Morning Meditation - Seek Peace

 Morning meditation™️. A simple question. The answer will vary with each moment. Seek those answers with a conscious, eager mind. 🕊

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Space Between

photo:  www.berlinembroidery.com

I've been silent here for several months.  I began blogging in 2009 and am approaching my five year anniversary in a couple of months.  In the last eighteen months or so, my writing here has slowed significantly.  I was never into the posting 3-5 times a week concept with my blog, but it was rare for me to go several weeks without writing something.  Now it has become the norm for me to go several months between posting here.  I haven't stressed overly about that, as I accept that everything has an ebb and flow to it.

I don't foresee ever completely abandoning this space, or the Healing Morning concept.  I expect that it will morph and grow with me throughout my life.  For the nonce, I am in a quiet phase with Healing Morning.  It isn't that I have nothing to say here.  Some of my thoughts find their way into a manuscript that I am focused upon with the intent of being published.  Other thoughts are valid and worthwhile to be published here, but my heart is simply not into doing it on a frequent basis right now.

Cycles.  Life is a constant series of cycles, of starting over, of learning, of achieving and of moving on.  My current quiet cycle is one that happens to me every couple of years.  I go inward, sorting through my thoughts, surveying where I currently dwell, the people around me, the work I do, and how all of those factors impact me.  What is my emotional health as a result?  How is my heart feeling on a deep, visceral level?  Am I fulfilled?  Am I wishing for more in any area of my life?  And can I fulfill those wishes on my own, or are they better realized with my hand held by another?  The answers to these questions take time, and a strong dose of honesty.  I'm working my way through the questions and the answers.

This is where I am.  Reflecting.  Realizing that endings are imminent.  Good-byes are necessary.  Some have actually already occurred, and one very recently resonated right out of my immediate sphere on its own.  The relief with that one was pretty profound; although there is sincere love for that person still, I recognize that the energy between us was just not meshing in a productive manner any longer.  The other person felt it, also, and an ending occurred.  It was healthy for both of us, and it was time for it to occur.  Other potential endings are still being ruminated in my heart and my conscious mind. 

It's a curious thing, how the state of pause can be full of a large degree of energetic activity.  I am in a holding pattern, yet there is a great deal going on around me.  Those cosmic threads are out there in the universe, attracting other energies and weaving new fabric together.  My part in this is to sweep out a lot of cobwebs and let go of old, threadbare clothing that no longer fits, no longer serves, and be ready to clothe myself in this newly woven fabric as it returns to me with all the bright new threads.  Each color a new possibility, a new experience, new relationships, new emotions, new strengths....all to mesh with the Me that stands in all that I have lived to this point.  I don't have a clue where it all will lead.  

So, I remain quiet.  Words are a constant, but they might not always make it here into a published post.  All those colored threads within the words are still forming a reality that is on the brink of manifesting.  I am in that space between breaths, between heartbeats, between blinks of the eye, between thoughts.  In my mind's eye, I exist as a brightly colored wisp of misty vapor, drifting along the currents of my own emotions.  The day-to-day reality keeps me tethered to this Earth School so that I do not drift away completely, and so that I have a path to retrace and come back to self.  Back to the here and now.  Back to that space between.  Back to that moment before the next beating of my heart, where possibilities are hovering, waiting to engage and be realized.

Snow paws

Photo:  www.wix.com

Change.  New experiences.  New people coming into our lives that perforce cause changes.  Many people love change!  I am not one of them, although it is an experience that I weather with much more Grace these days than I used to.  I'm good with it in my work environment and with my career; in fact, I actively pursue growth and change at that level.  I call it my Low Boredom Threshold and it keeps me pretty driven in that part of my life.

When it comes to personal areas, home life, relationships, heck no!  I tend to want to immediately dig my heels in.  Or, for those of you who grew up on Saturday morning cartoons, picture Bugs Bunny when someone is trying to force him through a door and all four paws cling tenaciously to the doorway.  Yep, that's me.  Wanting to hold on to the familiar with a vengeance.  I've gotten better with this as I've grown older, and I tend to joke about the degree of it I embrace these days.  Time has a way of whittling those rough edges away, after all.  But I admit I do still want to cling to the doorway at times.

I was talking with one of my dear sister-friends recently about this very thing and how I tend to react emotionally regarding very personal interaction.  This was what I shared:

You know what mental image I keep getting of myself?  I had this sweet Australian Shepherd dog named Kobay.  The first snow we had the first year I had her, she hid in her house.  I had to coax her out.  Sloooowly, she came out, but with each step, she lifted her paw, looked at it, shook it a bit to get rid of that foreign snow stuff, then looked at me, as though to say, "Eeeuuww. MOM!  That's new stuff. I don't LIKE it.  Make it go away!"

I.e.,  New.  Different.  Scary. Uncomfortable.  So, I'm doing the "get the snow off my paws" dance.

Does this sound familiar to any of you?   I actually find it rather humorous, the mental image, because it's an apt analogy for what I sometimes do.  Not always, and less and less as I grow into myself in an authentic manner, but it does happen, that old knee jerk reaction.  And yes, I admit I really do start to react that way at times when someone gets very close to me on an intimate emotional level.  That's scary stuff, after all!  It means that awful word, "vulnerability", is in the mix.  Well, quelle horror, shock and shudders!  WHO in their right mind enjoys being vulnerable?!  Certainly not I.  Mind you, I stop the behavior in its tracks when I recognize it starting to slip in, and that's what we're talking about here today.

The prequel post to this one would be "What do you do when" 5/22/2012, Healing Morning.  I recently experienced that moment of breath suspended and I let myself feel the feelings.  That took a while, took some pondering, took some allowing, took some releasing, took some growing and most assuredly, took some shifting and changing of Self.

Was it easy?  In some ways, yes.  We each have the option of making life experiences easy or difficult. Sometimes the emotions churn so hot and bright that we get distracted into thinking it has to be difficult and painful.  That's fear talking, of course.  It doesn't have to be anything, really.  Which is where that "just feel" part comes in.  When we do that, when we just feel, no turmoil need be experienced.  No fighting or grappling need be necessary.  They're feelings and they're meant to be felt!  What a concept, hmm??  Yet we spend a LOT of time, we humans, doing what another friend called "the high stepping freaky dance" when it comes to emotional stuff.  I call it the Snow Paw Dance, but it's basically the same thing.

My paws felt all weird and strange with that new stuff clinging to them and I wanted it to STOP RIGHT NOW.  I spent some time lifting each paw and attempting to shake that new stuff off, but it didn't work.  That new stuff is meant to cling to our paws and make an impression.  It forces us to feel the feelings, which is what is supposed to happen.  *sigh*  I know....if you're like me, you're thinking, "Really??  Are you SURE it's supposed to happen?  It feels strange.  I could be just as happy avoiding it."  That's my inner 5 year old speaking, or my inner puppy with snow paws, perhaps, and I don't indulge that knee jerk fear reaction for long.  I take a moment to recognize it and acknowledge the very human and understandable fear reaction, then I get down to the business of growth, learning and stretching my horizons.

This time when I got Snow Paw reaction, I was smart enough to chat with a friend and process the whole thing.  Luckily, I chose someone who doesn't cut me any slack and who kicks my booty (with love) when necessary.  Actually, she calls it yanking my tail to pull me down out of the tree I climbed up.  You know how kittens will do that, climb waaaay up high in a tree, realize just how high up they are, then start crying because they can't figure out how to get themselves down?  That's another analogy for what I was doing.  I got snow on my paws and I shot right up a tree to get away from it!  Then I needed a bit of an assist to get back down the tree, hence my sister-friend yanking my tail.

So, here I am, back on the ground.  As I look around me, the snow has melted and I think it's not so overwhelming to be here as was initially felt.  My paws might still be a wee wet and uncomfortable, but I'm back on the ground and I'm walking around in those feelings, getting used to the fit of them.  How do they feel?  New.  Different.  Scary.  Uncomfortable.  But there's also potential for them to become beyond comfortable and lovely.  If I let them, they can become one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced.

I'm going to stay here a while, I think.  Wet snow paws require some extra attention and personal grooming, after all.  In the process, I'm going to grow.  I can already see and feel that occurring.  Those who know me well are aware that I normally adore winter weather and snow.  It's when it hits out of season that it can throw a person off kilter a bit, but that's okay, because....

Snow out of season is one of the most spectacular experiences we can have.  

Carpe Happy, Y'all

Every writer has their own unique fingerprint, their own style and manner of inspiration which they pour into their work.  I am of the Magpie variety of writer when it comes to gathering inspiration.  I can literally be inspired by anything under the sun.  Those of you of similar nature will nod in understanding when I say that I will scribble down a fragment of a thought, or a snippet of conversation, sometimes just a single word, or a song lyric on any available surface.  Paper napkins, chewing gum wrappers, receipts, envelopes, pieces of cardboard....anything that will hold written words that hit in a firestorm of inspiration is utilized so that I don't lose that moment of clarity.  Magpies, for those of you not familiar, are birds who are entranced by anything sparkly, shiny or unusual.  They will collect such objects and take them to weave into the structure of their nests, making a unique, bright, cozy and sparkling home for themselves and their mates.

Most of my closest friends and family members have become accustomed to the fact that they're fair game and fodder for my Magpie imagination.  Any given conversational moment will trigger my Magpie reflex and off I go, frantically searching for something to dash off a series of handwritten notes for content of a future blog post, or a manuscript concept.

Recently, someone close to me uttered what I found to be a shining statement:

"Carpe happy, young lady."

This statement came through a series of texts on a lazy weekend evening, and as indicated above, it struck my Magpie reflex.  I thought, "What a great suggestion!  I want that on a t-shirt!"  As I am wont to do in such moments of inspiration, I studied the above suggestion.  It kept calling to me as I worked through some personal thoughts.  So, I kept coming back to it, circling around, pausing to study from this angle and that plane.  The more I studied it, the more I could hear a deeper message entwined in the words.

The suggestion itself was a delightful moment of whimsy from a friend. I still smile at the sentiment behind the words.  Taken at face value, it is an excellent and valuable suggestion!  In essence, and translation, it means, "Seize the happy."  As I had been experiencing a rather bubbly, happy afternoon to the point of the happy overflowing, I was driven to share with that friend in a bouncy, rollicking, cheerful text conversation.  Little did I know that the suggestion would, indeed, hold deeper meaning and lessons.

I've said it many times before - I excel at getting in my own way.  I will analyze the fool out of a situation, pick at it, poke at it, dissect it relentlessly until I come to whatever personal conclusion is necessary for me to feel satisfied that I fully understand that situation.  It's a protection mechanism, I fully admit this.  It gives me distance and lets me apply an almost clinical perspective.  Sometimes this serves a very good purpose, because cooler heads and calm logic prevailing definitely hold value.  It can also, however, become its own double edged sword, causing focus on negatives to the exclusion of all else....of searching for a solution that might not even be available yet, and thus, inflicting a sort of needless limbo.

On the heels of my happy afternoon, I found myself on the verge of doing that very thing...getting in my own way out of a knee jerk emotional reaction.  I was on the verge of projecting a whole boatload of negative possibilities and getting wound up in a completely unnecessary manner.  Negative possibilities which, mind you, hadn't even occurred and might not EVER occur.  Yet there I was, angsting and worrying those possibilities into near manifestation.  Law of Attraction precepts indicate that that which we focus attention on is that which we can and do manifest, so that reminder was a valuable wake up call for me.

It took me a while to recognize and identify where all of this "stuff" was coming from and what emotional triggers had been tripped, but once I did identify them, I immediately cut the cycle.  I realized that I was right on the precipice of pouring old energies, negative ones at that, into a new experience.  And I saw immediately how damaging that behavior could be if I allowed myself to continue.  It was a poor past habit that was attempting to bully its way back in and set up housekeeping.

So, I stopped it.  I cut the cycle and I shifted my immediate attention back to brighter thoughts.  It wasn't easy to begin with, because fear based thinking lifts its ugly head when we're the most vulnerable, when we're on the verge of stepping into a new experience that is scary and challenging on an emotional level.  I don't know many people who enjoy the sensation of being vulnerable - I know that I sure don't.  But this time, I reeled in the fear based thoughts and did not allow them to sink toxic tentacles into this new experience.  And the fascinating part was that within literally ten minutes of addressing this within myself, being honest, identifying the negative pattern attempting to emerge and blasting it out of existence, I had something occur that was almost instantly reassuring, instantly positive, instantly encouraging.  The relief and clear recognition of how each conscious thought, step and action had its own equal and opposite and positive reaction was lovely.

My decision with all of this nudges me to a behavior that I tend to not embrace that often, and that is living in the Now.  I'm much better at planning things to a meticulous level, because it is another protective mechanism.  That being said, this moment of epiphany clearly showed me that there is a great deal of merit in  living in the Now and being appreciative of each present moment.  For me, that behavior requires stepping out of old habits and patterns.  I'm quite good at living in the Now when it comes to writing, but the true LIVING part of it, well, I admit that I dance around that one and shy from it much more than I embrace it.

It took some work on my part and a conscious choice to be brave, along with being vulnerable.  I'm still not altogether comfortable with that mix - bravery and vulnerability - but I'm stepping forward anyway. And I'm doing it in the mindset suggested above:  Carpe happy, young lady!

I believe this is going to become a new mantra for me.  It carries such a happy, lighthearted message, tone and vibration.  When I read the words, my heart is immediately lifted up and my lips tilt in an irresistible smile.  It prompts such a nice, zippy, bubbly energy that I was driven to share it with you here, and being a southern belle of sorts, I simply cannot resist tweaking the message to embrace you all:

Carpe happy, y'all! :)

The Emperor Illusion

Photo: www.healthwatchcenter.com

Remember the fairytale, The Emperor's New Clothes?  It focuses on the fact that life is about illusions and we are what we choose to be, see, think and perceive.

For a good stretch of years, I've battled a personal health issue that required endless rounds of medications.  Those medications had the unfortunate side effect of weight gain, and the more frustrating part was that when the meds stopped, the weight gain didn't magically poof.  Nope, it stayed and I had to take it off the old fashioned way, with exercise, focus and hard work.  Repeatedly.  At times, it felt like it would never end.

Having been a naturally slender person my whole life up until that point, it was a definite painful experience to gain large amounts of weight in such a short period of time. I experienced some of the ugliest treatment in public, by complete strangers who felt they had the right to judge and treat me in a shockingly negative manner.  I became invisible to a great extent, somewhat due to my own insecurities and also due to that unspoken bias that the general public has towards people with weight issues.  I call it the most cruel, unspoken prejudice that exists.  For some reason, overweight people scare the world.  Seeing someone with weight issues sparks some inner terror in others that it could happen to them, so they react in a very childish and vicious manner, taunting, throwing ugly labels and hurtful names, judgment, laughter and petty actions at those overweight people.  It is one of the most disappointing things that I've witnessed and experienced, multiple times, in my whole life.  I also continue to observe this bias and cruel, thoughtless judgment in others on a regular basis, and the psychology behind the unkind behavior was part of the impetus to write this article.

If any of those people had taken time to talk to me, they would have learned that I'm not a "fat, lazy slob who sits around stuffing my face".  Yes, I've had that comment thrown at me more than once, in various forms. People looked at me, saw a weight issue and automatically decided I was lazy and ate to excess, and being overweight was a conscious choice.  This couldn't be farther from the reality and truth.

During the whole health crisis odyssey that I battled, I exercised regularly (still do, for that matter), I ate a sensible, healthy food plan and I still gained weight due to the medications I was taking.  Let me stress that I am not sharing this story to defend myself. I don't think anyone with weight issues should ever be made to feel they owe anyone explanations, defenses or anything else about themselves.  Gaining weight is not something that I "did" to anyone, or even to myself.  It happened as a result of medications meant to save my life. I didn't "make" it happen by being lazy, nor did I "allow" it to happen. I am at peace with what I went through with this health issue and the ongoing management of it.  The reason I am sharing this story is the same reason I write anything here at Healing Morning....to reach out, to talk about a difficult topic, to expose my thoughts and experiences, and to possibly help others in similar circumstances.

Let me also take a moment to talk about the other side of this coin.  There are many people who battle underweight issues that are just as misunderstood, just as harshly judged and who experience pain, humiliation and insecurities because of the way society views and treats them.  Being underweight for those individuals is just as difficult to experience as obesity is for another individual.  There is an automatic judgement that very thin people are anorexic and/or bulemic.  While this may be the case at times, it is not a blanket truth to apply to every extremely thin person.  My sister battles this underweight issue, as does a very dear friend.  Neither of them are doing anything to cause this underweight issue to occur; it is a medical by product that both are working hard with their respective doctors to figure out.  Yet people who don't know them feel qualified to judge and make unkind comments. Compassion seems to be at a low ebb when extreme weight issues on either side of the coin exist.

So, fast forward to about 2 years ago.  I made a conscious choice to stop the medical approach I had been implementing for over 12 years.  I was warned by my doctor that if I stopped the meds, I would die.  Blunt, plain and simple.  "You'll die, Dawn."  My quality of life was at such a low ebb that I felt a few weeks of not being on those meds and dying as a result just might be worth it.  So, I stopped.  Cold turkey, which probably wasn't all that safe or intelligent on my part, but that's what I did.  One week passed.  I was still alive.  Two weeks.  Then a month, then six months, and now, obviously, a couple years....and I'm still alive.  Let me say that I do not suggest anyone else follow my line of thinking.  I am not sharing specific details of my own health issue, because it's a personal one and I don't want to influence anyone who might have a similar health issue.  My choice was specific to my own life and I am not advocating that others take such a radical step.

These days, I am, for the most part, prescription medication free.  I still have the same health issue, and occasionally it does flare up and require taking those old medications again.  And yes, as a result, I quickly gain weight again that has to be taken off slowly, with hard work.  I'm okay with that, as these episodes are infrequent now.  I manage the symptoms, for the most part, with yoga, exercise, meditation and an eating and supplements plan that I've devised over the years.  When prescription medications become necessary, I bow to the inevitable and deal with it.

Why, then, do I reference "The Emperor Illusion"?  Because I did something the other day that really changed my perceptions.  And it may make some of you uncomfortable to read this.  I took a short video of myself, stark naked, from all angles.  Yep, I really did.  Then I viewed it with as close to objective eyes as I could manage.  Let me also say that I am currently up in weight again, due to two episodes that required prescription meds in November and December 2011.  The resultant weight gain happened and I'm now in the process of losing weight again.  In the past couple of years, my perceptions of myself have shifted, and let me say they've done so for the better.  I no longer espouse the same cruel thoughts of myself as fat and ugly that complete strangers jeeringly threw in my face.  It has taken many years to get to this point of acceptance and self-love, and I have good and bad days with it.  For the most part, though, I'm pretty happy with my body and how I look.

The exercise with the naked video was to see myself, clearly.  And you know what?  I was pleasantly surprised.  My mind's eye perception of myself was much less flattering than the video image showed me to be.  I had, in effect, been giving myself a version of the Emperor's New Clothes with a negative connotation. The reality that I saw on the video was nothing like the mental image of myself that I have been carrying around - in fact, it was much better than that mental image!

Yes, I want to continue to lose weight and get back to a size where I'm comfortable and happier, but I really was surprised and pleased that the image I beheld....myself, naked in this video, was a beautiful woman.  I've had a few experiences over the years where I was given the chance to view myself through the eyes of a stranger (One Wish, Healing Morning, 9/15/2009) and that proved to be a valuable learning experience.  What I learned from this intentional exercise with the naked video is a different lesson, and it was equally valuable.  I learned that my own perceptions are magnified in a negative manner and not always accurate....an Emperor's Clothes Illusion, per se.

Friends and family have insisted over the years that they saw me as beautiful, despite the weight gain, and I believe them.  Love sees beauty, and I'm fortunate to be blessed with love from family and friends.  I was stumbling for many years with the concept of loving myself, though.  I believed the "fat and ugly and worthless" slurs that strangers, and some people close to me threw at me.  I internalized those ugly words and beat myself down for a long time.

Today, life is different.  I have found ways to manage my health issue that allow me to step away from prescription medications, for the most part.  I no longer walk around in a mental fog from the medications, and the changes I've made with alternative holistic healing methods have made incredible positive changes in my emotional and physical health.  I've always been a happy soul, but that happiness was muffled for many years by the prescription meds.  Years of working on my emotional health has also provided huge strides forward in my ability to accept and love myself.

I was brave enough to do something most would cringe at....to film myself naked, from all angles, and then view that video.  What I saw was a healthy woman with shining eyes, skin and hair, who radiates a happy energy.  Did I see flaws?  Things I want to change and improve?  Of course I did!  We're all our own worst critics in that regard.  There is an actual disorder that exists called Body Dysmorphic Disorder that causes people to see a very skewed version of themselves in the mirror.  I think we all do this to a certain extent, and that is why I chose to make this video.  A video gives a better impression, as close to a three dimensional image as possible of how we look, where a mirror can give that flat, one dimensional image that we might tend to not view as clearly and realistically.

Ultimately, what I saw was not an ugly, obese, slovenly, lazy individual or any other ugly label I've been called.  I saw pretty.  I saw healthy.  I saw confident. I even saw, to my very real surprise, sexy.  I have had male and female friends alike tell me, quite bluntly, that I project a very confident, sexy presence. For the longest time, I just could not wrap my mind around how they could see such a thing, but I did believe them, as they were being sincere. With this video, I admit that I could finally see what they've been remarking on. Very important - I felt an inner sense of acceptance.  I recognized that I do still hold on to some Emperor's Clothing perceptions of my physical body, and it was a nice surprise to see that my perceptions were actually inaccurate.  I'm doing quite well and I am happy with where I am at this moment in my life.  I have intentions to continue to lose weight, but those intentions are driven by my own wishes and goals....not by the negative remarks of others.

I also think it is important to note that when others DO choose to be abusive and judgmental towards someone because of their physical appearance, it is NEVER truly about that person being singled out. The problem resides in the one casting judgment, as they are attacking something about which they carry a deep seated fear.  They are terrified of this same thing - being over or underweight - happening to them, so they lash out, they judge, they make hurtful and condescending remarks, feeling sanctimonious, safe and convicted in their judgments. This is not meant to be a rebound attack on my part towards those types of people. I just felt it merited mentioning the psychology behind this type of mindset.

I did find this a valuable exercise and of such value that I was driven to write the experience here at Healing Morning.  I may do it again, this naked video exercise, if at some point I find myself repeating old and negative mind chatter.  I may never do it again.  Who knows?  For now, it is an experience that taught me something surprisingly powerful and encouraging. And interestingly, as I sat back to ponder the intelligence of posting this article in the last week, I have run across several female friends who have brought up discussions regarding weight issues and how we are perceived and judged by our weight.  I took this as a Divine nod, a nudge of sorts, of the serendipitous kind, and I am now convinced it is the right decision to publish this.

I believe we're given challenges....be they health challenges, financial ones or any myriad of applications....as an opportunity to grow.  To change.  To refine Self.  To release petty beliefs, thoughts and actions.  To embrace compassion and acceptance, not only of Self, but of everyone.  I've always been strong with compassion and acceptance of others.  My weakness for a long stretch of years was compassion and acceptance of ME.  I'm working on it, and as I write this, I'm smiling.  What I hope discussing this topic will do, in the long run, is present a different perception for people....about weight issues in general, about compassion, about thinking before you judge a complete stranger on the street because of the way they look, about acceptance and shifting the way we all view the world and our place in it.

As the plane goes down

Photo:  traveldestinationinfo.com

When was the last time you felt short of breath?  After exercising?  After laughing with friends?  Rushing to a meeting?  Or perhaps because of being ill?

In August of 2010, I dealt with a protracted bout of pneumonia.  It lasted for well over a month, with the recovery process a long, grinding one.  I wrote a blog about this experience, called The Manifestation of Wellness (Healing Morning, 09/27/2010) in an effort to better understand what was happening with and to my body.  Most of us are aware that there is a strong mind-body connection that has impact on our health, although there are differing opinions on the veracity of this concept.  Depending on which side of the proverbial fence you stand, it makes sense or it's a bunch of nonsense.

Why am I bringing this up?  Because I am currently battling through another bout of pneumonia.  What surprised me was that in my mind, I had somehow convinced myself that that last bout of pneumonia had occurred more than two years ago.  Imagine my dismay when I searched for the blog article here on Healing Morning and found a clear pattern of approximately a year between recurrences.  Granted, last year's pneumonia was in August and this year, it has hit me in October, but they both occurred in fall months and they both progressed rapidly to full blown pneumonia.  Of course, many will say that this is simple logic - we're in the thick of flu season, with myriad viruses, bacteria and germs flying about in fall months.  I don't dispute that logic at all, and I agree that it is definitely a part of the cycle and pattern I've detected.

What I'm looking at is the mind-body aspect.  There are many esoteric tenets that have identified an emotional tie to specific health concerns.  I have talked with friends who follow/practice some of these esoteric tenets over the years to identify what the emotional tie is with flu and pneumonia.  The following are individual comments that happened during private conversations, so in the interests of protecting the privacy of all, I am not going to annotate a specific dogma, religion or person's name.  I will say that I have discussed this topic with people from a wide range of walks of life, spanning many organized religions, esoteric tenets and even what we would call "mountain wisdom" here in the southeastern region.

One friend offered the following information:

"...fatal bouts of pneumonia and influenza usually result from an individual's inability to handle multiple fears and challenges overwhelming them in a shorter, more compressed timeframe. Usually the person is drowned in the flood of emotions (fear, anxiety, panic) that engulf them. The 'internal floods' manifest as severe lung congestion which cuts off their connection to breath and sometimes, ultimately, their connection to life."

Another opinion:

"...issues involving the lungs indicate a need to address grief that may have been tucked away and not properly dealt with..."

Yet another, of a mountain wisdom perspective:

"Anything around the heart and the lungs that is severe is telling you that you're literally cutting off your own air.  You're allowing something emotional to grow to such proportions that it feels as though you're suffocating, and that begins to manifest physically in your body."

I think many of us can admit to being guilty of any of those three.  We all battle fear based thoughts on a daily, sometime minute by minute basis.  We all have had moments of loss where we didn't properly address the grief stages, whether from personal preference or from necessity of getting back into the hectic pace of work life, we've all done it.

When I began to delve deeply and pick apart the layers of my own life in this past year, I was able to easily identify areas and experiences that I could have dealt with more efficiently and more honestly.  I say "easily identify" because when I began this process, it was with a borderline ruthless determination to put an end to this cycle of repetitive illness.  I have dealt with pneumonia and respiratory issues most of my life, and I feel it is time to put stop to that cycle.

So, this inner searching had to be very honest.  I had to admit to areas where I had possibly been sloppy in my own processing, or where I had avoided tending to my own emotions.  THAT was the bigger wake-up call...that I was clearly slapped in the face with the fact that I had been regularly neglecting my own emotions.  Those who know me well would say that I am a very nurturing, caring, loving person, yet there I sat, confronting my own culpability.  There were both small and large issues where I had failed to care for myself properly because I was focused on caring for the world at large.  Over time, this type of personal neglect is going to build up and eventually, something will have to give.  The most obvious effect is illness, as all that toxic build-up has to find a path of exit.  Now that this illness has set into my body, I am doing my best to ride the wave of it all and allow it to burn off what is necessary to be burned off.

Am I saying that I've been walking around in a constant robotic state, endlessly stuffing down my emotions? Not at all.  What I have been guilty of, however, is of allowing myself to fall into what I call a "frozen state" when a slew of crisis points hit all at once.  I think that's probably a common reaction, because it hits that instinctive, reptilian fight or flight response deep within our brains.  We shut down on some levels in order to keep functioning, promising ourselves that when things calm down, we will address the emotional side of things.  The reality of life, however, is that things rarely calm down.  Life offers us a steady supply of challenges, scary moments, stressful experiences that lead to grief, anger, loss, frustration and more.  My own life in the last calendar year has been chock full of virtually every aspect that I just listed, and I now am looking at the fact that I need to go back and address some of the emotions that I put on hold out of necessity.

I need to create a more timely approach where I am honoring my own fears and reactions.  Everyone has a different freak out point - that thing or event that hits that will cause a meltdown to occur.  I won't go into specific detail about my own freak out point, but I think the central, common denominator for most is a loss of control.  We all have a very clear picture in our minds of who we are "supposed" to be, how we are "supposed" to project ourselves and how we are "supposed" to be perceived.  Strong.  Independent.  Intelligent.  Powerful.  Happy.  Successful.  Plug in the label of choice - we all have a persona we identify with.  It's when something....or many somethings....hit all at once and possibly jeopardize that persona that fears set in.  Freezing up, for many, is the result.  For me, that freezing up process is an internal one.  While that can be a good coping mechanism for the short term, it is the long term fall out that I am now focused on mitigating.  It's time to find a better method for dealing with high levels of stress, rather than putting them immediately on the side burner to tend to at some foggy future date that rarely receives true attention.

I know the habits I've neglected that are helpful - yoga, meditation, reading and writing for pleasure, spending time with family and friends, being out in nature, being artistically creative.  The firm truth is that I need to get back to creating time for myself first. This is a malady that has reached epidemic proportions the world over, putting ourselves last.  We all know that if we are not healthy, we are not going to be of any good to those we love, we are not going to be efficient co-workers, employers or employees.  That analogy of the airplane going down is a good one - unless YOU put the air mask on yourself FIRST, you won't be able to be of any use to anyone else as the plane goes down.

In my own personal experience, how apt is that analogy?  I failed to put my proverbial oxygen mask on throughout much of 2011, and the result has been that my body finally rebelled in a manner that mimicked my emotions....I got sick with a respiratory illness that rapidly progressed to pneumonia.  I cut off my own oxygen supply, in a way, from freezing up over and over.  From putting my own emotions on hold to tend to everything else in the world, I was communicating to myself on an emotional level that I didn't matter....and I slowly cut off the oxygen.  The smarter move would have been to immediately reach for that proverbial oxygen mask, to take care of myself first, to establish a clear airway for myself first, so that I was given time to access tools to carry on.

As that proverbial plane goes down, reverting to crisis thinking has become a negative habit for me that I  now need to change.  Will it be an easy process?  It can be, if I embrace change instantly, but that's not a realistic expectation.  I'm like most people in that I adapt to change slowly, and my own spin on it is to be very methodical in my approach.  Falling dramatically ill is as good a wake-up call as any, I guess.  It's highly unpleasant to be this ill, so who wouldn't want to investigate new behaviors that can help to avoid a repeat of that experience?

I also want to stress that I am not indicating that I believe we are 100% masterful creators of every single illness that strikes us.  I would not suggest that certain dread diseases are brought about by our own intentions, conscious or otherwise.  I do, however, believe there is truth to some of the emotional tenets I've discussed here; I think that if we are not mindful of our emotional state, this, in turn, can possibly compromise our immune systems enough to allow opportunistic maladies a toe hold in our bodies and then illness can be the result.  If there is even a fraction of truth to this concept, then it behooves me to do some personal house cleaning and put some clear focus into my daily habits and the care that I give myself.  Yearly bouts of pneumonia are unnecessary and I am aware that each bout is dancing with a knife-edge of uncertainty as to the outcome.  Pneumonia, as has been impressed upon me over and over by medical professionals, is not something to take lightly.

So, getting back to that plane going down analogy, we know that I'm not a pilot, obviously.  I can't fly a corporeal plane.  But I CAN  pilot my own Life Path and I can make better, more conscious choices when I am in the midst of a maelstrom of stressors.  I can choose better reactions and I can take care of myself FIRST, and don that oxygen mask as the plane goes down.  That plane going down isn't necessarily a bad thing, because all stories have a natural life cycle. That is a topic for another blog, perhaps.  For now, as this specific plane goes down, it is absolutely possible to save the flight by donning that personal oxygen mask.  By saving myself first, I can do so much more for the rest of the world.  Breathing is good, yes?  I remind loved ones of this regularly, so it is with a gracious acceptance that I embrace the concept as well.

Newly vacated space

Photo courtesy of
Bing images

From the moment that our human minds mature enough to understand cause and effect, we are in an endless search for peace, satisfaction and happiness.  Life definitely throws us curveballs regularly, keeping us challenged in new ways.  I don't think that we ever truly maintain the same definition of "normal" throughout the years.  In fact, I've often thought that achieving an endless state of satisfaction might be a death knell to myriad facets of life.  I know that I thrive when I am consciously aware that I am growing, changing and being pushed to broaden my horizons. In fact, I tend to pursue such a state.  I call it "Low Boredom Threshold", as I am always happiest when I have something new to conquer in my personal or business life.

A recent question was posed about how our immediate environment affects our emotional state.  What works best to create a sense of calm?  Obviously, this is going to vary widely from person to person, and from day to day.  I have found, on a purely personal level, that where I am emotionally is what strikes the tone for experiencing solid happiness and contentment.  That sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it?!  You're thinking, of course your emotions dictate your level of happiness.  Yes, they do, but what I'm talking about is delving deeper. 

For a good part of my life, I based a lot of my personal happiness on outward labels.  The most important label was what I did for work - what I did to pay the bills, where I occupied 80% of my time in the business week.  Given that I also spent a good number of years searching and trying on various careers to find the right fit (Low Boredom Threshold, remember?), I kept thinking that it was me....something I was doing was the problem.  In a way, that was the truth, because I was identifying my dissatisfaction with each job I held.  That dissatisfaction boiled down to the fact that I wasn't recognizing who and what I really was. 

I wasn't any of those jobs.  I just hadn't come to that state of conscious realization yet.  I did identify myself as what I was doing at any given time - be it office management, retail management, real estate, medical research, holistic health provider, and a whole slew of other industries.  Underlying the success that I experienced in each endeavor, there was always this nagging sense of dissatisfaction.  Some of it came from various corporate rules, and I'm the first to admit that I'm not a fan of a lot of those rules.  The majority of it came from the fact that I was putting so much weight and demand into the label I carried.  Those various job titles never felt "right" to me.

Fast forward to the last four to five years and the whole global economy changing so drastically.  Like everyone else in the world, my cozy little existence got turned upside down and I was forced to revamp and reinvent myself, more than once....more than twice, to be honest.  In a curious manner, the ups and downs that I experienced forced me to be much more present and practical about what worked best for me in all areas of life.  When things get pared down to bare essentials and you're starting from zero more than once, you quickly develop the ability to identify key elements that make the most sense. 

For me, this translated into creating a freelancing business and being my own boss, per se.  It's not always the easiest existence, as you're dependent upon the vagaries of the job market and economy in a slightly different manner, but it is a satisfying one.  I am able to choose the clients and industries where I want to work, and I am able to focus my career in directions that I choose.  I no longer depend on any sort of corporate entity to be the sole source of income, and I don't know that I ever want to go back to that way of life.  I am much happier knowing that I have multiple streams of income, and multiple opportunities in a much wider pool of clients and industries.  When bad things happen - as Life has a way of handing us those challenges in that out of the blue delivery mode - knowing that I have alternative options immediately available gives me a stronger peace of mind.

While this is my own specific experience, the deeper message that I am conveying is that it took me almost half my life to learn to stop identifying and qualifying who I am with any job that I do.  I now identify myself as a writer, plain and simple. And an entrepreneur.  Whatever I do in an ancillary manner to pay the bills is simply that....a means to an end.  I no longer invest my whole identity into someone else's vision, unless it is in a support application with my freelancing business.  I now invest my heart and soul into what gives me joy, and that is being a creative person.  The emotional freedom and sense of wellness that comes along with this new approach cannot be underestimated.  The fascinating thing is that by freeing up myself in this manner, I have noticed that prosperity seems to flow more efficiently.  Connections flourish more easily and timing seems to click more readily.

Does this mean that I no longer have difficult moments?  Absolutely not.  In fact, a bad moment hit me today that I wasn't quite prepared for.  I had had an intuition that things with this specific situation might not be all they appeared on the surface, but I wasn't prepared for the hitting the brick wall at maximum velocity delivery manner that occurred.  Ten or fifteen years ago, this type of bad news would have been devastating to me, as I would have internalized and beaten myself up as the sole source and reason for things going wrong.  I no longer do that these days.  Instead, as many dear friends pointed out upon hearing this news, this type of abrupt closure is always a clear indication of better things being prepared to come into that newly vacated space. 

What I am appreciative of at this point in my life is how I react to seemingly bad news.  I look much deeper than I used to.  I delve into the message and lessons being conveyed and I take the obvious opportunity for growth very seriously.  I recognize where I have impacted any given situation in a positive or negative manner, and I learn from it.  But the most important realization, for me, is that I am at a point in my life where I do not predicate my self worth on outside sources.  My emotional health definitely comes from within, and from there springs my complete happiness.  Even in the midst of admittedly bad news, such as that which I received today, I can honestly say I'm not broken hearted, dismayed or even too terribly upset.  I'm at an emotional and mental stage where I see balance and logic in every occurrence.  I won't lie and say I'm not frustrated with this temporary snag, because we never like to weather bad news, but all in all, I see Divine Order in everything around me.  This newly vacated space is waiting for new and different energy to set up housekeeping and provide new experiences.

So, from the perspective of how our environment affects our emotional well being, I guess the stronger message would be to first look inward and see how reactive each of us may be to a given situation.  I'm choosing to view my own recent experience of this newly vacated space as an opportunity.