Sunday, April 10, 2016

...of all that is...

photo:  www.wenelo.com
In this month of April 2016, I see 2015 as a curious year.  As I look back on it now, I feel a sense of distance that goes beyond the linear mark.  I don't know if that is true detachment, or if it is a shell of self-preservation.  Only time will tell with that.

I lost a large number of people extremely close to me in 2015. Death was not particular about those chosen, taking both family and dear, life long friends in high numbers.  Looking back on that aspect of 2015, I am stunned at the list of those who transitioned, and I am equally stunned that I weathered that many losses and managed to keep hold of equanimity, acceptance and sanity. 

Of course, loss of sanity always surrounds us in the immediacy of loss through physical death, and I am not ashamed to admit that I had many dark nights of the soul because of those losses.


On the other end of the spectrum, I had triumphs.  I experienced love.  I shared my heart with sincerity and honesty, offering my deepest, truest self.  For some moments, that part of me was met and embraced, and I can look back on those moments with clear eyes that see shining beauty.

I stumbled many times, with repercussions of a most recent set of stumbles still playing out.  I am unsure of the direction those unexpected, haphazard, shocking, sometimes ripping and hurtful experiences will take me.

The only thing that I know at this moment is that I am learning and growing as a result.  I am continuing to take the next breath. That is all any of us can do when we absorb the stunning impact of disappointment and betrayal - we take that next step, breathe that next breath, and repeat the process in a numbed state until we are able to tentatively begin settling back inside ourselves.  Back inside from where we flew off and established that state of protection and detachment.

Perhaps that is actually what is happening.  I am settling back inside myself, reacquainting, realigning, reassembling, building and stitching together the old with what I brought back from the outside, from the distance and the quiet.

I often think that what we view as coming undone is the real making of us, because it forces us to release all those pieces of detritus that had been slowing us down, had been holding us back, had been slowly dulling our brilliance.

What prompted this article when it has been such a long time since I have written here?  I was busy the other day, in the midst of networking and focusing on career issues, and a random thought crossed my mind.  A question jumped from those thoughts, and I picked up my cell phone to call a dear friend.  Because I was doing so many things at once, juggling so many proverbial balls, I got all the way through scrolling through my contacts and clicking through to dial that phone number before reality slapped me sideways.  I remembered in a crashing rush that that friend is gone.  He died in September of 2015.

The inevitable avalanche of emotions flowed.  I went through a miniature version of the grief process, shed some tears, rode the wave of colorful memories that had me laughing along with the tears, because this friend always, always made me laugh.  And I pondered this life I'm living.  I pondered the curious process we live here on this Earth School.

I came up with no bright, unique answers.  No startling discoveries have hit my personal horizon. I find that the older I get, the more liquid becomes the process of accepting death, and of accepting change.  When I was wee, life was very finite and defined.  Black and white.  With age comes new perspective and perception, and all those infinite shades of gray.

I have no idea what the year of 2016 will bring for me, even as I sit here well into the fourth month of this year.  What I do know is that 2015 underscored in a dramatic fashion what we all know, and that is that nothing is promised to each of us.  Tomorrow is not promised.  The next moment is not promised, nor is the next breath.

In the span of all that is, each life lived on this planet is akin to the blink of an eye.  

We are such a brief expression of love and energy in physical form, it is another curious moment for me to ponder why we waste so much time.  We get bogged down in so many fears and doubts.  I have allowed myself to become entangled in my own fears and doubts, and I have participated and engaged in fears and doubts of those closest to me.  From that engagement, I have stumbled.  As I am regaining my balance from those stumbles, the clarity gained is of a quiet tone.  In that quiet, I am studying and processing, and making decisions.

I am aware of what I will no longer entertain.  I am aware of what I will no longer indulge.  I am cognizant in a manner that I have not experienced in a great while.  I am aware of promises that I made to myself ages ago, promises which have patiently waited for me to pick them up and breathe life into them....breathe life into ME.

This all sounds so ponderous and dramatic, yes?  In some ways, perhaps it is, but another curious note is that these shifts and realizations haven't hit with thundering impact.  They have slipped in gently, with very little fanfare.  Layers of myself have surrendered to being pared away, lifted up to the winds that swirl around only me, separating me from the old, and brushing, whispering change across my face....across my soul.  I have turned, eyes closed, a slowly spinning dance of release.

In that span of all that is, that which we label Infinity, here I am....expressing all that I am.  Doing my humble, human best to radiate Love outward.  Brushing fingertips with those of you who visit here, our eyes locking for a glance, our hearts marching to an identical rhythm for an instant.  And as the quote above offers....


....and in that moment, I swear....

WE WERE INFINITE....

For now, this knowing, this acceptance of NOT knowing....it is enough. 

12 comments:

  1. Dawn it is so nice to see you writing again... I have been thinking about what you write here a lot lately. Due to the fact that I have made promises to myself and I stopped living up to them... I feel disappointed in myself but I realized that is just a waste of time... I just need to pick myself up and start again and not let it bring me down.

    As far as losing people, it can be sad but those memories are awesome too... I choose to remember the good things whenever possible... besides I do have a belief in something after this.

    I do wish I had opened up to love... I fear that the most. I am trying not to be so closed about it anymore... I'm trying to remember the good that comes from it... even when there is so much pain when it doesn't last...

    Have a great week xox

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    1. Launna, thank you for still being such a loyal follower of my blog! I had no expectations that anyone would visit and post a comment after being silent here for so long, so your comment lifted my writing spirit!

      Fears and doubts - they're a messy lot, yes? We all wrestle with them, struggle against them, and allow them to occasionally slow our personal progress. The encouraging thing is that you recognize that each moment is an opportunity for a fresh start, and that's not an easy lesson to embrace for any of us!

      Love - that one is a Big Scary. I think every single person has that fear of being hurt again, of trusting again after being hurt in love. I'm no different - it's an ongoing process to decide to move forward and be brave enough to love again. Whatever timetable that lives in for each of us is unique, and shouldn't be rushed.

      Thank you, dear one, for visiting. I appreciate you more than you know.

      - Dawn

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  2. Beautifully expressed. Know you are loved as you return to your Alignment

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  3. Linda, thank you for the love, acceptance and compassion. Some journeys take longer than others, and knowing our hand is being held in heart and spirit is a deep comfort. <3

    - Dawn

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  4. I have so missed your words of inspiration, Dawn, and am thankful you have posted this most reflective and touching post today. You have brilliantly expressed how loss, no matter what form it takes, can often be a life lesson for us - transforming, changing, growing us into the person God intends for us to be. Your words moved me to reflect upon how I react to loss in my life; something to ponder and pray about.
    Blessings, my friend!

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    1. My dear Martha, thank you for returning here after my lengthy silence! Life lessons - they're never ending, coming at us in surprising ways, from unexpected directions. "Growing us into the person God intends for us to be" is a beautiful and apt expression of it all! Blessings to you in return, love! <3

      - Dawn

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  5. As you are aware, I know grief all too well. I also know the incredible healing power of love. What a beautiful and wondrous blessing! It can propel us to a new life, inspired by great memories of those we love who have gone before.

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    1. Chip, I know you are going through so many of those "first year anniversary" moments of loss. They present many challenges for all of us when that first year after losing a loved one plays out. This year is battering me with a large number of those moments, so I am regularly flooded with love memories, laughter, growth and so much more. I send you love and support as you're walking that same path. Thank you for visiting me here. <3

      - Dawn

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  6. So much resonated with me Dawnie. Wonderful words. I think almost dying and a hospital 2 week stay, I have come back to life a much different person. Missing you so and loving you so much. Janie

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    1. Janie, we haven't talked in such a long while that I don't know if what you're sharing happened recently. If so, I am so happy to hear that you're doing well! I've had a couple of those grim health moments, and it does change us dramatically. Perspectives change, hearts change, old habits fall away, new habits are formed, and we emerge into a new reality.

      I miss you and am loving you in return, my darling Janie! <3

      - Dawnie <3

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  7. I miss you and you are always in my heart and prayers. Love you to pieces! Do you still have the same email address?

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    1. Janie, yes, my email address is the same one. It will never change, I promise! I love you in return, and am so happy to reconnect. <3

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