Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Surveying the wreckage

Photo:  ansil.tumblr.com
In the last 2-3 months, I've had a decidedly eventful life.  At face value, that sounds exciting, doesn't it?  It hasn't been.  It's been interesting, yes, and I've certainly grown in ways I would never have predicted or imagined prior to these events, but none of it was exciting.  Epiphanies were the by product of these events.  The following is a comment I left on the blog post of my dear friend, Debra El Ramey (http://debrasblogpureandsimple.blogspot.com/2012/07/inch-by-inch.html):
"I found this interesting. It would be simple to say that I am writing my own manuscripts with hopes of being published, and that is true. What came to mind, however, is that I am releasing some layers of armor that no longer serve me. And the realization came from a very harsh, unexpected lesson - the death of a loved one polarized everything in my life and from that one breath to the next, I was forever changed. I recognized that something that had been valid, important and very passionately necessary to me one day simply became unimportant in one powerful blow. I am now surveying the wreckage of some vestiges of ego and processing and learning who I am now, afterwards.  And I do believe I have the genesis of my next blog post.
I never cease to marvel at how I greet myself anew when I visit here, Debra."
Debra's post:  http://debrasblogpureandsimple.blogspot.com/2012/07/inch-by-inch.html         *I encourage you to visit Debra's wonderful blog!*
Those who know me well might be surprised to learn that I'm stubborn.  I am.  I admit it freely.  I don't know if I'm more stubborn than most, or if I'm just more vocal about it when need be.  What I do question about my stubbornness is if I subsequently require a more dramatic set of lessons in order to be awakened to what should otherwise be obvious to my pea brain.  These recent epiphanies came on the heels of some very hard and harsh experiences.

In May of this year (2012), I went through a series of car calamities that grew progressively worse, with one event being a near miss where I could easily have died.  My back right tire exploded in rush hour traffic, literally lifting my car up in the air, then throwing my car directly into the oncoming lane where I should have been hit head on by a monster truck and three other cars.  Somehow, they all swerved and avoided me and I managed to wrestle my car back into the proper lane without hitting anyone or being hit.  There was a lesson in that experience - a big one, and I'm still processing it.  Mere weeks later, my car finally bit the dust.  This experience happened on the heels of a personal situation that, at the time, was driving me to near distraction.  The resulting epiphany was quite dramatic and gave me the opportunity to walk in that other person's (the other person in that relationship) shoes and know and feel immediately what that person had been attempting to communicate to me.  So, two similar lessons layered one atop the other and kicked me into a new state of awareness with a rather brutal boot.

Fast forward to July of this year (2012) and I lost a family member to suicide.  What has come to mind, in the days since, is that I am releasing some layers of armor that no longer serve me. This realization came from the very harsh, unexpected lesson of the death of that loved one.  It polarized everything in my life and from that one breath to the next, I was forever changed. I recognized that something that had been valid, important and very passionately necessary to me one day simply became unimportant in one powerful blow. I am now surveying the wreckage of some vestiges of ego and processing and learning who I am now, afterwards.  As you can see, this is the comment I wrote above, on Debra's blog post Comments section.

Those valid issues that held such importance to me are still valid, and I daresay I will revisit them in the future to assess their new level of importance.  But right now, today, I am changed.  I came to a swift, blinding rush of realization, courtesy of the finality that sudden death of a loved one brings.  I remember reflecting on the decision I had made the day before, a very permanent, final, tough decision.  It ended a relationship that was important to me, that decision.  At the time, I fully, firmly believed I was making the right choice for myself.  I still believe that. At that moment in time, it was the right decision to make.  But after I lost a loved one to suicide, I was made bluntly aware that the person I was when I made that dramatic decision no longer existed.

It's fair to say we change with each tick of the clock. It's a minute splitting of hairs, if we want to go down that spiral of thought.  It does apply here, that splitting of hairs. I received a fateful phone call that someone I loved took their own life, and the world changed for me in that jagged flash of words.  As I went through the grief process, I reflected on the fact that nothing I could do...no decision I could make would make a difference with that equation. Nothing could bring my loved one back.  All I had power over was myself and the decisions and choices I make.  And I was made dramatically aware that that hard line choice I had made the day before, the one that had felt so strongly right and valid, was no longer a truth for me.

So, rather than inch by inch of progress, as Debra's blog speaks of, I began to peel layer by layer away of my old self.  I stood and surveyed the wreckage of where my Ego firmly planted itself, hand in hand with Pride and Fear, and made a defiant stand.  Those noble flags of Self no longer flew with bright colors on the landscape of my soul.  Instead, they rested quietly on veritable flag poles, waiting to be lowered, folded and tucked away, as they were simply no longer necessary.

In the process of finding my feet, finding my balance in this new existence, I've mentioned to a couple of people that in the last 6 - 8 months, I've been greeting myself in ways that I would never have predicted.  Relationships do that....they provide a very clear mirror for us to see who we are, to see our behaviors and if we're smart, they provide clarity for us to make necessary changes.  I've been experiencing that very thing and I'm not ashamed to admit that I didn't always like what that mirror showed me.  Living in Ego is something we all do and it's a very human behavior.  It....living in Ego, can be defined, also, as living in Fear.  That is a behavior that I work on constantly to mitigate in myself, with an eye towards cutting repetitive, negative cycles that serve no other purpose but to hold me back.

A little more than a month later, I am still adapting to this new Self.  I am also continuing to greet myself within the auspices of this relationship that shapes me on a constant basis.  I like the changes that are taking place; I like the level of communication that is being fostered on both sides.

There is value in being broken down; I think most of us recognize this fact. Remaining in a rigid mindset might feel comfortable and familiar, but the freedom that breaking free of those inflexible walls offers is a joyful thing to experience.  I'm breathing differently....more deeply....more confidently.  I am looking at myself and others with new eyes.

And I'm climbing a new hill, because that's what we do as we move forward in Life.  We traverse those endless hills and valleys.  From the viewpoint of the upward slope of this current hill, I look over my shoulder....just once....to survey the recent wreckage.  Then I turn and keep walking forward, and upward.  What is ahead of me is wide open road.

20 comments:

  1. Dear Dawn,

    I'm so sorry for your loss -- holding you in my heart as you heal!

    Sounds like you're going through a super-growth phase. Your comments about not looking back reminded me of several different Bible quotes including this one:

    Jesus replied, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” ~ Luke 9:62, NIV

    My interpretation is that if we want to serve the highest purpose in our lives we need to keep looking forward -- just as you said in your post.

    Good Luck with your NEW LIFE! XOXO

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    1. Miss Linda, thank you for the wonderful comment! "Super-growth phase" is pretty accurate. For whatever reason, that seems to be how my life cycles manifest, in a super-charged fashion. I might complain about the pace occasionally, but the truth is, it suits my nature to get hit with a lot at once. Keeps me on my toes! Thank you for the good luck wishes, chickadee! <3

      - Dawn

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  2. Wow, Dawn, you certainly have had more than your share of wake-up calls in the past month. So sorry they had to be hard, sad, and tragic ones, but sometimes it is in adversity where we suddenly see opportunity. God is so good like that, isn't He?
    Yes, there is open road ahead for you and you have the fresh eyes to see life anew. May God bless you on this journey of personal growth and awareness, my friend!
    Oh, and Debra is a wonder, isn't she? :)

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    1. Martha, yes, God/Universe/Spirit is truly good! I marvel at the lessons that are always right there in front of our nose. Thank you for the beautiful, sincere blessings, sweet girl. I am absorbing the energies of those blessings on a daily basis and looking forward to more.

      And yes, Debra is incredible! She's one of those daily blessings in my little spot of the world. :)

      Much love,

      - Dawn

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  3. A dark night of the soul summer, full of mystery and promise along with the loss and challenges. Your reflections are such an inspiration. Blessings to you as you move forward.

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    1. Galen, it has been all of those things and more. I'm glad to hear that what I've shared has had value for you. We all go through those dark nights of the soul at one time or another, so sharing the experiences is important. We're never alone, if we look at it that way. Thank you for the blessings! I wish blessings to you in return. <3

      - Dawn

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  4. How interesting, Dawn, that you should write about surveying the wreckage too. My most recent post is called After the Storm. Yeah, those storms of life shake us to the core and force us to release those many layers of armor that no longer serve us.

    On stubbornness… it can be a plus or a minus. A plus in the sense that when storms come, the parts of us that are Real can’t be shaken. They can be bent to the ground like the palm trees in Florida during a hurricane, but they don’t break.

    Minus in the sense that the false self can be broken and crushed by the wind force – or, as you say, the ego layers peeled back to reveal the Real.

    On relationships… your assessment is spot on. “Relationships do that....they provide a very clear mirror for us to see who we are, to see our behaviors and if we're smart, they provide clarity for us to make necessary changes.”

    Thank you so very much, my dear friend, for the transparency here. The Real self shining so bright. Within the past few weeks I too have grasped this reality: there’s blessing in pain, blessing in suffering, blessing in grief. Hard lessons are the most valuable; they come with a high price.

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    1. Debra, I find it fascinating how serendipity hits the blog-o-sphere and many of us write on similar concepts. I look forward to visiting and reading your thoughts! Yes, there is blessing in pain, suffering and grief. The past 12 weeks of my life have been some of the most challenging I've lived in recent memory. I've grown exponentially, I recognize that, but I'm ready for some down time to absorb the lessons and heal a bit.

      Much love to you, dear one. <3

      - Dawnie

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  5. Dawn, you have surely been walking in the storm these last few months...I find in my own life that such phases are a time of preparation for inner change and a call to go deeper within myself. I can see that you are going through that too. Will be holding you close in love and prayer.

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    1. Corinne, I agree with you - this amount of contrast in our lives is definitely a prep stage. We slough off a lot of old energy that no longer serves a good purpose so that there's room for new energies to come in. I always strive to look deeper than the surface of Life, because that's where the lessons are recognized and absorbed. I'm still in the absorbing process, learning a great deal. Thank you, dear one, for the beautiful love and prayers. <3

      - Dawn

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  6. Dawn, I'm sorry for your loss. At the same time I rejoice in your gain. It has always amazed me how the toughest things in life tend to teach the most rewarding lessons. I don't wish harsh circumstances on anyone—yet they come, and they change us.

    We are here for such a short amount of time, yet it feels as though we have and will be here forever. The day is so immense and the night so long. And here, in this life, is where we learn how to wake up.

    Your writing is beautiful and so is your heart sweet sister. Thank you for sharing the wealth of your epiphanies. How they shine like gold!

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    1. Leah, your own words are so full of wisdom! That waking up process is a constant, if we choose to live consciously. I don't think we ever come to that point of having learned it all, nor would I want to. That's the beauty of Life - that learning and growing never ceases. Another beautiful part is that we never do it alone! There are always other bright Souls walking similar paths, waving to us along the way. I'm waving at you, honey. <3

      - Dawn

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  7. New life, new growth, new..normal. It is good to take time and look over the landscape, I am glad you did and are on your way. Love you Dawnie-elf!!

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    1. Yes, a new normal, Tinker. I'm now finally taking some new breaths in the mix. Ready for life to remain calm for a while. Love you in return, my sweet girl. <3

      - Dawnie

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  8. You will find your way. One foot in front of the other - one step at a time.

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    1. Anna, yes, that's true. This week following our reunion has been a time of reflection and being quiet for me. Processing through all the emotions, figuring things out, letting everything settle and start to make sense, finally. Sometimes it's from one breath to the next, before I even get to taking a step, but I'm doing well. Much love to you.

      - Dawn

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  9. You have come through... it's amazing what we are capable of dealing with, just when we think we can't handle another thing. I am going through that right now myself. You are strong!

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    1. Launna, oh my, yes! We truly never know how strong and resilient we are until we're given no other choice but to put our head down and keep moving forward. I'm holding you in prayer and sending you support, encouragement, smiles, and a hand to hold as you walk your own path. You're doing great, chickadee! <3

      - Dawn

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  10. Dawn, I'm finding that we learn a lot about ourselves through tragedies and conflict. I'm so sorry for the loss of your family member. It's hard not to change when we lose a part of ourselves, and I do believe when we lose close loved ones and friends that a piece of us dissolves away.

    It's hard to see the healing while we are in pain, but when we are open to the growth we can benefit tremendously from it. Thanks for being so honest about your process.

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    1. Tameka, it's a process that I don't believe we ever finish. With any death, we just learn to live with that loss and find a way to move forward. Suicide is a whole other experience and one that I wouldn't wish on anyone. The lessons are continuing to hit. The most dramatic one is that I literally am no longer who I was before my cousin died. And that's requiring me to do a lot of inward focusing, processing and accepting. I'm still off kilter in a lot of ways, but healing is happening.

      Thank you for visiting and sharing your thoughts, sweetheart. <3

      - Dawn

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