Observations by Luther the Gargoyle - The Tribe Is Growing!

Observations by Luther the Gargoyle. Luther’s gargoyle tribe is growing, y’all! ⚜️

#HealingMorning #MorningMeditation #GargoyleTribe #DailyGargoyleGrumble #OurBuddyPaul #LutherTheGargoyleHasSpoken #Friendship

Morning Meditation - Catch Hold of Life!

 Morning Meditation. I occasionally draw inspiration from dear friends. This is a beautiful example!✨

#HealingMorning #MorningMeditation #Friendship #Inspiration #Collaboration #CatchHoldOfLife #JanetBuhlMoodyAvery #Intent

Observations by Luther the Gargoyle - Anniversary Time!

 Observations by Luther the Gargoyle. Today is momentous, y’all. It is the day in 2021 that Luther and Dawn came together to form a grumpiful, entertaining human-gargoyle collaboration! ⚜️🎂

#ObservationsByLutherTheGargoyle #HappySecondAnniversary #HealingMorning #Collaboration

Morning Meditation - Jane Ewen Collaboration

 Morning Meditation™️. My dear friend wrote these words when she shared one of my MM quote cards, & it is so lovely, I decided it merited its own unique moment! ✨

#HealingMorning™️  #MorningMeditation™️  #JaneEwenWisdom  #AuthenticSelf  #BeautifullyDifferent  #Friendship

Morning Meditation - Entertaining Angels Unaware, Part Two

 Morning meditation™️. A story of entertaining angels unaware, Part Two. ✨ 🕊

#HealingMorning™️  #MorningMeditation™️  #HebrewsThirteenTwo  #DivineSpark  #AngelicVehicle  #Friendship  #Blessings

Healing Morning Extra - Beginning

 Healing Morning Extra™️. The genesis of the Healing Morning foundation began in 2009 with a conversation and extended lunch with Shannon Foster-Boline, who helped me create the shell for my Healing Morning blog. Since then, the form of expression I have employed has shifted and grown into three weekly image quote card series that have been a joy to create. This quote card thought shared today continues to match the sentiment and energy that I wanted to give voice to thirteen years ago, and the journey continues. I hope those of you who follow the Healing Morning page enjoy what I share! ✨

*Shannon, thank you for helping me get my feet on this writing path all those years ago! ❤️*

...of all that is...

photo:  www.wenelo.com

In this month of April 2016, I see 2015 as a curious year.  As I look back on it now, I feel a sense of distance that goes beyond the linear mark.  I don't know if that is true detachment, or if it is a shell of self-preservation.  Only time will tell with that.

I lost a large number of people extremely close to me in 2015. Death was not particular about those chosen, taking both family and dear, life long friends in high numbers.  Looking back on that aspect of 2015, I am stunned at the list of those who transitioned, and I am equally stunned that I weathered that many losses and managed to keep hold of equanimity, acceptance and sanity. 

Of course, loss of sanity always surrounds us in the immediacy of loss through physical death, and I am not ashamed to admit that I had many dark nights of the soul because of those losses.

On the other end of the spectrum, I had triumphs.  I experienced love.  I shared my heart with sincerity and honesty, offering my deepest, truest self.  For some moments, that part of me was met and embraced, and I can look back on those moments with clear eyes that see shining beauty.

I stumbled many times, with repercussions of a most recent set of stumbles still playing out.  I am unsure of the direction those unexpected, haphazard, shocking, sometimes ripping and hurtful experiences will take me.

The only thing that I know at this moment is that I am learning and growing as a result.  I am continuing to take the next breath. That is all any of us can do when we absorb the stunning impact of disappointment and betrayal - we take that next step, breathe that next breath, and repeat the process in a numbed state until we are able to tentatively begin settling back inside ourselves.  Back inside from where we flew off and established that state of protection and detachment.

Perhaps that is actually what is happening.  I am settling back inside myself, reacquainting, realigning, reassembling, building and stitching together the old with what I brought back from the outside, from the distance and the quiet.

I often think that what we view as coming undone is the real making of us, because it forces us to release all those pieces of detritus that had been slowing us down, had been holding us back, had been slowly dulling our brilliance.

What prompted this article when it has been such a long time since I have written here?  I was busy the other day, in the midst of networking and focusing on career issues, and a random thought crossed my mind.  A question jumped from those thoughts, and I picked up my cell phone to call a dear friend.  Because I was doing so many things at once, juggling so many proverbial balls, I got all the way through scrolling through my contacts and clicking through to dial that phone number before reality slapped me sideways.  I remembered in a crashing rush that that friend is gone.  He died in September of 2015.

The inevitable avalanche of emotions flowed.  I went through a miniature version of the grief process, shed some tears, rode the wave of colorful memories that had me laughing along with the tears, because this friend always, always made me laugh.  And I pondered this life I'm living.  I pondered the curious process we live here on this Earth School.

I came up with no bright, unique answers.  No startling discoveries have hit my personal horizon. I find that the older I get, the more liquid becomes the process of accepting death, and of accepting change.  When I was wee, life was very finite and defined.  Black and white.  With age comes new perspective and perception, and all those infinite shades of gray.

I have no idea what the year of 2016 will bring for me, even as I sit here well into the fourth month of this year.  What I do know is that 2015 underscored in a dramatic fashion what we all know, and that is that nothing is promised to each of us.  Tomorrow is not promised.  The next moment is not promised, nor is the next breath.

In the span of all that is, each life lived on this planet is akin to the blink of an eye.  

We are such a brief expression of love and energy in physical form, it is another curious moment for me to ponder why we waste so much time.  We get bogged down in so many fears and doubts.  I have allowed myself to become entangled in my own fears and doubts, and I have participated and engaged in fears and doubts of those closest to me.  From that engagement, I have stumbled.  As I am regaining my balance from those stumbles, the clarity gained is of a quiet tone.  In that quiet, I am studying and processing, and making decisions.

I am aware of what I will no longer entertain.  I am aware of what I will no longer indulge.  I am cognizant in a manner that I have not experienced in a great while.  I am aware of promises that I made to myself ages ago, promises which have patiently waited for me to pick them up and breathe life into them....breathe life into ME.

This all sounds so ponderous and dramatic, yes?  In some ways, perhaps it is, but another curious note is that these shifts and realizations haven't hit with thundering impact.  They have slipped in gently, with very little fanfare.  Layers of myself have surrendered to being pared away, lifted up to the winds that swirl around only me, separating me from the old, and brushing, whispering change across my face....across my soul.  I have turned, eyes closed, a slowly spinning dance of release.

In that span of all that is, that which we label Infinity, here I am....expressing all that I am.  Doing my humble, human best to radiate Love outward.  Brushing fingertips with those of you who visit here, our eyes locking for a glance, our hearts marching to an identical rhythm for an instant.  And as the quote above offers....

....and in that moment, I swear....

WE WERE INFINITE....

For now, this knowing, this acceptance of NOT knowing....it is enough. 

Zero Happy

So, the conversation happened on Facebook today, and it went like this:

 

How often are we able to say our day was blessed with such an unexpected, sweet moment like this?!  Zero Dean is a friend that I met through Facebook and he is one of the most talented, funny, kind people that I have yet to meet face to face.  I have met several people in person whom I originally met via social media; Zero is still on that list of need-to-meet-in-person.  I'm working on getting him out to my side of the country in 2015.  I'm sure he will find a way to create a storyline, take beautiful pictures and video footage in the process.

So, today for me is the day following a big professional networking event.  The day after these events tends to be full of tying off loose ends, tending to final details, and putting plans in place for the next event.  You rarely have downtime between each of these events - you're always working on the current event, finishing up from the most recent one, or planning for the next one.  "No rest for the weary" is an axiom that applies here.  This is not a complaint, mind you.  I am sharing what has been going on in my world this week to indicate that my energy today has been a trifle low.  That's not unexpected, as I've been doing this type of event management for many years - I expect to be mentally and physically tired the day after a successful event.  That proved true for today, and I have been working primarily in my home office and on the phone.  No running of errands, no leaving the house.  Just getting my second wind and winding down the business week.  

And out of the blue, I clicked on the Facebook notification that led me to the above conversation with Zero. (Yes, that's his real name; no, it's not a nickname; it's his story to tell and we're focusing on something different here today.  Ask him about it; it's an interesting story!)  I don't know about anyone else who is reading this, but I admit to sitting and staring at the words on my laptop screen that Zero shared, more than a little stunned.  Stunned in a good way!  Humbled, of a certainty.  Charmed a fair amount, and then puzzled as to how my coming up in his conversation prompted him to smile.  I guess that we rarely see ourselves in such a light, and I've discussed this very topic before here at Healing Morning (One Wish, Healing Morning, 12/15/2009, and By any other name, Healing Morning, 1/9/2011).  We tend to default more to self-doubt and lack of self-confidence.  If we're fortunate, occasionally someone close to our heart will take the time to remind us of that golden light that emanates from us.  That's what Zero did for me today.  He reminded me of the beauty of my spirit....of my True Self.

I still have no idea what the content of the conversation was that Zero referenced happening to him this morning, and I have no idea with whom he had this conversation.  What matters to me is that he had this experience in this conversation, and he recognized that it made him happy.  Better still, he went that extra step to reach out to me and let me know I was part of his happy moment.  I truly cannot think of any higher compliment, or of anything more surely guaranteed to delight the heart.  

Knowing we're in some small way responsible for lifting someone's heart, for tipping their lips to smile, for sparking a twinkle into their eyes.....that is value beyond measure! 

Zero is one of those bright spirits who is bucking traditional thoughts and is creating his own unique existence.  I expect great things from him in the near future, as he is talented in so many tangible ways.  What I appreciate the most about him is hard to define.  He makes me laugh constantly, because we share a similar irreverent sense of humor.  He makes me ponder deeply, because he is as interested as I am in delving more deeply into people than is common.  He touches my heart with a level of compassion and sweetness (which will probably horrify him - manly men do not prefer labels such as "sweetness" applied to their manly selves) that sometimes renders me silent, and prompts tears.  That's what he did today - he had me smiling and tearing up from taking maybe 10 seconds out of his day to post that message on my Facebook page.  He cared enough to share his Happy with me and as I replied to him, that caused the Happy to become exponential.  I love this guy, can y'all tell? 

Because I love him, and appreciate him, I want the world to know about him.  I want people to discover the zany fun and shenaniganry he tosses about.  I want people to discover his incredibly beautiful photography and videos.  I want people to appreciate his agile mind, and his dedication to touching the world in a different manner.  You can find my friend, Zero, on his Facebook page, and on his website, where all of his artistic and literary endeavors come together in one location.

I am coining a new term, which I think he will enjoy - today he gave me a Zero Happy moment!  

In the Deep Blue

photo:  en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Water_drop,_single.jpg

I have been discussing meditation a lot lately.  With close friends, some whom I had no idea were devoted to the practice, as well as with new acquaintances.  I am a starter and stopper.  A drift away from it for a while, then come back to meditation with renewed enthusiasm kind of person.  For anyone who has meditated for even a short while, you know that it requires discipline.  The whole process is about discipline.  Focusing the body, staying still for a prescribed stretch of time, tuning the world out, focusing the mind, focusing the breath, and focusing the will to do all of the aforementioned.

The nature of meditation is to sit in silence and focus the mind.  This is when we are inevitably hit with "mind chatter".  Allowing each thought a moment of clarity and recognition, we then gently quiet that thought and come back to silence.  Each thought, in turn, is given its moment in the spotlight before we come back to mindfulness.  It's one of the most challenging devotions that can be embraced, in my opinion.  It's much easier to let the squirrel energy of all that mind chatter grab our attention and lead us far and wide from the original goal.

I have several friends who do active meditation where they listen to guided meditation recordings whilst doing some other activity such as exercising, house cleaning, etc.  I've tried that and I can see the beauty of combining activity with meditation, but I much prefer the sitting in silence method.  Occasionally I will listen to a guided meditation series, and I enjoy those because they allow a different type of relaxation and renewal.

What I tend to be drawn to the most is my own mental imagery.  From my earliest years of meditation, I've continually returned to the mental image of a deep blue pool where the occasional drop of water splashes down, creating a singular sound (in my head, I hear it as music - a clear single bell tone) and those lovely rippling eddies across the surface of the water.  If you can imagine being in a cave with a deep blue pool of water, and the cave being illuminated, that is the mental image that crops up the most when I meditate. The photo I shared above is a fair approximation of what I see in my mind's eye.

The single focus being the pool of water means there are no other distractions and my consciousness is narrowed to each droplet of water as it descends and bounces into the deep blue pool.  In my imagination, this cave is comfortably cool, clean and safe, and each droplet of water, and corresponding bell tone and beautiful ripple drops my consciousness deeper into the meditative state.

As I write this, it has been one of my lengthier stretches of time away from practicing daily meditation, and I find myself ready to embrace it again.  To step back into that mental imagery and focus on, and in the deep blue, and to greet that sense of Inner Peace that comes from opening up my full Self to the voice of the Divine.  It is the wee hours of the morning at the moment, but tomorrow will see me grabbing floor space to sit in meditation again.

Do these thoughts have a point?  They're my ruminations on something that has been a guiding force for much of my adult life.  Perhaps some of you reading this are fellow meditation devotees.  Some, myself included, see meditation as a different form of prayer and connecting to the God-Force.  I know that when I devote daily time to the practice of meditation, my daily existence is enriched.

And the most delightful part of this post?  It came about from a conversation with one of my dearest friends, who knows me better than most, and what I called a "good, old fashioned front porch talking to" where she helped me find some balance.  I have been wrestling with writer's block to a degree I rarely experience and couldn't find a way out of it to save my life.  It felt like I was trapped in a huge room with wet draperies hanging down that would twine about me every direction I turned, until I became immobilized.  The conversation with my dear friend cut the wet draperies and allowed my hands and mind a breathing space.  Directly on the heels of that huge inhale of fresh air came immediate inspiration for this post, and the urge to step back into focusing on the deep blue, allowing the rest of me to expand in awareness.

Holiday stages

*I wrote this original post in December 2009.  I find that as we move into the winter holidays, practically everyone that I speak with wrestles with some form of sadness. I thought it would be appropriate to revisit this post, as it helped many people when it was first published.*

From the title of this blog post, you may be expecting a happy story about a Christmas event or pageant, children on stage singing or dancing.  Instead, what you'll be reading about is dealing with grief during the holiday season.

It is a proven fact that around religious holidays, be it Christmas,  Hanukkah, Easter, etc., there is an increase in mortality rates.  The concept of mortality rates can be traced as far back into history as Babylonian times and the rule of King Hammurabi.  In our modern times, this translates into insurance companies creating their mortality charts.  As this became standard practice, there became occasional note in media that death rates increase around significant religious holidays.

Think for a moment, and doubtless, either you or someone you know has lost a beloved family member or friend around a religious holiday.  I fall into this category, having lost the person I consider to be my strongest father figure.  He was my Uncle, my Mom's eldest brother, the patriarch of our clan.  Several years ago, he passed from this life on Christmas Eve morning after a lengthy, brave battle with debilitating illness.  As the Christmas holidays draw near, I find, despite my best intentions, there are definitely moments of melancholy that visit my heart.  Small wonder that if I feel these moments, the rest of the world might be visited by similar feelings in relation to their own personal losses.

There are many schools of thought about reasons that so many souls choose a religious holiday as the time to release from their physical body and pass from this reality.  My own thoughts on this topic are very personal, with one of the thoughts being that our Souls recognize an increased energy around high holy days.  I have always thought that this increased energy might facilitate an individual in making the choice to release from their physical body.  The reasons are myriad, the theories about this are endless, and at the end of the day, they probably don't matter beyond the ability to comfort us in the midst of painful, sad moments.

I have no mysterious remedy for this, other than to give it voice.  We are all very accustomed to slapping on that bright, cheerful social mask to cover our roiling emotions.  It's the holiday season (or whatever other particular moment in life where sad memories surface), be happy, upbeat and positive!!!  Don't be sad about the loss of a loved one, for fear you might drag everyone else down around you!!  Right?!  We all feel obligated to project that facade so that we don't make others uncomfortable or sad right along with us.  It is obvious that this tendency to stuff down our emotions around significant holidays and/or anniversaries of losing a loved one makes dealing with these significant dates that much more challenging.  When, and why did we as a collective society decide that it makes more sense to paste a happy smile on our faces than to honor our true emotions? 

Strong emotions, especially those connected to loss, do make most people uncomfortable.  It hits too closely to home for everyone; if you're mourning the death of a loved one and you present those emotions outwardly, that in turn can trigger buried emotions in others.  It's just a human response, this triggering of fears and resistance, and the need to cover everything up with a neat, tidy, happy facade.  Another truth is that most of us don't deal with significant loss immediately and instantly. 

Most of us are familiar with the five stages of grief.  They are as follows:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Each person and each situation, each loss, is different regarding the manner in which these stages are processed.  For some, although I would think this is rare, the five stages are processed quickly and dealt with in a short amount of linear time.  For others, the process can take much longer, sometimes years.  Another point to make is that even after we have navigated our way through those stages, they can boomerang on us and creep back in unexpectedly, years later.  Anniversaries of loss are strong triggers.  What has always frustrated me is the medical mindset that after making our way through those five stages once, then it is all said and done, all bound up in an orderly bundle, case closed and door shut permanently.  I strongly disagree with that mindset.

Christmas, Hanukkah and the New Year, altogether, present a time when family and friendship is our focus, so of course sadness will lurk beneath the surface as we have wistful moments, missing those no longer here with us physically.  It is, therefore, not surprising that we'll sometimes feel sucker punched with sad moments.
 
Dealing with sad anniversaries is never easy.  What works for me might not work for you, but I can share my own process.  When I begin to feel those sad moments creeping in, the most important step that I take is to recognize it for what it is.  Life can be so hectic around the Christmas season that we don't pay enough attention to how we're honestly feeling.  We'll rush from one obligation and social function to the next, pushing the sad, bad, confused or angry emotions down until they finally expand and explode.  So, for my own mental and emotional health, I find it of paramount importance to stop and identify what I'm feeling.  It doesn't always come readily to mind for me either, because of course it's much easier to deny sadness and instead label it as being tired or grumpy or something much easier to ignore.

What I have learned over the years is that embracing the seemingly negative emotions does not equal failure of any type on a personal level.  The true failure, I feel, comes from denying what we feel and never allowing it to have enough of a voice for it to be processed.  So, I take time to look inward.  It isn't always pleasant, or easy, and rarely is it enjoyable.  It is, above all, vitally important.  I feel that in a way, it is a moment of Grace and tribute, when I stop, identify the reason for those melancholy moments and let myself feel what comes from within.  Grace, because I am honoring myself when I allow myself to grieve.  Tribute, because in recognizing these feelings, it gives me a moment to remember the person I loved deeply.  When I do open up to myself, the memories that I embrace are inexorably entwined with all the reasons I loved that person.  So, yes, sadness will be felt.  Many times the result is tears. Eventually, though, happier memories will also flood my mind and in a different manner, I will go through those five stages of grief all over again before coming to that moment of acceptance.

The inescapable truth is that when we lose someone we love, it is a life sentence.  We spend the rest of our lives learning how to cope, manage our lives and live without that person's physical presence.  That's the challenging part.  Just when we think we're doing really well, a holiday or anniversary will approach and cut us off at the knees.  Psychologists developed the five stages of grief to identify what we are feeling and where we are in relation to dealing with personal loss.  From that perspective, the concept is valid, but I honestly feel that it doesn't come to a definitive, full stop, ever.  I am not saying that we exist in sharp, raw grief permanently, nor would I suggest such a thing is healthy or prudent.  What I am trying to point out is that we do experience layers of grief, sadness and loss in sometimes unexpected ways at different times, for various reasons. As a result, we experience a micro-moment, often repeatedly, of those five stages.

In light of this, I think that kindness would be the word of the day. If you can step back from everything else that requires your attention and focus your attention on You, compassion and understanding are what you deserve when you are confronted with those unexpected holiday triggers, layers and stages of sadness.  You deserve kindness, and a few quiet moments to look clearly at what you are feeling.  Give it voice, allow yourself to feel, to remember, to cry; perhaps smile or laugh.  Then, when you feel ready, you will be able to gently tuck the memories back into a corner of your heart and mind that will allow you to move forward with strength, rather than sapping you of energy and enjoyment of the holiday season.  Remind yourself that these feelings will surface again, and recognize that this time, by embracing the moment with Grace and acceptance, you will possibly be able to achieve a more solid balance.

Talking about it with family or friends might be an integral part of this process; there are no hard and fast rules here.  Do what works best and feels right for you.  In talking with others, you may be surprised to find that you've opened the door up for them as well, to do some processing, sharing and healing of their own.

In closing, I wrestled with myself about posting this blog.  It is a highly personal and volatile subject, and perhaps not one many will want to contemplate in the midst of the holiday season. I was feeling sadness as the calendar approaches a personal anniversary date of loss, and for me, writing out the emotions and giving them voice was helpful and healing. I have no idea if what I have written and shared will be of a helpful nature to others, but I am going ahead with posting it.  Perhaps these words and thoughts will resonate with others out there and bring a moment of clarity and peace to their hearts as they realize they are not alone with what they are feeling.  Maybe the simple suggestion that yes, you will go through repeated, myriad experiences of those five stages will be a moment of epiphany for someone out there, allowing them to embrace kindness towards themselves as they process through that most current incarnation. 

If you have stayed with me through to the culmination of this particular post, whether it clicked with you on a personal level or not, you have my appreciation for spending time with me as I navigated through my own five holiday stages.  As a result, my heart is lighter and I have been able to move forward with a gladdened spirit to enjoy my Christmas.  Blessings to you all, this year, this holiday season.

Three Years

Today, September 25, 2012 is the three year anniversary for Healing Morning blog! I almost overlooked it, as today was a typically busy day.  I happened to scroll down and see the widget that tracks my blog-i-versary and sure enough, today was the big day!

Three years seems such a short time.  In some ways, I've lived many lifetimes in that short span.  I've met incredibly gifted blog writers and formed beautiful friendships.  The blogging world is vast, and I'm thrilled when I look at my blog stats and see that I have a truly global readership.  That phenomenon never ceases to  fascinate and amaze me, that people the world round follow my writing and look forward to my articles.

Writers write, just as musicians create music, artists create art, athletes achieve physical feats.  Each of us seek to express ourselves in our unique manner.  Secretly, we hope others will find our work pleasing and worthy of attention, yet many of us tend to squirm and wrestle with any large amount of recognition.

It's a curious thing, embracing a level of transparency with my writing.  I've said it over and over in these past three years, that when I write something that really exposes my true self, when I write something that pushes the envelope on a spiritual level and uncovers sides of me that up until that point had remained safely hidden and protected....those are the articles that always receive the strongest and most positive responses.  In becoming a blogger, I've learned to trust my gut instincts and bravely rip away layers of protection, walls that used to be high and thick.  I have grown in friendship and in self-knowledge and I expect that both of these will continue to flourish.

I find a sense of personal joy with my writing here.  Healing Morning is where I come to express random thoughts and concepts that don't fit into my business writing.  It is here that I give free rein to whimsy, to laughter, to tears, to strength, to weakness and every emotion that exists.  You who visit and take time to read my thoughts, and then go that extra step to leave wonderful comments - I wish I could find words to express how much I appreciate each of you.  You add to the experience of my writing, adding your unique strokes of color and brightness to the canvas that I paint with my words.

To each of you:

Namaste'....meaning,

"I honor the place within you where the entire Universe resides; I honor the place within you of love, of light, of truth, of peace; I honor the place within you, where, when you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, there is only one of us."

Thank you for visiting.  I look forward to celebrating many more years of writing, blogging and fellowship.

- Dawn

And the dance continues....

Photo:  www.splittree.org

"You need to blog about this, Dawn."

A good amount of inspiration for my blog posts here at Healing Morning come from conversations with friends.  The conversation from this week was a delicate one, dealing with the way that we react within the parameters of a personal relationship.  My comment to my girlfriend was that the majority of my life, I've been fairly calm, even-natured, and on an even keel.  This applied to me in past relationships, which is why the current situation I'm in regularly throws me for a loop!  I find myself....I said this in my last blog post....greeting myself in ways that I would never have predicted.  And in the process of figuring this out, conversations take place, and friends encourage me to write about the topic.  So, here I am, discussing this greeting of myself.

What does that mean....greeting myself?  It means discovering reactions and behaviors that literally stun me, because they're so dramatically opposite to what I have come to know of myself.  Relationships are crafty things with how they hold up a very clear mirror to show us who we are at our core.  And certain relationships, the really good ones...the ones that push us to grow, those are the ones that hold up the biggest, clearest mirrors.  Those are the ones that uncover heretofore hidden sides of us that really needed to be revealed.

What have I learned about myself most recently?  Well, one thing that wasn't new is still there.  I have a stubborn side that kicks in strongly.  But that's not something that I'm learning from.  Instead, the surprising areas are the ones that are Ego driven....and that are seated in Fear.  I have watched myself in the last several months of being around this new person.  So much of the experiences are wonderful.  Fun, exciting, new, touching.  But along with all of that newness and excitement comes Fear.  We can't escape it.  It's part and parcel of allowing that new person to get close to us on that elemental level.  THAT part is not fun.  Not to me.  It means I have to allow myself, and even force myself to be vulnerable.

It also means I have to force myself to be strong.  I'm a Fixer.  I want the whole wide world to be happy and content.  And I will sacrifice my own well-being to make sure others are happy first.  That's not healthy, as I'm sure any of you reading this are thinking.  I agree with you.  It's a very big fault that I've been working on most of my life.  That's where forcing myself to be strong comes in.  That's where I have to stand up for myself and establish boundaries.  That's where I have to honor myself and insist on mutual respect.  Sounds easy, yes?  Well, it's seriously challenging on any given day for me!  Downright painful at times, I admit it. Boundaries and establishing them in a fair manner within a relationship is something I am still learning.

So, as I grow in response to this new person in my orbit, I am discovering some traits that have lain dormant for most of my life. And they are rarely attractive traits. My stubborn side usually brings them kicking to life and then things come out of my mouth that catch me off guard.  Did I really just say that?!  Have I always felt that way?!  Where the heck did that come from?!  I learned many years ago that when I react with instant anger or defensiveness, that's a spot that needs some digging into.  Because the reflexive anger and defensiveness are hiding a long covered wound.

I tend to be more inwardly focused than some.  From a very early age, I noticed negative cycles that existed within my family dynamic.  Those cycles caused a great deal of pain to everyone, and I was determined to find a way to break those cycles.  I began to research and investigate and study.  I found out why we repeat patterns of an emotional content.  I found out why we attract the same types of people over and over.  And I learned my own patterns.  You'd think this much research and educating of self would produce a woman who has it all together, yes?  Nope.  I'm as human as the rest of the world and I'm not ashamed to say I've spent many a year bumbling my way through relationships.  I also admit that I found a level of security and safety in studying the clinical aspect of emotions.  That gave me distance and I didn't have to engage on those levels as much.  But that sneaky organ, my heart, was always there and I wasn't immune to the trials and tribulations of love.

I won't bore you all with my personal relationship history.  My point here, today, is to focus on the fact that when we react violently....in fear, anger, defensiveness or any other negative emotion, that is hiding something crucial to our emotional growth.  We can ignore it and continue to stay rooted in those old patterns, but I've never been a proponent of hiding from the obvious once it jumps up and bites me on the nose.  Once something becomes clear to me on a personal level that oh, wow, THAT was an extreme reaction, Dawn, then it's time to do some hard work.  I start sifting through the layers until I reach what I feel is the core of that specific fear.  It's not pleasant sometimes, but the more I do it, the more I learn about myself, and the easier it is for me to process through the emotions and the realizations.  When I'm given a safe environment and an understanding person to bounce these realizations off of, I am able to jettison the behaviors that are fear laden and unnecessary.  It is surprisingly simple, once you take that deep breath and plunge inward.  It's sometimes messy, because those hidden, old wounds can be nasty to confront, but as with anything, the first step is the most scary.  With repetition, it becomes easier and more efficient.

I'm very fortunate with this new person in that there is a support, a lack of judgment, and a level of curiosity to listen when I work my way through the why's of my sometimes surprising reactions.  He might not always agree, or see things the way that I do, but he listens and respects the conclusions I come to.  Often, he offers insights that flip a new light bulb of clarity on over my fair head.  That's rare and I am quite aware that I'm lucky to meet this person.  Something that is somewhat humorous is when I think I've behaved in a very over the top, borderline unacceptable manner, I am regularly told that no, that moment hadn't really made that much of a blip on his radar.  Well, huh.  That's when I have to laugh at how overly seriously I tend to take myself!  It's new stuff to me, on an emotional level in relationship with this other person, so it feels large and overwhelming.  Sometimes it IS large, but a great deal of the time, it really isn't.  I'm learning that as well, that it's not all huge, scary and insurmountable.  Much of it is small and easily dispatched, but it does require effort and looking oneself in the eye with absolute honesty.

So, it's a journey, this process of growing in respect to allowing someone close.  Close to the heart.  Close enough to matter.  Close enough to hurt.  All of those have happened.  I expect more of the same will happen over time, as it's the ones who matter the most who can hurt us the most.  Perhaps not intentionally, but that's the power we place in that other person's hands when we open up our heart.  The key part to remember is that they're allowing us the same power in return.  I think we forget that important part; I know I do.  I have another girlfriend who constantly reminds me that I'm not the only one who has uncertainties, doubts and insecurities.  Men are chock full of the same whirling emotions as women; they just tend to store them away in a different manner than we do.

I'm learning that I've had some hidden traits that aren't pretty.  Some of them have truly surprised me.  I was rigid and inflexible in some areas that were downright unrealistic, but they hadn't ever been triggered before.  I had to live the experiences first, before I knew they existed in my psyche. Then I could address them and decide whether they served a good purpose.  Usually, they didn't.  Another thing that I've been fortunate in has been that this person is giving me not only what I call that Soft Place to Fall when things are sad, bad or scary, but this person is giving me an equal amount of respect and allowing me to express anger and frustration, doubts and other negative emotions.  That's a new experience for me.  Being allowed to express genuine, valid negative emotions freely has been a very new, slightly uncomfortable thing, but ultimately, it has been freeing.  I'm being given freedom to express anger!  I'm being given space to be irritated and irritable.  And I'm still accepted and appreciated at the end of the day.  Again....huh.  What a concept.  What an experience, this process of being in a truly adult exchange where respect is given and received.

Another big truth is that in the process of addressing these once dormant traits that pop up, I don't always express myself in the best way, the first time.  The first time of giving it voice, I almost always say it in a way, that to my ears, is too forward, too harsh or demanding.  I hate that!!  It happens because those wounds are created in our childhood, and when they get dredged back up, we tend to emote and give them voice from that same emotional age where they were inflicted.  I.e, we come across as though we're throwing a tantrum of sorts.  But I learn from it, and I consciously shift my emotional awareness into adult mentality. As I learn, I shear off the rough edges of this new discovery and I shape what remains into a mature strength and a Life Skill.  A new tool that does serve a good purpose.

In time, I hope that I'll find a way to give these new discoveries a softer presentation, but for now, they don't always come out that way.  In some ways, I'm like a newborn foal finding her feet, wobbling about and staggering before my knees lock and I stand straight.  And I'm learning that even when I do present this new knowledge with more volume than necessary, the sky doesn't fall.  I also learn more about myself and that other person as a result.  I've said it over and over - the way we choose to react to a given set of circumstances is how we define ourselves to the world.

The Persian poet-philosopher, Rumi, constantly captures my heart and imagination with his thoughts, written hundreds of years past.  This quote applies to today's post:

Don't look for me in a human shape,
I am inside your looking.

I'm finding that Universal Truth that this new person is mirroring the Me that I've worked so hard to become.  Things are far from perfect with this new experience, mind you.  There are challenges all over the place, and we're both doing that awkward dance that people do as they learn one another. Plus, what's life without a little drama?  I would rather live out loud in bright splashes of color than drudge along, cloaked in muffling shades of gray.

We're learning a new language, in effect.  The way we each express ourselves, the way we each react emotionally, our senses of humor, our intellect....all of that creates a language unique to us that the other has to learn.  And as we learn that other person in all their depth and glory, we get triggered in surprising emotional ways.  We react in ways that shock us and that other person.  If we're lucky, that other person finds our own depths and glory to be worth the stumbles, fumbles and outright flubs, and they stick around to see what will happen next.  They embrace us for who we are and they ask the same of us.  And the dance continues.....

Snow paws

Photo:  www.wix.com

Change.  New experiences.  New people coming into our lives that perforce cause changes.  Many people love change!  I am not one of them, although it is an experience that I weather with much more Grace these days than I used to.  I'm good with it in my work environment and with my career; in fact, I actively pursue growth and change at that level.  I call it my Low Boredom Threshold and it keeps me pretty driven in that part of my life.

When it comes to personal areas, home life, relationships, heck no!  I tend to want to immediately dig my heels in.  Or, for those of you who grew up on Saturday morning cartoons, picture Bugs Bunny when someone is trying to force him through a door and all four paws cling tenaciously to the doorway.  Yep, that's me.  Wanting to hold on to the familiar with a vengeance.  I've gotten better with this as I've grown older, and I tend to joke about the degree of it I embrace these days.  Time has a way of whittling those rough edges away, after all.  But I admit I do still want to cling to the doorway at times.

I was talking with one of my dear sister-friends recently about this very thing and how I tend to react emotionally regarding very personal interaction.  This was what I shared:

You know what mental image I keep getting of myself?  I had this sweet Australian Shepherd dog named Kobay.  The first snow we had the first year I had her, she hid in her house.  I had to coax her out.  Sloooowly, she came out, but with each step, she lifted her paw, looked at it, shook it a bit to get rid of that foreign snow stuff, then looked at me, as though to say, "Eeeuuww. MOM!  That's new stuff. I don't LIKE it.  Make it go away!"

I.e.,  New.  Different.  Scary. Uncomfortable.  So, I'm doing the "get the snow off my paws" dance.

Does this sound familiar to any of you?   I actually find it rather humorous, the mental image, because it's an apt analogy for what I sometimes do.  Not always, and less and less as I grow into myself in an authentic manner, but it does happen, that old knee jerk reaction.  And yes, I admit I really do start to react that way at times when someone gets very close to me on an intimate emotional level.  That's scary stuff, after all!  It means that awful word, "vulnerability", is in the mix.  Well, quelle horror, shock and shudders!  WHO in their right mind enjoys being vulnerable?!  Certainly not I.  Mind you, I stop the behavior in its tracks when I recognize it starting to slip in, and that's what we're talking about here today.

The prequel post to this one would be "What do you do when" 5/22/2012, Healing Morning.  I recently experienced that moment of breath suspended and I let myself feel the feelings.  That took a while, took some pondering, took some allowing, took some releasing, took some growing and most assuredly, took some shifting and changing of Self.

Was it easy?  In some ways, yes.  We each have the option of making life experiences easy or difficult. Sometimes the emotions churn so hot and bright that we get distracted into thinking it has to be difficult and painful.  That's fear talking, of course.  It doesn't have to be anything, really.  Which is where that "just feel" part comes in.  When we do that, when we just feel, no turmoil need be experienced.  No fighting or grappling need be necessary.  They're feelings and they're meant to be felt!  What a concept, hmm??  Yet we spend a LOT of time, we humans, doing what another friend called "the high stepping freaky dance" when it comes to emotional stuff.  I call it the Snow Paw Dance, but it's basically the same thing.

My paws felt all weird and strange with that new stuff clinging to them and I wanted it to STOP RIGHT NOW.  I spent some time lifting each paw and attempting to shake that new stuff off, but it didn't work.  That new stuff is meant to cling to our paws and make an impression.  It forces us to feel the feelings, which is what is supposed to happen.  *sigh*  I know....if you're like me, you're thinking, "Really??  Are you SURE it's supposed to happen?  It feels strange.  I could be just as happy avoiding it."  That's my inner 5 year old speaking, or my inner puppy with snow paws, perhaps, and I don't indulge that knee jerk fear reaction for long.  I take a moment to recognize it and acknowledge the very human and understandable fear reaction, then I get down to the business of growth, learning and stretching my horizons.

This time when I got Snow Paw reaction, I was smart enough to chat with a friend and process the whole thing.  Luckily, I chose someone who doesn't cut me any slack and who kicks my booty (with love) when necessary.  Actually, she calls it yanking my tail to pull me down out of the tree I climbed up.  You know how kittens will do that, climb waaaay up high in a tree, realize just how high up they are, then start crying because they can't figure out how to get themselves down?  That's another analogy for what I was doing.  I got snow on my paws and I shot right up a tree to get away from it!  Then I needed a bit of an assist to get back down the tree, hence my sister-friend yanking my tail.

So, here I am, back on the ground.  As I look around me, the snow has melted and I think it's not so overwhelming to be here as was initially felt.  My paws might still be a wee wet and uncomfortable, but I'm back on the ground and I'm walking around in those feelings, getting used to the fit of them.  How do they feel?  New.  Different.  Scary.  Uncomfortable.  But there's also potential for them to become beyond comfortable and lovely.  If I let them, they can become one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced.

I'm going to stay here a while, I think.  Wet snow paws require some extra attention and personal grooming, after all.  In the process, I'm going to grow.  I can already see and feel that occurring.  Those who know me well are aware that I normally adore winter weather and snow.  It's when it hits out of season that it can throw a person off kilter a bit, but that's okay, because....

Snow out of season is one of the most spectacular experiences we can have.  

My purpose is ___________.

Photo:  www.creepypasta.wikia.com

My talented friend, Tameka Mullins (Lyric Fire blog) posted this today on her Facebook page:

My purpose is _____________.

She shared her own impression of her raison d'etre in a beautiful manner and I loved the concept.  I dashed off my own reply:

Good question! To write. To love. To recognize the beauty in those around me and give them a shining mirror to see their own beauty. To remember that my words have power and as such, to use them mindfully. To share my heart in an authentic manner. To see those obscure yet breathtaking moments around me and scribe them, painting them onto paper. I do much of this via the medium of writing, but I also do it by simply being Me.  - SDS 1/29/2012

I was immediately struck by the thought that this would make a fun blog post, so I zipped off an inquiry and request to Tameka to use her idea here.  She like the idea and here I am, tapping away at my keyboard.

It's an interesting, thought provoking question, yes?  My purpose is ______________.  The fascinating thing is that at any given moment, our answer can and probably does change.  We change from moment to moment, after all.  With each breath, there is potential for a new experience that will shape and change us.

If I had to boil it all down to an inclusive, all encompassing thought, I would automatically say that my purpose is to write.  That's why it was my first response above.  Writing is such an intrinsic part of my nature that it touches literally every part of my life.  I write as a vocation, to make a regular living, and I write as an avocation, to please myself and satisfy my need to create.

Probably the other purpose that didn't occur to me when I dashed off my response above is another simple one:  To grow.

That's why we're here on this Earth School, after all.  To grow.  To learn.  To mature.  To become that better version of ourselves on a daily basis.  We do this by trying, failing, succeeding.  We try on different hats to see how they suit us in myriad applications - relationships, careers, creative pursuits, healthy ambitions, places to live and travel.  The list is endless.

Tameka's Facebook post gave me an immediate and entertaining challenge and I responded with a stream of consciousness flow of words.  Usually when we do that type of writing, it is as visceral and truthful a response as you can achieve.  So, in an interesting manner, I gave myself that same mirror that I mentioned in my own comment.  I recognized some things about myself of which I am already cognizant and comfortable.  When I read my words back, I smiled, because the picture painted was that perfect fit.

There have been times when I have engaged in similar writing exercises when the resulting picture wasn't as perfect a fit.  There is value in that very thing, being confronted with thoughts that we didn't realize we espoused until challenged to give them voice.  I've grown dramatically from such experiences.

Today's exercise was lighthearted, effortless and fun.  Tameka's delightful response further in her thread was:

Wow, Dawn! What a beautiful purpose you have! You give good purpose! LOL!

Isn't that the BEST comment that she made?  "You give good purpose."  I think this belongs on a t-shirt, similar to the one posted above.  I know I'd certainly buy it and wear it!

Why not take a few minutes and play this game with Tameka and I?  Empty your mind, take a deep breath and just write.  Don't over think it.  Just let the words flow until you feel it is finished.  Then read your words back and see what you learn about yourself.  If you're so inclined, share here with us - I think it will be a fun experience for all of us.

I also encourage you to click the link for Tameka's wonderful blog, Lyric Fire and experience her writing.  She is wonderfully talented and I enjoy myself every time I pay her a visit.  Tameka, thank you for the inspiration for this post!

Astonishing light

Photo:  www.messagenote.com

It was a small thing, really.  Just a quick glance, a social smile shared between strangers walking into a building.  He politely held the door in a gentlemanly manner, allowing me to precede him inside. Yet something about him seemed sad to me.  We separated in the foyer of the building, going in opposite directions.  I accomplished the business that I came there to do and walked back outside.

It was a stultifying, hot summer day.  We were in the grip of a killing heat wave and drought at the time, so I wasn't inclined to linger in the parking lot.  Yet, I did linger.  I glanced about and noticed an ornamental park with benches in the shade.  I can't explain why I chose to walk in that direction and sit on one of those benches, but I did it.  The heat was oppressive, so much that not even the wildlife seemed to have the energy to make accustomed nature sounds.  It was quiet in the manner only a humid summer day can be.

Perhaps five minutes after I sat down, steps approached and paused, causing me to look up.  It was the man with the sad eyes, holding two frosty bottles of water.

"Can I join you?" 

I smiled and nodded, and he offered me one of those bottles of water.

"I saw you through the foyer window and thought something cold might be appreciated," he said.

I accepted the kind gesture and we began to chat.  I could tell something was beneath the surface causing his eyes to look sad, but I didn't probe or press.  He was kind and cordial, and the conversation was pleasant.  We discovered a few things in common, discussed the local area, and drank our cold water in the shade, sitting on that park bench.  It occurred to me that I had snacks in my purse and I pulled out two packages of those cheese crackers with peanut butter.  When I offered him one, he appeared to be delighted.

"A feast!" was his comment.  We munched in companionable silence.  Another several minutes passed, with more conversation.

Finally, he looked at me with a very serious expression.

"Today, I was going to go home and turn the gas stove on in my kitchen, blow out the pilot light and let nature take its course.  I felt that I had no other choice.  I went into that building to visit my lawyer and make sure all my legal papers were in order so that my family would be taken care of."

This was the cause of the sadness behind his eyes.  I knew that whatever was happening in his life, I was not qualified to counsel him properly and I said as much.  He smiled, shook his head and placed a hand over my own.

"You're imminently qualified, young lady.  There's a light about you.  A brightness in your smile that you shared with me when we both walked into that building.  You didn't have to even look at me, but you took a moment to acknowledge me...and really SEE me.  It mattered, and I wanted to thank you.  I was hoping I would see you before you left that building.  And somehow, I got lucky."

We talked some more, and he revealed that his business had failed due to the lagging economy.  His house went into foreclosure and he wasn't able to continue to pay for his two kids' college tuition.  I didn't have a lot of advice to offer; mostly, I just listened.  He was a lovely man. Clearly intelligent, well spoken, obviously very well mannered, and just as obviously tormented on a very elemental level.  We did not know one another at all, save for that unexpected meeting at the front door of an office building, and a shared impromptu drink and snack on a park bench.  For me, it was a moment to simply be there for another person who was troubled.  I never once felt uncomfortable, or pressed to create a miracle.  I didn't have that  power.  This man's life was in an admittedly challenging place.  I doubted seriously that anything I could offer could make much of a difference.  What I did know was that listening was something I could do.  So, that's what I did.

We lingered there for about 90 minutes, in that humid summer day.  I refrained from using the word "should" in any part of that conversation, simply because I strongly felt that he didn't need to hear what I thought he should do.  I figured he had probably heard many "you should's" as he struggled to cope with the challenges in his life.  I did ask him to seek some form of counseling, because the thought of this very kind man ending his life alone, defeated and sad was heart breaking.  I also asked him to take my phone number and promise me that he would text me, at the very least, for the next five days, so that I knew he hadn't given in to the temptation of his earlier plan to end his life.  He agreed to this request.

Eventually, our conversation ended.  We sat in silence and he finally looked at me and smiled again.  To my eyes, it appeared that the sadness had eased somewhat behind his eyes.

He stood and offered a firm handshake, then gathered the debris of our water bottles and snack wrappers.  He took them to a garbage can, then returned to walk with me towards our cars in the parking lot.

I wanted to hug him, but refrained because I didn't want to presume or cause any awkwardness.  We stopped at my car and I smiled and reminded him of his promise to text me for five days.

"I will do that.  In return, I want you to promise me that if a day hits for you in the future where you feel sad, or defeated, or that you're not making a mark on the world, promise me that you'll call me.  Maybe then I can return the favor.  You made a difference today, and you did it with a smile and being a genuinely beautiful person.  God bless you."

And with that, he put a hand briefly on my shoulder, then he walked away to his own car.  In the proceeding five days, I received a single text each day that said, simply, "I'm still here."  On the sixth day, the text that came said, "I'm smiling again."

These days, he occasionally sends a random text, and we have developed a friendship that is solid.  I have met his family; his children are now back in college, and he and his wife are in a stable living situation.  He is in a different career and seems to be recovering well.

Why am I relating this story?  I don't know.  I actually thought that I would never share it on a public level.  I never felt it was my story to reveal.  And for the most part, I remain devoted to protecting this friend's privacy by not giving his name or any other personal information.  The other day, I read a quote on Facebook that has always been one of my favorites.  It was on my sidebar on my Facebook page and it was from the "On this day in 2010, this was your status..." section.

This is what my status was on that day in 2010:

I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being. - Hafiz

Obviously, I found that quote to be beautiful when I posted it to my Facebook wall in 2010, and when I saw the repeat post on my sidebar, I was prompted to share this story.  I posted the quote again on my Facebook wall, and added this comment:

*How's that for a good reminder of our own beauty?* 

I didn't have any special skills, or any magical answers for this gentleman that I met unexpectedly that summer day.  Something...a set of circumstances...brought us together and I was led to take the steps that I did.  Happily, they resulted in a positive outcome, with not only this man choosing a different outcome, but with a genuine friendship that continues to this day.  The above Hafiz quote was a good reminder to me that many times, we're given chances to make a difference.  And sometimes, that difference can occur just from sharing that "astonishing light of our own being".  Sometimes, many times, that alone is more than enough to make a profound difference.

Look me in the eyes

Photo courtesy of Aglet Photography

Eye contact.  I wrote a short blurb about this in a recent blog post.  I did that because I had had the subject on my mind for several days.  It had me pondering and as I said to another friend, when I start thinking, the inevitable outcome is that I start writing.

We all know the old saying that the eyes are the window to the Soul.  I agree with this 100%.  Each of us is different in the manner that we connect with others.  For some of us, making and maintaining eye contact is simple.  Just something that you do.  For others, it is a challenge, and something to be avoided at all costs.  This is a protective mechanism, and usually happens for good reason.  If you delve deeply enough with those who are careful with making eye contact, you will find a lot of trust issues beneath the surface, married to a lot of painful experiences.

I think everyone has heard the old axiom that "the eyes are the window to the soul".  Most of us will agree that people who don't make significant eye contact impart a less than trustworthy vibe.  This is a snap judgment, of course, and may be an unfair one, depending upon the situation and the individual.

For me, eye contact is important.  In every relationship that I have, I want that strong connection to be there.  Friendship, family, business connections, as well as more intimate relationships - all need to have that level of connection, trust and the sense that you are being seen, being heard, and being embraced.

Gazing wordlessly into one another's eyes.  That is profound.  The wordless part is usually what causes people to become skittish and glance away.  When you meet a person who doesn't do this, who engages in that gaze without flinching, this is an incredible moment.  Thoughts wash through the mind, emotions are triggered, and a sense of being the very center of that person's immediate world exists.  Pretty powerful stuff!  This creates a level of willing, intentional vulnerability, meaning that you allow yourself to become vulnerable in that moment and with that other person. It also creates a bond, that wordless moment, that is indefinable.  And really, definitions aren't always necessary.

That experience, that wordless gaze, is a microcosmic moment that doesn't require anything else.  Fleeting, yes.  But with lasting impact.  Moments such as these can be a catalyst.  From one moment to the next, the world changes. Perhaps not in an earth shaking, cataclysmic manner, but change does occur.  And thinking follows.  Pondering, absorbing, reflecting.  All from one long, quiet shared look between two sets of eyes.

We each have those experiences that we remember as being a turning point.  Something occurred to stop time, briefly, with enough dramatic force that you felt the shift as a tangible instant.  Your own personal earthquake, where those emotional tectonic plates were rearranged, permanently.  From a glance, you ask?  Yes, for me, from a glance.  Well, a look is more to the point, as a glance is of short duration.  Maybe a new word needs to be created for that long, steady, quiet, powerful exchange.  "Staring" doesn't fit, as it robs the experience of depth and warmth.

Whatever label you choose to apply, there is great value in giving yourself to such a moment.  Looking into another person's eyes for long, long moments with no words, no nerves, no agenda, and no reserve is profound.

This was the thought in my last Grasshopper Thoughts post (Grasshopper Thoughts, Vol. V, August 2011) that prompted this blog article:

Look me in the eyes when we're together.  During conversation, during quiet moments, just a glance is sometimes enough; other times, a long and meaningful moment is profound....show me who you are in this way, and I will do the same. - SDS, August 2011

Mirrored affirmation

Photo:  www.invitinghome.com

I have a dear friend that I think I have loved more moments than I can count through the mists of time.  We don't often get the chance to spend large blocks of time together these days, as life is hectic and family, work and responsibilities cut into leisure time.  This week, we were lucky to connect and spend a good portion of a whole day together and it was just sublime.

This girl is someone that I trust implicitly.  She's a true heart friend in those indefinable ways that build a solid friendship. We've found over the years that we either tend to mirror experiences in our respective lives, or one of us is just completing a cycling of an experience that the other is just embarking upon.  In this way, this reflection provides guidance and a sounding board for both of us, when we have sufficient time to spend together and really get caught up.

Our recent afternoon and evening was that proverbial breath of fresh air for me.  We played, which is always good for the Soul.  We saw a theatrical production that some friends both acted in and directed, then we had a late meal and stayed downtown to watch another theatrical production on Knoxville's Market Square.  In between all of this, we shared what we had both been doing since we were last together.  Much time had passed since then, so there was a great deal to cover, and cover it, we did.

She is in a truly good place in her life.  Settled, with someone she loves, her work life is growing and prospering and she carries that special glow that one does when everything is falling into place in Divine Order. Knowing her as I do, I was so happy to see her this happy, calm and peaceful....both inside and out.

The even greater beauty of it all was that she became a mirror for me.  This time, she is finishing this particular cycle....or rather, she is sojourning it....ahead of me.  Listening to her words and description of the steps, the decisions, the emotional healing she processed to get herself to that higher, more level place of allowing....it gave me that mirror.  That road map or template of sorts.  Because I am not that far behind her on a similar path, everything she was sharing was resonating brightly for me.  I could see the logical steps she had taken, hear the wisdom in her choices and actions, and absorb the clear outcome.  She is happy.

This reflection she gave me instilled hope in a new way for me.  Mind you, it is never difficult for me to focus on positives.  I tend to be a fairly sunny natured individual, and prefer to focus on those good, happy, uplifting moments.  That being said, I flounder like everyone else when it comes to personal dreams, hopes and wishes.  We are all so adept at getting in our own way for these goals, and I am no different.  I do have conscious intent, however, to be fully, mindfully engaged in my own growth.  What a lovely thing when I am given a gift of recognizing that this growth need not be so onerous, challenging or difficult!

Spending time with someone that I truly love and enjoy was the first gift.  Nothing polishes up the heart more than that type of interaction, basking in the sheer enjoyment of someone dear to you.  The second gift was being shown that reflection....that example that, "Look, this is how I did it, and it worked out beautifully."  Sometimes the strongest lessons don't have to be imparted through bloody struggle and painful experiences. They can be, but I don't think it's necessary 100% of the time.  What can be better than to witness someone a few steps ahead of you on a similar path, charting and negotiating their journey with determination, conscious application of intent and relative ease so that you may mirror their actions and experience a similar manifestation of ease?

Mirrors reflect.  That is their purpose.  We can choose to see through a warped lens and intentionally misread that reflection, or we can choose to gaze with clear eyes at the image.  That's my choice, gazing clearly, and engaging with purpose.  And the best part of this conscious process is that a day spent with someone I love gave me a mirrored confirmation and affirmation for where my own life is heading.  In her happiness, I see a reflection of possibilities, and I embrace them.

Partly sleeping

Photo - www.senelfy.deviantart.com

Have you ever had the sense that after some unexpected experience hits your personal horizon, you look back and realize that part of you had been sleeping up until that moment?  I have reflected on this for years.  It has happened to me countless times and never fails to capture my attention with each new occurrence.

A simple analogy would be when you buy a new car and suddenly you see that same model, same color car everywhere you go.  Prior to purchasing that new vehicle, you never before noticed so many of the same car everywhere you traveled.  Your eyes and your consciousness have been newly awakened to that recognition, where before, part of you had been sleeping.

This holds true with endless layers of who we are, where our lives are heading, where we have been.  When a new person comes into our lives, and love occurs, we are stunned that we lived our whole lives without that love up until that meeting. This applies to friendship, to family and to intimate love, as well as to new experiences, studies, dreams, etc.  It is almost beyond acceptance, once the love is realized, to ken how we survived without it for so long.  Our heart was partly sleeping, waiting for that arrival of that person or that experience to wake up that spot that was reserved exclusively for them/it.

Talents lie partly sleeping also.  Sometimes they awaken with a jarring crash, startling us with the all consuming need to dive in and embrace the newness, turn it in our hands and make a mark on the world with it.  Other times, those talents are merely dormant, waiting for occasional awakening.  This happens for me with various artistic endeavors.  I can go for months at a time without any need to be creative beyond my daily writing.  Then something happens to awaken the partly sleeping Muse and I hit a frenzy of creativity, producing a wide range of artistic expressions.

To me, it is an endless joy to discover something new to love....about myself, and about the people around me.  Relationships are rarely static, and even in strife, we learn and grow.  Areas that had been partly sleeping within the context of relationships are regularly nudged awake.  We are never truly allowed to rest smugly on our laurels in that regard, and I see that as a positive.  Complacency hasn't ever been a behavior that I embrace.  I tend to be very active about communication so that all parties concerned can be clear and present with one another.  I fail at this, sometimes rather spectacularly, but the intent is always to be present and aware.  Because of this, I find that I am also equally aware when an area that had been partly sleeping suddenly awakens.  For me, it is a tangible thing, something I can physically sense and feel stirring.  I do my best to pay attention to that stirring, so that I recognize it for what it is.  It's when I ignore the sensation that I tend to bump my toes a wee bit, so I do my best to be mindful.

Recently, in perhaps the past six months, I've had a whole slew of partly sleeping areas come to full wakefulness.  These awakenings have spanned a wide range of experiences and relationships, some providing challenges to overcome, and all of them broadening my sense of Self and growing those newly awakened spots in my heart.  I have a fanciful image in my mind's eye of early morning hush coming softly awake, birds beginning to chirp, dew glistening on grass, trees and flowers in a private meadow that exists uniquely for my Soul to process these occurrences.  Oddly, this same meadow is a place I visit when I meditate, so who is to say it doesn't exist in some metaphysical manner.  The awakening of partly sleeping facets is the important thing to experience, to be aware of as it occurs.  I've never been a proponent of walking through life in an unconscious manner, so this awakening process is one that I enjoy.  I learn so much about myself as a result.  I've spoken about that endless refining of Self, of Soul, that we do on a daily basis.  The concept I am speaking of here, of "partly sleeping" is just a metaphor for that daily growth we all experience.

The world is largely expansive, rather than contractive, and so are we as people.  We are here to grow and learn, to push boundaries and embrace new experiences.  With that in mind, I imagine that we are gifted with endless ability to expand as yet unknown partly sleeping facets.  Traits, experiences, thoughts, loves and more.  It is a satisfying thought to me, because it means we are never truly finished.  We never learn it all, never experience it all....and at the heart of this thought is Love.

Through the waxing and waning, the ebb and flow of every experience, Love is the vital force at work.  Sometimes it lies sleeping for years before the awakening occurs, but that space for that particular love...be it a person, a place or an experience...that space was always there, inside us, waiting for that awakening.  We drift from one awakening to the next, continually learning.  And the beauty is that there will always be another moment when something that was partly sleeping is nudged, gently or urgently, to come alive and take full occupancy of that space in our hearts. I just really like that.

Silence is near

Leonardo da Vinci's
Head of a Woman

I don't know if every writer is also a poet, or if every poet is a writer.  I know that I consider myself to be both, as my Muse visits and sometimes decides to manifest in a manuscript, and sometimes the words come out in poetic format.

I rarely publish my poetry, as the majority of it is very personal.  A dear friend recently posted some of her own poetry on her blog after a long spell of being wordless.  Some of the comments that ensued about her poetry struck me as very profound, in that she mentioned poetry, for her, is usually grounded in difficult emotional moments.  In the last couple of months, I've shared some of my own poetry with a small number of writing friends which has resulted in every single one of them urging me to begin publishing my poetry here on Healing Morning.  I was hesitant, because as with Jane Prater Haislip whom I mentioned above, some of my poetry was written in very trying emotional moments.  My hesitance was that if I shared my poetry, people would automatically read some of the darker content and misinterpret where I am emotionally today.  Where I am today, by the way, is a very happy emotional place.  That being said, I've noticed repetition kicking in about poetry all around me.  When repetition strikes often about the same subject, that's a Divine nudge, in my opinion.  So, I have decided to take a leap of faith and share some of my poetry here.  

The poem below was written several years ago during one of the most painful emotional moments of my life.  I won't go into details; I will just say that this poem flowed from an inestimable place that at the time seemed to be an endless well of sadness and grief.  Because those emotions do seem to prompt the poetry Muse, I gave the emotions voice and identified the pain in the figure of Silence.  I've written in the past about grief, and I continue to find it a very important topic that is sometimes....often...swept under the proverbial rug. Grief in its raw form is primal, and that makes many uncomfortable.  I believe it is important and healthy to process these emotions.  In sharing this poem with friends recently, many said that they felt this one would be of help to others in their own grieving process.  This is why I chose it as my first poetry post.

Silence is near

I can hear the beating of my heart

the quiet closing in on me
pressing near with palpable force

Silence waits patiently

in the darkness, anticipating
my utter desolation

the incredible feeling of absence
it lingers with a bitter taste

jeering cruelly

ripping the breath from me
a heart punch

dancing gleefully in my agony
leaving me…

…bereft

my mouth open in a soundless scream
stripped bare
robbed of who I am

stark in the violence of loss

Silence smugly waits

witnessing
the empty shell of me

alone
no comforting touch of strong arms

no earthy smell of skin
no taste on my tongue to soothe

depths of despair
wrenching

scraping nerves already shredded and raw
digging without remorse

to reveal abandonment

Silence waits patiently
to enfold my shattered remains

wrapping me up

Turn your face away from the light

Dance with me here


I am so close to your love…am I not?
Mocking you with a shadow of sweetness

the shell of memories…a pitiful thing

the soft icy sound of her mad laughter echoes
insistent
in the chasm of my broken soul

the one sad note detected
is that of the two of us weeping

Silence waits patiently
hovering in the fractures of me

her touch a magnificent isolation

In your moment of blank emptiness

Only I remain to greet you

Despite the very sad tone of this poem, I feel it is one of the best pieces I have ever written. I remember writing it in one sitting, perhaps it took ten minutes, total, to write it. The sharp pain of grief poured out of my hands into the words, and I remember that for a short while, that night, I finally slept for the first time in days. It wasn't the beginning of healing, that moment, but it was a brief respite from the crushing pain I was experiencing. As I mentioned above, I am now recovered from that sad time in my past, and very happy. If, however, my writing in any form - be it blogging, poetry, a manuscript or a magazine article - can help someone who is in that first razor sharp stage of grief to feel not so alone, then it will be worth the uncertainty of baring my own grief to the eyes of the blogging world.

I am hopeful that people will read this and find something worthwhile to take from it. I believe that Silence has visited us all, numerous times, in her sad, slightly crazed form. Grief does throw us into a maelstrom of what I call "spiritual insanity" for a time. Eventually, that eases and we begin to heal. In my mind's eye, Silence absorbs those terrible emotions, the ones simply too horrific for us to bear, and she becomes our solace. In my own soft, sensitive heart, as fanciful as it may sound, I hope there is a place for her to turn to as well, after she absorbs those emotions.


Grief is necessary. We all know this. Without going through all the stages of grief, often multiple times, we cannot come back to a whole person, capable of moving forward. Silence was a part of my grieving and this poem was the result of her visit to me.