible ending.  And there is a grieving that occurs.

There is also the thought that it is NOT an ending, nor a parting; not in truth.  Perhaps it is a necessary veil of sorts that must lower between the two; filmy and semi-transparent, allowing fleeting, blurred glimpses with the shifting of the air, reminding each with sure and delicate touches. Whispering a familiar note, "Do not forget this one in your deepest heart." That much, the heart and mind can allow and survive, and continue to function.  Softened by an insubstantial yet firm boundary, mayhap the experience can be borne.  Because each of us carry a fragment of one another that is indelibly etched into our respective hearts.

"You carry away with you a reflection of me..."

If Life is kind, and if hearts are open, a return is possible.  A revisiting, with wisdom gained from time apart.  Does that bravery exist now, today?  No.  Now, today, in the immediacy of impending farewell, all that can be hoped for is the potential for the barrage of pain to lessen over time.  This is a given truth, after all, that time does, indeed, heal all wounds. 

Another truth is that Love does not stop, nor does it end, simply because for whatever reasons two become parted, one from the other.

So, in this moment, this now that feels heavy and echoing with the absence of a connection which once filled each day with so much light, the only request is that which was spoken above.  Should we part, for the nonce, carry away with you a reflection of me.  Hold it deep within you, and harbor it gently and safely.  I will do the same.

And the dance continues....

Photo:  www.splittree.org

"You need to blog about this, Dawn."

A good amount of inspiration for my blog posts here at Healing Morning come from conversations with friends.  The conversation from this week was a delicate one, dealing with the way that we react within the parameters of a personal relationship.  My comment to my girlfriend was that the majority of my life, I've been fairly calm, even-natured, and on an even keel.  This applied to me in past relationships, which is why the current situation I'm in regularly throws me for a loop!  I find myself....I said this in my last blog post....greeting myself in ways that I would never have predicted.  And in the process of figuring this out, conversations take place, and friends encourage me to write about the topic.  So, here I am, discussing this greeting of myself.

What does that mean....greeting myself?  It means discovering reactions and behaviors that literally stun me, because they're so dramatically opposite to what I have come to know of myself.  Relationships are crafty things with how they hold up a very clear mirror to show us who we are at our core.  And certain relationships, the really good ones...the ones that push us to grow, those are the ones that hold up the biggest, clearest mirrors.  Those are the ones that uncover heretofore hidden sides of us that really needed to be revealed.

What have I learned about myself most recently?  Well, one thing that wasn't new is still there.  I have a stubborn side that kicks in strongly.  But that's not something that I'm learning from.  Instead, the surprising areas are the ones that are Ego driven....and that are seated in Fear.  I have watched myself in the last several months of being around this new person.  So much of the experiences are wonderful.  Fun, exciting, new, touching.  But along with all of that newness and excitement comes Fear.  We can't escape it.  It's part and parcel of allowing that new person to get close to us on that elemental level.  THAT part is not fun.  Not to me.  It means I have to allow myself, and even force myself to be vulnerable.

It also means I have to force myself to be strong.  I'm a Fixer.  I want the whole wide world to be happy and content.  And I will sacrifice my own well-being to make sure others are happy first.  That's not healthy, as I'm sure any of you reading this are thinking.  I agree with you.  It's a very big fault that I've been working on most of my life.  That's where forcing myself to be strong comes in.  That's where I have to stand up for myself and establish boundaries.  That's where I have to honor myself and insist on mutual respect.  Sounds easy, yes?  Well, it's seriously challenging on any given day for me!  Downright painful at times, I admit it. Boundaries and establishing them in a fair manner within a relationship is something I am still learning.

So, as I grow in response to this new person in my orbit, I am discovering some traits that have lain dormant for most of my life. And they are rarely attractive traits. My stubborn side usually brings them kicking to life and then things come out of my mouth that catch me off guard.  Did I really just say that?!  Have I always felt that way?!  Where the heck did that come from?!  I learned many years ago that when I react with instant anger or defensiveness, that's a spot that needs some digging into.  Because the reflexive anger and defensiveness are hiding a long covered wound.

I tend to be more inwardly focused than some.  From a very early age, I noticed negative cycles that existed within my family dynamic.  Those cycles caused a great deal of pain to everyone, and I was determined to find a way to break those cycles.  I began to research and investigate and study.  I found out why we repeat patterns of an emotional content.  I found out why we attract the same types of people over and over.  And I learned my own patterns.  You'd think this much research and educating of self would produce a woman who has it all together, yes?  Nope.  I'm as human as the rest of the world and I'm not ashamed to say I've spent many a year bumbling my way through relationships.  I also admit that I found a level of security and safety in studying the clinical aspect of emotions.  That gave me distance and I didn't have to engage on those levels as much.  But that sneaky organ, my heart, was always there and I wasn't immune to the trials and tribulations of love.

I won't bore you all with my personal relationship history.  My point here, today, is to focus on the fact that when we react violently....in fear, anger, defensiveness or any other negative emotion, that is hiding something crucial to our emotional growth.  We can ignore it and continue to stay rooted in those old patterns, but I've never been a proponent of hiding from the obvious once it jumps up and bites me on the nose.  Once something becomes clear to me on a personal level that oh, wow, THAT was an extreme reaction, Dawn, then it's time to do some hard work.  I start sifting through the layers until I reach what I feel is the core of that specific fear.  It's not pleasant sometimes, but the more I do it, the more I learn about myself, and the easier it is for me to process through the emotions and the realizations.  When I'm given a safe environment and an understanding person to bounce these realizations off of, I am able to jettison the behaviors that are fear laden and unnecessary.  It is surprisingly simple, once you take that deep breath and plunge inward.  It's sometimes messy, because those hidden, old wounds can be nasty to confront, but as with anything, the first step is the most scary.  With repetition, it becomes easier and more efficient.

I'm very fortunate with this new person in that there is a support, a lack of judgment, and a level of curiosity to listen when I work my way through the why's of my sometimes surprising reactions.  He might not always agree, or see things the way that I do, but he listens and respects the conclusions I come to.  Often, he offers insights that flip a new light bulb of clarity on over my fair head.  That's rare and I am quite aware that I'm lucky to meet this person.  Something that is somewhat humorous is when I think I've behaved in a very over the top, borderline unacceptable manner, I am regularly told that no, that moment hadn't really made that much of a blip on his radar.  Well, huh.  That's when I have to laugh at how overly seriously I tend to take myself!  It's new stuff to me, on an emotional level in relationship with this other person, so it feels large and overwhelming.  Sometimes it IS large, but a great deal of the time, it really isn't.  I'm learning that as well, that it's not all huge, scary and insurmountable.  Much of it is small and easily dispatched, but it does require effort and looking oneself in the eye with absolute honesty.

So, it's a journey, this process of growing in respect to allowing someone close.  Close to the heart.  Close enough to matter.  Close enough to hurt.  All of those have happened.  I expect more of the same will happen over time, as it's the ones who matter the most who can hurt us the most.  Perhaps not intentionally, but that's the power we place in that other person's hands when we open up our heart.  The key part to remember is that they're allowing us the same power in return.  I think we forget that important part; I know I do.  I have another girlfriend who constantly reminds me that I'm not the only one who has uncertainties, doubts and insecurities.  Men are chock full of the same whirling emotions as women; they just tend to store them away in a different manner than we do.

I'm learning that I've had some hidden traits that aren't pretty.  Some of them have truly surprised me.  I was rigid and inflexible in some areas that were downright unrealistic, but they hadn't ever been triggered before.  I had to live the experiences first, before I knew they existed in my psyche. Then I could address them and decide whether they served a good purpose.  Usually, they didn't.  Another thing that I've been fortunate in has been that this person is giving me not only what I call that Soft Place to Fall when things are sad, bad or scary, but this person is giving me an equal amount of respect and allowing me to express anger and frustration, doubts and other negative emotions.  That's a new experience for me.  Being allowed to express genuine, valid negative emotions freely has been a very new, slightly uncomfortable thing, but ultimately, it has been freeing.  I'm being given freedom to express anger!  I'm being given space to be irritated and irritable.  And I'm still accepted and appreciated at the end of the day.  Again....huh.  What a concept.  What an experience, this process of being in a truly adult exchange where respect is given and received.

Another big truth is that in the process of addressing these once dormant traits that pop up, I don't always express myself in the best way, the first time.  The first time of giving it voice, I almost always say it in a way, that to my ears, is too forward, too harsh or demanding.  I hate that!!  It happens because those wounds are created in our childhood, and when they get dredged back up, we tend to emote and give them voice from that same emotional age where they were inflicted.  I.e, we come across as though we're throwing a tantrum of sorts.  But I learn from it, and I consciously shift my emotional awareness into adult mentality. As I learn, I shear off the rough edges of this new discovery and I shape what remains into a mature strength and a Life Skill.  A new tool that does serve a good purpose.

In time, I hope that I'll find a way to give these new discoveries a softer presentation, but for now, they don't always come out that way.  In some ways, I'm like a newborn foal finding her feet, wobbling about and staggering before my knees lock and I stand straight.  And I'm learning that even when I do present this new knowledge with more volume than necessary, the sky doesn't fall.  I also learn more about myself and that other person as a result.  I've said it over and over - the way we choose to react to a given set of circumstances is how we define ourselves to the world.

The Persian poet-philosopher, Rumi, constantly captures my heart and imagination with his thoughts, written hundreds of years past.  This quote applies to today's post:

Don't look for me in a human shape,
I am inside your looking.

I'm finding that Universal Truth that this new person is mirroring the Me that I've worked so hard to become.  Things are far from perfect with this new experience, mind you.  There are challenges all over the place, and we're both doing that awkward dance that people do as they learn one another. Plus, what's life without a little drama?  I would rather live out loud in bright splashes of color than drudge along, cloaked in muffling shades of gray.

We're learning a new language, in effect.  The way we each express ourselves, the way we each react emotionally, our senses of humor, our intellect....all of that creates a language unique to us that the other has to learn.  And as we learn that other person in all their depth and glory, we get triggered in surprising emotional ways.  We react in ways that shock us and that other person.  If we're lucky, that other person finds our own depths and glory to be worth the stumbles, fumbles and outright flubs, and they stick around to see what will happen next.  They embrace us for who we are and they ask the same of us.  And the dance continues.....

Surveying the wreckage

Photo:  ansil.tumblr.com

In the last 2-3 months, I've had a decidedly eventful life.  At face value, that sounds exciting, doesn't it?  It hasn't been.  It's been interesting, yes, and I've certainly grown in ways I would never have predicted or imagined prior to these events, but none of it was exciting.  Epiphanies were the by product of these events.  The following is a comment I left on the blog post of my dear friend, Debra El Ramey (http://debrasblogpureandsimple.blogspot.com/2012/07/inch-by-inch.html):

"I found this interesting. It would be simple to say that I am writing my own manuscripts with hopes of being published, and that is true. What came to mind, however, is that I am releasing some layers of armor that no longer serve me. And the realization came from a very harsh, unexpected lesson - the death of a loved one polarized everything in my life and from that one breath to the next, I was forever changed. I recognized that something that had been valid, important and very passionately necessary to me one day simply became unimportant in one powerful blow. I am now surveying the wreckage of some vestiges of ego and processing and learning who I am now, afterwards.  And I do believe I have the genesis of my next blog post.
I never cease to marvel at how I greet myself anew when I visit here, Debra."
Debra's post:  http://debrasblogpureandsimple.blogspot.com/2012/07/inch-by-inch.html         *I encourage you to visit Debra's wonderful blog!*

Those who know me well might be surprised to learn that I'm stubborn.  I am.  I admit it freely.  I don't know if I'm more stubborn than most, or if I'm just more vocal about it when need be.  What I do question about my stubbornness is if I subsequently require a more dramatic set of lessons in order to be awakened to what should otherwise be obvious to my pea brain.  These recent epiphanies came on the heels of some very hard and harsh experiences.

In May of this year (2012), I went through a series of car calamities that grew progressively worse, with one event being a near miss where I could easily have died.  My back right tire exploded in rush hour traffic, literally lifting my car up in the air, then throwing my car directly into the oncoming lane where I should have been hit head on by a monster truck and three other cars.  Somehow, they all swerved and avoided me and I managed to wrestle my car back into the proper lane without hitting anyone or being hit.  There was a lesson in that experience - a big one, and I'm still processing it.  Mere weeks later, my car finally bit the dust.  This experience happened on the heels of a personal situation that, at the time, was driving me to near distraction.  The resulting epiphany was quite dramatic and gave me the opportunity to walk in that other person's (the other person in that relationship) shoes and know and feel immediately what that person had been attempting to communicate to me.  So, two similar lessons layered one atop the other and kicked me into a new state of awareness with a rather brutal boot.

Fast forward to July of this year (2012) and I lost a family member to suicide.  What has come to mind, in the days since, is that I am releasing some layers of armor that no longer serve me. This realization came from the very harsh, unexpected lesson of the death of that loved one.  It polarized everything in my life and from that one breath to the next, I was forever changed. I recognized that something that had been valid, important and very passionately necessary to me one day simply became unimportant in one powerful blow. I am now surveying the wreckage of some vestiges of ego and processing and learning who I am now, afterwards.  As you can see, this is the comment I wrote above, on Debra's blog post Comments section.

Those valid issues that held such importance to me are still valid, and I daresay I will revisit them in the future to assess their new level of importance.  But right now, today, I am changed.  I came to a swift, blinding rush of realization, courtesy of the finality that sudden death of a loved one brings.  I remember reflecting on the decision I had made the day before, a very permanent, final, tough decision.  It ended a relationship that was important to me, that decision.  At the time, I fully, firmly believed I was making the right choice for myself.  I still believe that. At that moment in time, it was the right decision to make.  But after I lost a loved one to suicide, I was made bluntly aware that the person I was when I made that dramatic decision no longer existed.

It's fair to say we change with each tick of the clock. It's a minute splitting of hairs, if we want to go down that spiral of thought.  It does apply here, that splitting of hairs. I received a fateful phone call that someone I loved took their own life, and the world changed for me in that jagged flash of words.  As I went through the grief process, I reflected on the fact that nothing I could do...no decision I could make would make a difference with that equation. Nothing could bring my loved one back.  All I had power over was myself and the decisions and choices I make.  And I was made dramatically aware that that hard line choice I had made the day before, the one that had felt so strongly right and valid, was no longer a truth for me.

So, rather than inch by inch of progress, as Debra's blog speaks of, I began to peel layer by layer away of my old self.  I stood and surveyed the wreckage of where my Ego firmly planted itself, hand in hand with Pride and Fear, and made a defiant stand.  Those noble flags of Self no longer flew with bright colors on the landscape of my soul.  Instead, they rested quietly on veritable flag poles, waiting to be lowered, folded and tucked away, as they were simply no longer necessary.

In the process of finding my feet, finding my balance in this new existence, I've mentioned to a couple of people that in the last 6 - 8 months, I've been greeting myself in ways that I would never have predicted.  Relationships do that....they provide a very clear mirror for us to see who we are, to see our behaviors and if we're smart, they provide clarity for us to make necessary changes.  I've been experiencing that very thing and I'm not ashamed to admit that I didn't always like what that mirror showed me.  Living in Ego is something we all do and it's a very human behavior.  It....living in Ego, can be defined, also, as living in Fear.  That is a behavior that I work on constantly to mitigate in myself, with an eye towards cutting repetitive, negative cycles that serve no other purpose but to hold me back.

A little more than a month later, I am still adapting to this new Self.  I am also continuing to greet myself within the auspices of this relationship that shapes me on a constant basis.  I like the changes that are taking place; I like the level of communication that is being fostered on both sides.

There is value in being broken down; I think most of us recognize this fact. Remaining in a rigid mindset might feel comfortable and familiar, but the freedom that breaking free of those inflexible walls offers is a joyful thing to experience.  I'm breathing differently....more deeply....more confidently.  I am looking at myself and others with new eyes.

And I'm climbing a new hill, because that's what we do as we move forward in Life.  We traverse those endless hills and valleys.  From the viewpoint of the upward slope of this current hill, I look over my shoulder....just once....to survey the recent wreckage.  Then I turn and keep walking forward, and upward.  What is ahead of me is wide open road.

A different kind of letter

Photo courtesy of
Bing images

If you could write a letter to Love, what would it say?  That's a powerful concept, yes?  For some reason, the past week has introduced a lot of conversation about relationships.  I've talked with friends and family members about various aspects of their current and past relationships.  We've explored and discussed in great detail what went right, what went wrong, where pitfalls lie, how to avoid same.  We've discussed fairytale wishes and the harsh reality that daily Life inflicts on every relationship we're involved in.

Loving and being loved are both simple acts, when you boil them down to their core elements.  STAYING in love is the true challenge, as most of us who have been in any relationship longer than a calendar year can attest to. 

We all want love.  And we all deserve love...both giving and receiving.  I've talked in past blog articles about the manner that we each express love (Allow Love, Healing Morning 10/22/2009 and How Do You Love? Healing Morning 10/23/2009).  We each have a unique fingerprint for the way that we express our deepest emotions.  Some of us are more quiet in our approach, and others are exhuberant and flamboyant. Many fall somewhere in between those two extremes.  The beauty of love is that there is no right or wrong manner of expression, as long as the people around us are aware of our true feelings and devotion.

Most people who follow my blog, or who are connected with me via various social media services know that I am an avid fan of the 13th century Persian philosopher, Rumi.  One of my absolute favorite quotes of this amazing man is as follows:

The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere,
they're in each other all along.

Another favorite Rumi quote:

Because of love

I have become
the giver of light.

This man's thoughts always transport me and lift me up to a higher level of appreciation.  It never fails to rivet my imagination that Rumi lived so many centuries ago, yet much of his thoughts apply to this modern age.  We all know that love is eternal.  For those who believe in an existence beyond this physical plane, the concept of love gains a completely different meaning and dimension.  Loss and sadness become bearable because of this, as the belief of reunion at some point is embraced. 

Nothing I say here is unique, or new.  Philosophers and great minds, artists, poets and musicians have plumbed the depths of Love, finding endless forms of expression.  Personally, I have a continual inner dialogue with Love.  Some would call it God/Universe...that Divine Higher Power.  Some would call these conversations prayer.  For me, the conversation is ongoing and multi-layered.  I don't believe that a single letter to Love would suffice, if I were to sit down and focus on a simple communication.  That's why I tend to engage in mindful interaction on a daily basis with God/Universe.  I see the answers everywhere around me.  In nature, in the faces and smiles of those I love, in random unexpected moments of laughter, in hardship and in those exquisitely peaceful moments of quiet. 

In the most trying and challenging of times, Love has never left my life path.  I feel it as a sure, steady thread of energy.  If I could describe my mental images, I would paint a tapestry of delicate, yet sturdy woven fabric...invisible to our human eyes, but palpable.  Love is felt with all our senses, after all.  Through touch, through sight, through sounds and fragrances that build hallmark memories.  It wraps around us like an energetic blanket, so I guess that's why I envision an ethereal fabric that is incapable of being truly destroyed.  In my mind's eye, the fabric of Love is an enduring, one-size-fits-all piece of cloth. 

As far as the original question that I posed, I think of that often. What would my letter to Love say?  I have written a few of those over the years and most likely will write more.  It's what I do, after all....writing and questioning and musing on those indefinable concepts.  I have always thought that the conversation, if I could have it face to face with Love, would begin with a smile and a warm, welcoming, heartfelt embrace.  And soon thereafter, I would engage in a conversation spanning all of known time.  Can you imagine the stories that Love could tell us?  The beauty is almost beyond comprehension, showering down upon countless individuals throughout history, as the human spirit bursts with the need and desire to express love. 

Ancient wisdom teaches us that that which we identify as God, or the Divine, sought to create a world where this energy of Love could be physically expressed....and our beautiful planet was the result.  So, perhaps one of my letters to Love would begin with a simple Thank You, and a nod of appreciation for sticking with us here on Earth, giving us endless opportunities to give Love a voice, hands to touch, arms to embrace and hearts to overflow.

Mocking bird salute

I've lived in a two story townhouse home for the past seven years and for the last five of those years, I have had a yearly visitor in the form of a Mocking Bird. For those of you who aren't familiar with this bird, here is what Wikipedia tells us:

Mockingbirds are a group of New World passerine birds from the Mimidae family. They are best known for the habit of some species mimicking the songs of other birds and the sounds of insects and amphibians, often loudly and in rapid succession. Wikipedia

Tennessee Mocking Bird
Mimus polyglottos
http://www.flickr.com/

It is an ironic sidenote that the mocking bird is the Tennessee State Bird genus Mimus polyglottos, which my home state adopted and made official on April 19, 1933. Why am I writing about mocking birds? Because these hardy little birds, if you have read the above Wiki information, are very LOUD and PERSISTENT in their yearly nesting and mating habits. These habits include finding the highest point available for them to perch and warble their little hearts out, pitching woo...loudly and persistently....to the night. And to hapless townhouse inhabitants attempting to grab a few precious hours of sleep.

I'm happy to share with you that not only do mocking birds imitate the songs of other birds, insects and amphibians, they imitate cats and dogs, machinery and musical instruments, and the occasional slamming door or rusty hinge. They trill through their repertoire with great and lusty enthusiasm, rarely pausing as they skillfully switch from bird song to cat meow to truck engine revving continuously. At times, it can be amusing listening to the sheer volume of calls they can produce. My bedroom happens to be the tallest peak of this row of townhouse units, so this is why I am the lucky recipient of the nightly serenade and mocking bird orchestra.

Again, you're probably wondering why I'm writing about this topic. For months now, I have been turning over in my mind the fact that humans and wildlife aren't that greatly different. I've written before about social masks that we all employ to get through our daily existence. In a similar manner to the mocking bird, we also adapt our speaking voice in tone, inflection, volume and emotion to communicate our thoughts and emotions to those around us. We wear different clothing, hairstyles and cosmetics to project various public images, to denote our current mood and again, to use as social camouflage and quite often, as a courtship tool.

http://www.musicalexpress.net/

The thing that always strikes me is how cheerful mocking birds are, every single night, in their pursuit of procreation. I am sure that to the mocking bird, this is not a cause for amusement. Indeed, their nightly concert is a life and death effort to continue their species. My human ears cannot help, however, finding charm in the widely varied trills, chirps, barks, cricket sounds (those are the exception to the finding charm part as they really drive me nuts) and engine noises. These small birds are quite aggressive in their display of auditory talents, finding no shame at all in adopting sounds from another species or object to further their goals. In some ways, I would liken it to a painter painting, using colors to express different emotions and messages, or a conductor standing in front of an orchestra with arms raised, wand at the ready to coax a stellar performance from all the musicians. Mocking birds simply do the same with their calls.

http://www.paintinghere.com/

Of course, when it is 3:30 am and I am still hearing incessant bird calls, cat screeches and hissing as well as various motorized noises in rapid succession, it isn't quite as charming or amusing anymore. There are many nights when I lie awake listening to the endless, noisy litany that I am suspicious my particular mocking bird is perched by my window with a calculating, crafty, borderline maniacal gleam in his beady little eyes, fully aware he is costing me a decent night of sleep.  I also wonder about the female counterpart to my serenading friend; is she sitting out there in the night, listening, brought to a feminine birdie swoon, thinking, "Oh my!  Now that is one sexy, masculine, attractive boat motor sound!  That must be the father of my future children!  I must fly to him now!"?  Even then, when these thoughts are chasing blearily through my tired mind, I do admit to a certain level of admiration for this little bird's plucky spirit.

We as human beings could take a leaf from their book as we navigate our own daily lives. Shine our emotions brightly and enthusiastically, be unafraid to show every facet and skill we possess in a lyrical manner, perhaps borrow someone else's form of expression momentarily, communicate with others with absolute enthusiasm...and most of all, find a high spot to proclaim our love widely and loudly to the masses. Wouldn't that be an interesting, entertaining courtship process?

There is no great or deep message here this time around. More a tangle of sleep deprived thoughts that have been assailing me for several months now during the nightly mocking bird salute. As annoying as my current feathered visitor can be each night, I still wind up missing the sounds as fall weather sets in. I feel a sort of kinship evolve in the months each mocking bird sets up housekeeping outside my bedroom window. From it has sprung a blog post that I'm not sure will capture readers' attention in quite the same way as other posts, but perhaps many of you will remember similar memories of your own with a mocking bird salute. And perhaps you will smile at the memories.

Watermark risen

Given the fact that I am a writer, some people may be surprised to learn that I am a very private person.  After all, here I sit on a regular basis, tapping out my innermost feelings to be published on a blog that is readily available to anyone in the world...a mere click of the mouse away.  Writing those innermost feelings for the eyes of so many 'out there' is a curious interplay.  Yet, I am very self-contained when it comes to revealing details of my private life.  There are lines that I feel are necessary to be drawn for all of us, with each person having their own personal watermark that is to remain sacrosanct.

For the most part, in social media forums such as Facebook, Twitter and this blog, you will rarely hear me reveal truly personal details about my life.  I am happy to share stories from my childhood, and also to open up about topics and experiences that touch me deeply.  I feel this is my way of fulfilling one of my life's gifts, which is that of healing.  Again, for the most part, you will see me post very positive, uplifting blog articles, Facebook and Twitter posts.  While we all have difficult days and negative experiences, I strive to see the positive in every moment and every person.

Today I had a personal Waterloo moment.  It was a situation that I have alluded to in recent blogs, (Tend your bucket!) about an individual that I labeled an emotional vampire.  This was my way of exercising the frustrations I had about this person.  My nature is to forgive, so much so that it can become a detriment.  I forgive, I understand, I sympathize, I lift up, I encourage....and in the midst of all that kindness, I overlook the fact that I am allowing another person to literally bleed me empty. 

Please know that I am not suggesting that forgiveness is wrong or foolhardy.  I will never truly change in this regard; I am a loving, caring, nurturing Soul and this is intrinsic to my nature to see the good and positive in others.  However, there does come a day where it is graphically demonstrated that the kindness doled out has been gleefully, and most likely, selfishly consumed while the recipient of your care is laughing at your foolishness.

My watermark has risen.  I weathered a very unpleasant experience today as the result of trusting someone who did not deserve that grace.  I admit to struggling with the resulting fallout.  I was angry, disappointed, disillusioned to a degree...with all of these emotions self-directed.  Why did I aim all of those emotions at myself?  Because I knew better. 

Stepping completely outside of my regular comfort zone, this is what I wrote on my Facebook page:

You know that inner voice that tells you a situation is shady, as well as the people involved, yet you try your best to see the good in all involved? Trust the inner voice FIRST, and avoid the inevitable drama and disappointment in the whole dynamic. People do show you their true colors, and sometimes those colors are weak & lacking in depth and substance. #Lesson Learned

My lesson here is to forgive myself first, this other person next, and move forward with no intention of allowing this person back into my life.  I can count on one hand the number of times I have come to this point in my life.  It is a sad moment to truly cut ties with someone that you genuinely cared about.  It is a death of expectations, possibilities and hopes, if you at one point had intentions for a strong friendship to grow and endure. 

I had no idea how people would react to the Facebook statement above.  It was out of character for me to the extent that I spoke of a negative personal situation.  Hours after posting it, I came back and was surprised to see the response to the post.  Thus far, there has not been a single negative comment.  To the contrary, every comment was positive, uplifting and supportive - all true examples of people that I am blessed to call friends.  This tells me that I was right to follow my instincts with the Facebook post.  It also reminds me that this very instinct is sharp and clear; I need but to pay attention to that still quiet voice in the future to avoid similar negative experiences.

I cannot fault myself for wanting to see the good in others.  This is actually a trait that I am happy to own.  I will continue to do this, live my life this way, and continue to give more second chances than most people probably merit.  I say this with a smile, now, hours later in the day when my own heart has lightened from the wonderful support of true friends.  I can't change my own true colors, but I can recognize when those around me are displaying conduct and behavior that is a screaming, neon, flashing warning sign.  True colors are displayed in abundance if we're willing to recognize them for what they are.

My personal watermark has risen.  I have higher, more stringent standards for allowing people into my life.  While this may sound judgmental and strident, it really isn't.  It is me making a choice to honor myself first.  This can be a difficult lesson to learn and embrace, and I daresay I will struggle with it in the future.  Today has made a permanent impact and this time I am making changes that are equally permanent.  Forgiveness is a conscious choice....for myself as much as for those with whom I have negative interactions. 

The beauty of this experience today is that I have shed the weight of a fully grown person who was dragging me down on a regular basis.  I have shed the negative emotions of someone who is motivated by selfishness.  I have shed the need to feel responsible for a great number of unnecessary ties.  The conscious choice to forgive and move forward, while also excising someone requires a lot of contemplation. It is not a choice made easily or with haste.  It is, in this instance, necessary and I am at peace with it.

As we all know, when one door closes, God/Universe opens another.  When one person exits, that space is left open for a new, beautiful energy to come in.  The repercussions of today's events have some ripples.  I will be dealing with those ripples for a while, but the wonderful thing to recognize and remember is that this door is wide open.  This means that my life and my expectations have no boundaries. 

There's another old piece of wisdom that tells us,

           Water seeks its own level.

Another way of expressing this concept is that there comes a time when vibrations no longer match up.  In essence, regardless of the dramatic tone or lack thereof, people will vibrate themselves out of your reality.  Sometimes we're the ones left behind.  In this situation, I am the one doing the walking away.  This is not done with a light heart, as I never enjoy breaking ties with someone who once mattered a great deal to me.  It is done, however, with a sure heart, and perhaps that is the stronger part of this particular lesson.  Of a necessity, I have looked at my own culpability with this situation.  I knew better.  I knew better months ago, yet I continued to offer those second chances.  I wanted to believe that the spark of beauty that I know resides in each living, breathing being was burning strongly enough in that person to eventually negate the unpleasant traits that I didn't want to look at. 

While I cannot speak for this person's interactions with anyone else, what I know now is that the interaction with me has been predominantly self-serving.  Even as I write this, it pains me.  I could revert to habit, forgive and give another chance to this person, but this time, I am walking away.  Forgiveness isn't a question here; I will get to that point within a few days.  It isn't in my heart to harbor grudges and simmer in resentment and ill feelings.  That will do nothing but bring harm to me in the long run, while this other person will blithely go on about their life, not sparing a thought to the repercussions of their actions.  I need to implement an equally purposeful action in my life with this decision and move forward with the assurance that I am better for this experience and better for making this choice.

It is curious that I've used water analogies throughout this blog.  Water seems appropriate to apply, as it can exhibit physical manifestations of emotions - we call them "stormy seas", or placid, calm, quiet, tempestuous, soothing, peaceful, angry.  All descriptive words that can be applied to relationships and behavior patterns.  I rode some stormy seas with this whole situation, and today I can admit that much of this could have been avoided had I heeded my intuition months ago and cut ties.  I didn't do that, choosing instead to give more chances.  That bit me in the end. 

Today, with several hours of distance from the actual unpleasant event, I am sitting on the proverbial dock, gazing out at calm waters.  The water level is higher than it used to be, but the view is lovely.  Peaceful.  Calm.  Full of possibilities and brighter for coming to a determined, thoughtful choice.  I am appreciative for recognizing that this whole situation was truly a blessing in disguise.  Occasionally, there come these moments where it is necessary to adjust our own personal watermark.  I would go so far as to suggest it is one of the most healthy, loving gifts any of us can give ourselves.

It changed everything

The title of this blog post above is taken from a great newsletter email that I receive regularly.  A girlfriend told me about this website that sends affirmations that are tailored to your personal wishes and dreams.  The website is called Tut's Adventure Club.  You register with them, fill out a brief form and then you begin receiving these wonderful, positive, happy emails from The Universe.  I encourage anyone reading this post to check the website out at the link provided above. 

Now, to get back to my point.  Today's email from The Universe was as follows:

"Thanks, Dawn, for every single time you ever fell in love.  Whether or not it was obvious. Whether or not it lasted. And whether or not you were loved back.  It changed everything." Notes from The Universe

That was such an electrifying comment to me!  How beautifully simple and concise a thought to ponder.  We as humans are more apt to focus on the attendant baggage of love, aren't we?  "I loved him, but..."  or "It was almost perfect, except for..."  or "If only..."  or "What if..." Do any of these sound familiar? Who hasn't had at least one, if not all of those thoughts? It's so much easier to get distracted with all the detritus of a romantic relationship, and indeed, many of those details are very important and deserving of our focus. There is so much more, however, to remember from past relationships, with much of it being positive. 

This note from The Universe in my Inbox just stopped me in my tracks.  I call those "polarizing moments", where a thought, a book, a remark - something grabs your attention with such impact that you are literally forced to stop and ponder.  Personally, I love those moments.  They cause me to consider different angles and perspectives that I might not have reached as quickly if left to my own slower approach. I might end up not agreeing with the polarizing moment, I might not adopt that new perspective, but I always come away from those moments changed.  I always learn something new about myself.

How refreshing a perspective from which to view love.  If we're alive, we're going to meet people, fall in love, fall out of love, be blissfully happy, plumb the depths of despair and feel every minute facet, shade and nuance of love.  Love found, love lost.  The loves lost are usually ones that spark feelings of regret, anger...a whole boatload of negative emotions.  How freeing, may I say, is it to draw an imaginary mark on our personal journey or calendar and say that perhaps this is the moment that I learned to think about past loves in a completely different light?  I kind of like that idea.

We are all the sum total of our experiences - the good, the bad and the ugly.  Change an experience and you change who you are today.  Obviously, we can't turn back time and cherry pick the moments.  I think most of us can admit that the difficult times, difficult relationships and memories taught us valuable life skills.  "I'll never do THAT again!"  Right?!  I've had plenty of those epiphanic experiences, haven't you?  And I'm a more balanced, more richly evolved person as a result. 

Today, as a result of that lovely email from The Universe, I am reaping one of those unexpected lessons that I always find such a delight.  I've shifted my habitual tendency to view past loves with predominantly wistful perspective.  Mind you, I don't dwell in sadness or negative thoughts in regard to every single romantic relationship I've had - many of them make me smile when I look back. 

I just happened to feel very struck by the quote above - having loved anyone, anything, anytime, is never wasted or misplaced energy.  I have always firmly believed that to be written in stone fact.  I do not regret loving anyone.  I have, however, regretted some of the outcomes.  The above quote magically lifted that need from my heart - it is simply unnecessary.  Instead, I choose to focus, from this point forward, on the fact that by the simple, open hearted act of loving, this can be nothing but positive, uplifting and lasting.  Perhaps we might not see the repercussions and outward ripples of our moments of love, but they happen.  Perhaps we cannot reach into someone else's heart and change their perspective to just simply appreciate the fact that love was given and received.  Indeed, we can change nothing but our own perspective. I would suggest that by shifting how we feel about those past loves doesn't mean the bad stuff ceases to have happened - it just means that we can release some of the burden we've carried in relation to those past loves.

I am not, by any means, intimating that if you have lost a loved one to death, that you should not grieve that loss.  That is a process all its own and deserves your time and attention to reach a balanced point of acceptance.  I will say that I see, quite often, people who have become stuck in the grieving process to the point that that is who they become - "My name is...and I lost this person to death."  They cannot move beyond the grief to recognize that they are no longer the vibrant, wonderful person their loved one would wish them to be today.  So, I say this gently to everyone reading this post - if you have lost in love, whether it is because one person needed to move on apart from you, or whether it was from losing a loved one to death - think of shifting your perspective.

I'm sharing the quote above with you in the hopes that it gives you one of those moments to ponder that I experienced myself. It is up to you how you receive the statement and how you feel, think and react to it. One immutable point is this: if you have loved, you are/were existing in the most positive energy it is possible to feel on this planet. We cannot see love, except perhaps in the happy faces of the ones upon which we bestow this gift. Love isn't concrete or tangible to touch, unless maybe we're talking about loving touches, embraces, etc.

Rather than eternally grieving the loss of any love, endlessly looking back with regret, for anyone or anything, contemplate celebrating that love existed. Let me repeat that I am not writing this to tell anyone how to think or feel about love.  I was changed by the email message in my Inbox and wanted to share it with you. Celebrate that love has happened numerous times in your life and recognize it in a positive manner.  Be joyful! Love is an energetic presence.  It has a physical, lasting energy that never dies.

And that does change everything.

Subverting ego

I want to talk about something that will strikes nerves in all of us. Subverting ego. Another word for it is compromise. For many of you, reading the word compromise probably elicits an instantaneous, visceral response. An inner shudder, dread, irritation, frustration, a dogged, militant digging in of stubborn heels, an instant need to avoid and avert, or an outright instinct to flee from the whole situation at hand. We are taught (it is to be hoped) from childhood to play fairly, to share, be kind, tolerant and understanding, to have respect, ethics, morals and firm convictions. From that early age, those lessons are either absorbed and embraced or they are tossed aside in the rush to succeed, gather wealth and worldly recognition. In this sometimes aggressive rushing forward process, we forget who we are.


Usually, by the time we reach our mid- to late 20's, we recognize as adults that all of life is about some form of compromise. Every relationship that exists on this planet involves this concept; relationships with business and professional colleagues, with friends, with family members, with romantic partnerships, with nature, with artistic muse, with education, with health....the list is endless and all of these require learning to compromise.


The intrinsic, guttural response for many is initially to fight and win at all costs when presented with a difficult situation. Many do barrel in and greet life with this approach, heedless of the chaos, pain and destruction left strewn behind them. There seems to be an innate fear that by choosing to compromise, this indicates weakness.

I posit to you that a willingness to compromise is perhaps the better example of strength. 

It is true that alone, we can accomplish a great deal. It is a stronger truth that by joining with others, we can accomplish so much more. The kicker here is that by joining forces with others...in business, in marriage, in friendship....we have to learn the art of compromise.

• "But my way is best."  
• "I am always right." 
• "I don't need any help." 
•  "I want what I want now!"  

Do any of these sound familiar to you? We are all guilty of those moments. It is just human nature. At times, all of those statements are valid ones. Well, maybe not the "always right" one, because that's a physical and energetic impossibility in this world for any one person to "always" achieve.

The art of compromise requires each of us to do the oftentimes incredibly difficult inner work of subverting our ego. This can be a painful process, admittedly. Few of us embrace change on such a personal level with great enthusiasm, because it means looking at ourselves with clear eyes and ruthless honesty, admitting to flaws, failings and things that aren't necessarily very attractive about our behavior patterns. The good news is, none of us are perfect and we all have those less than pretty inner workings. Our job as individuals, I believe, is to operate on a conscious level each day, and recognize those moments that are presented to us to change, evolve and become better versions of ourselves. Compromise is almost an inevitable step in this process.


I am not one who marches through life with an aggressive tilt to my chin. My approach is calmer, more peaceful and thoughtful. Does this approach always serve me well? For the most part, yes. I can admit, however, that there are definitely times where a more aggressive approach is necessary and this is a lesson that I have learned, processed and absorbed over the years.

It is important to note that a calm, kind spirit does not indicate any degree of passivity or lack of strength. 

When the situation calls for it, I can present a harder demeanor and accomplish what I set out to do. The delicate balancing act is to do this with personal integrity and kindness, and that is the tricky part we all wrestle with on a daily basis. In order for me to learn this particular lesson and gain this valuable life tool, I had to compromise and be willing to change in an elemental manner. For many, the converse is true; that aggressive approach is second nature, and for them, the compromise and painful learning process is to embrace a softer, kinder application of energy.


The beauty of this whole concept is that through compromise, through subverting ego, we learn that by joining together with others for various purposes, we become more than would be managed alone. Compromise produces complement. My love of words rears its head and I feel the need to list the definition of these two words:


Compromise
Main Entry: 1 com·pro·mise
Pronunciation: \ˈkäm-prə-ˌmīz\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, mutual promise to abide by an arbiter's decision, from Anglo-French compromisse, from Latin compromissum, from neuter of compromissus, past participle of compromittere to promise mutually, from com- + promittere to promise
Date: 15th century
1 a : settlement of differences by arbitration or by consent reached by mutual concessions b : something intermediate between or blending qualities of two different things


Complement
Main Entry: 1 com·ple·ment
Pronunciation: \ˈkäm-plə-mənt\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Latin complementum, from complēre to fill up, complete, from com- + plēre to fill — more at full
Date: 14th century
1 a : something that fills up, completes, or makes perfect b : the quantity, number, or assortment required to make a thing complete


So, to paraphrase..."blending qualities of two different things..." "...required to make a thing complete." I find absolute beauty in the marriage of these two thoughts. For those of us who have fallen in love, the merging of these two concepts make perfect sense, for we become a much brighter, more shining, aspiring version of ourselves through loving another.

The jarring, perhaps amusing fact to point out is that just beyond the first rosy glow of love comes the prosaic, mundane rolling forth of life that requires....once again, compromise. 

Subverting of personal ego then becomes necessary; subverting our own immediate wants, wishes and needs, subverting ego in order to create a happy and workable balance with that other person.

Yes, we can be happy alone. Yes, we can achieve success in business by ourselves, to a degree. The simple, inescapable truth remains that this planet is full of people and operates on the concept of personal interaction with others. Therefore, compromise and subverting of ego is an inevitable part of life. Friendship, companionship and family cannot exist in an isolated state for any of us; this is simply not possible. I find on a personal level that when someone close to me challenges me, or pushes me to adapt and change, ultimately the changes and refining of myself that occur enrich my life. I find more satisfaction in the particular area that was highlighted, and also find the relationships involved in producing those changes become stronger and more resilient.

A better, brighter, stronger version of who You are capable of becoming; this is the end product of subverting ego and considering the other side with a genuine desire and enthusiasm. It cannot be stressed enough - compromise produces complement.

"Get to know Me again"

The above statement was taken from an email from a friend I'm getting to know all over again. I've commented a couple of times recently about the dynamic that Facebook has for reuniting people. I have only been active with my own Facebook page since the middle of this summer of 2009 and have been astonished at all the reunions that have been occurring in my life. I'm reconnecting with friends from childhood, grade school through high school, and from multiple past companies I've worked for over the years. The process is particularly fascinating when the connections are with childhood friends.

With some of these people, I go as far back as kindgergarten years. That's a long time, my friends! Here's another interesting thing - some of the people from school years I'm reconnecting with via Facebook are people that I wasn't that close to way back then, but now am growing strong new friendships with. Others were good, solid connections that just got cut off when high school years ended and people went their separate ways. Revisiting, re-establishing and re-learning these relationships is a joyful thing for me.

We're all familiar with the fact that high school tends to be fraught with tensions, uncertainties, competition, insecurities and lack of communication. I don't know that we're ever really perceived in what we could consider a true light during those years, as everyone is busy with gossiping, judging and trying to keep their own heads above the social whirlpool that high school creates. Most of us get branded with a specific title, or label, very early in grade school and that, right or wrong, tends to be the perception that sticks throughout the whole school experience.

The friend that made the statement above was someone I knew throughout high school, was friendly with, socialized with, but all on a fairly surface level. Now, over 25 years later, we're talking on an adult level without the distractions of teenage angst. This is allowing us both to get to know the true people we each are and so far, it's been a lot of fun.

This getting to know one another all these years later provides a strong mirror for each person. As adults, we're able to be much stronger in our identities, secure with ourselves and as a result, secure in learning who that other person has become. It is fascinating to reconnect with childhood acquaintances and learn who they have become as adults. The things that you learn about yourself as a result of these reconnections are equally fascinating. Cue the statement above, in its entirety:

"You cheer me up, Dawn, open my eyes and allow me to almost get to know Me again."

First of all, what a lovely compliment to receive. I can't think of a greater gift to give someone than to let them know they're making a difference in someone else's life, and that comment gave me that gift. I've said it countless times before - we rarely realize that we DO make an impact on others, unless they let us know. The second, and most important fact about all of this, is the simple pleasure that these old-yet-new-again friendships give us. Regardless of the depth of interactions that may have occurred during childhood growth years, we have history with those people that forges a very strong bond. If we're very lucky, and we choose to seize opportunity when it is presented to us, we are given the chance to develop that bond into a new friendship.

I'm experiencing this with several people from those childhood years. I'm also experiencing it with several people from those various past work incarnations. They all bring new layers, complexities and color to our lives, conjuring up memories of shared laughter, absurd moments and emotions revisited, while at the same time bringing the newest, current version of ourselves together with these people.

If we're alive, we're growing. That's a basic truth. Life throws endless curves, twists and surprises at us along the road. We reconnect with people at various moments, and as a result, we reconnect with ourselves, remember who we were, recognize who we are now and see the potential and the surprising strengths that we have in the mirror of these other people's eyes. That's a beautiful experience to recognize.

So, after fall cleaning, what now???

This is a follow up to my most recent post about fall cleaning and pruning of relationships that have reached an ending. To be honest, when I sat down to write that blog, I wasn't sure if I would wind up posting it. I wondered if it might be too confrontational and hit too closely on emotionally raw nerves for a lot of people. I walked away from the post a couple of times, but it kept pulling me back in, until finally, I finished writing it and posted it. To my surprise, I have had several responses already, from friends and new acquaintances, thanking me for giving voice to an admittedly difficult topic. Clearly, I did hit on a common nerve there, as this pruning of unproductive ties is fraught with emotions, fears, regrets and self-blame.

So, I sat and thought for a while, about my own experiences with this topic. It has only been perhaps the last 10 years of my life that I have come to a sense of peace about the cycles of friendship. I freely admit that for the first half of my life, I fought letting go of any and every relationship tooth and nail. I cried, I panicked, I overreacted, I wound myself into multiple tangled knots of emotional angst. Did any of this help or bring the relationship back into a current pattern in my life? Of course not. Did all of that wailing and gnashing of teeth serve any purpose at all, other than to make myself miserable? Probably not.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying we should ignore the grieving process that we all are faced with when a friendship comes to an end. This is a process that deserves your time and focus. Grieving is necessary to cleanse our souls, help our hearts heal as much as possible, and to process through myriad emotions. That being said, looking back, I can regard my past reactions with a large dose of amusment. If I could go back in time and speak to myself at those specific moments of experiencing loss, I would say to the person I was then, quite sincerely, that everything would be okay. The pain does come to an end, and as with all endings, eventually a point is achieved where happy memories rise to the surface more readily than the sad moments of loss.

So, how did I reach my current state of awareness with the whole process of accepting endings with much more equanimity and inward peace? It wasn't easy, that would be the first thing to admit. At some point, I ran across a comment that pointed out two choices - one was that I could choose to be resentful, angry, hurt and exist in a constant state of grieving for a relationship lost, i.e., I could, quite literally choose to exist in the past. The other choice was that I could choose to celebrate the time spent enjoying that person and the interaction of the friendship, tuck it away in a corner of my heart, and move forward and live my life. That rang a very loud bell for me, realizing that the choice was completely in my hands, and therefore, the emotional reaction was my responsibility also.

Yes, grief will be there when you end a relationship, as well it should. If you choose to celebrate the time you have with that person, or that job, or that group, and be thankful for the endless ways in which you grew as a result of the contact, it really does make the ending easier to accept. I would go so far as to say that embracing endings in an open, joyful manner can build a future reconnecting moment, when the timing is right for both of you.

Yes, you will wrestle with moments of guilt, you will question your decision - is this the right thing or wrong thing to do - you may even change your mind a couple of times before making permanent changes. All of these choices are completely okay. You are the only person who can know what feels right in any given situation. And believe me, you will recognize immediately when you have made that right choice - you will most likely feel a sense of relief and peacefulness inside as a result. I know that that is usually my reaction, although getting there can admittedly be a challenge at times.

I guess the most important thing to relate is to be kind to yourself. Have you ever given that some dedicated thought? We beat the absolute crud out of ourselves emotionally in ways that would appall us if we saw the same treatment being visited on a loved one. Navigating your way through life is tough. That is a plain and simple truth. Life itself is an endless series of beginnings and endings. Beginnings are usually fairly easy, fun and interesting. Endings, obviously, are a completely different scenario.

Treat yourself and your emotional health with the same amount of respect that you give to strangers, or colleagues. How's that for a concept?? Why not try being that much of a friend to yourself as well? I realize that that sounds so simplistic as to be annoying, but it is equally simple in truth.

If you are allowing yourself to remain in a relationship that has become toxic, that drags you down, that pulls your attention constantly into useless emotional negativity, you owe it to yourself and your own life path to put that relationship to an end. You cannot grow or progress on your own personal journey when you are indulging a relationship that hinders your growth. I would also go so far as to suggest it hinders the other person's growth as well. Another important bit of wisdom that I remember my Grandmother Reagan imparting to me at a very young age was that it isn't so much the situation itself that is so important - that moment is merely a catalyst. It is how you react to a given moment that defines you and your character.

So, long story short, in regard to the "What now?" question, I think the best advice is, quite simply, to live your life. Accept your frailties, your faults and your own part in the culmination of a relationship, congratulate yourself for undertaking one of life's more difficult challenges and seeing it through, and then live your life. Be happy. Celebrate the new beginnings that are approaching, because this much is certain....they are on their way to you daily. Believe in yourself and the choices you make. All will be well as a result.