Gratitude Moments, Vol. I, April 2012

Photo: www.innerworkingsresources.com

Most of my readers are familiar with my Grasshopper Thoughts articles.  I write those when I'm either not in the mood to delve into a meaty, involved blog article, or I just have one of those days where my attention span is shot.

A while back, I read a great post on my Facebook newsfeed that made me smile.  It was titled, "The Amazing Moments in Life".  I liked it so much that my mind automatically began compiling those moments that resonate for me, so I came here to write a Grasshopper Thoughts entry with a slightly different format.  I'll call these Gratitude Moments and this may become a recurring series.  Let me know what you think!

Gratitude Moments

1. Hearing the voice of someone you love over the phone, unexpectedly.
2. Receiving a long, tight hug that lasts for several moments.
3. Seeing a flower blooming in an unexpected place.
4. Finding cash in a pocket or purse that you had forgotten was there.
5. Taking an item to the checkout counter and being asked, "Did you know this is on sale?" (SCORE!)
6. That moment when a favorite snack food that was discontinued years ago is brought back.  In this case, Taco Flavored Doritos™!
7. Finding that ink pen that fits your hand perfectly, is the right ink flow, the right ink nib/roller ball and learning that they're affordable.
8. Spending time at your Mom's house and waking up to a breakfast only she can make.
9. Walking through the woods at home in springtime and seeing all the greening up and blossoming occurring.
10. Getting enough snow to make snow cream.
11. Holding hands.
12. Grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup.
13. Having a lazy day where you snuggle on the sofa with a blanket, the remote control, comfort foods and a good book.
14. Rubbing noses with that special person.
15. Getting kissed and hugged by a child.
16. Hot tea.
17. Family reunions and seeing all those faces that you love deeply.
18. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
19. Going to brunch with friends and discovering a new foody love. Lobster Bacon Flatbread comes to mind as a new one for me.
20. Laughing with friends and/or family until you cry happy tears.
21. Receiving flowers from someone who loves you, "Just because I knew it would make you smile".
22. Planting old fashioned flowers and watching them grow. Lily of the Valley is my personal favorite.
23. Being surprised that childhood chores you used to hate - like having a kitchen garden - have morphed into a thing of appreciation and enjoyment.  Go figure. I would never have dreamed my thoughts would change on this!
24. Listening to family members reminisce and tell stories about "the Good Old Days".
25. Finding that perfect mascara.  
26. Reading a book that literally changes your whole perspective on Life.
27. Meditation.
28. Having a good hair day.
29. Finding a new author, loving their writing style and discovering there are multiple titles of theirs available. *Love that!*
30. Having that special item of clothing that always makes you look and feel good when you wear it. One of mine is a sweatshirt my brother got me for Christmas over 10 years ago.  It's over sized, soft knit material, slouchy in silhouette and gets softer and more comfy the longer I have it, and oddly, makes me look skinny!
31. Yoga.
32. That unique smell of the morning air in your favorite location.
33. Recognizing how truly blessed you really are.
34. Banana popsicles!
35. Writing an article that, reading it back, literally gives you chills for how perfectly it has been written.
36. Celebrating a birthday of someone you love. Today is my dear, wonderful Mom's birthday...Happy Birthday, Mom!  I love you more than words can express. <3

I made myself stop at 36 things, but what I love about this process is that once you begin, the thoughts flow. There's the concept and practice of keeping a Daily Gratitude Journal and it is one that I occasionally do, but then get distracted on the daily entries part at some point.  What I can say here, today, is that sitting down to write these Gratitude Moments kept me in a happy, appreciative state of mind.  I have been smiling as I tapped out each thought and I love the Universal Law aspect of this.  Lifting our thoughts to a happy harmonic energy means that we are sending that accelerated energy outwards, where it will grow and maximize itself before returning to us to shower blessings that match that original happy energy.  I can't think of a better reason to embrace this concept and make it a habit.  What are your favorite memories and experiences that fit into the Gratitude Moments category?

Grace period

As is common, I ran across a quote about a week ago on Facebook that prompted me to ponder. Here is the quote of the day:

Photo & quote: If you like me, you're an eclectic Facebook Page

Very powerful statement by itself, without any of my thoughts added.  Of course, I am going to add my thoughts, as that's the whole point of the post! I'm not in any seriously difficult time right now....nothing that is unknown, or that I haven't experienced before.  I'm in what I have dubbed "useful limbo", and that can present its own frustrations as I practice patience whilst waiting on things to finish falling into place.  So, I'm in the "arrow being pulled backward" stage, still preparing to be shot forward into the next stage of Life that I'm meant to experience.

This particular quote and a recent conversation with a friend coalesced into today's post.  I made a comment to this friend that there is never going to be a "perfect, ideal moment" to put a specific desire into action.  This friend is experiencing some enforced limbo, due to outside factors beyond their control. The degree of limbo being enforced is one that could very well drag on indefinitely, and that was what prompted my comment about waiting for that "perfect, ideal moment".  This friend can choose to take more control and continue to live a full life, or allow those outside forces to put their life into a lengthy limbo, or stall mode.

I've often called this thing that we humans do, the Disease of Waiting to Live.  I'm guilty of it.  I daresay most of us are.  We hold ourselves back from fully living, fully experiencing, fully engaging....promising ourselves that when "this bill is paid off", or "when I finish this project at work", or "when the kids graduate", or "when I lose X amount of weight"....THEN we'll be able to step forward and LIVE.  Does this sound familiar to you?  Yep, it does to me as well.  I spent a large amount of my life in that mindset and I still wrestle with it.

Let me share some truths:

• there will ALWAYS be another bill to replace the one you're using as an excuse 
• there will ALWAYS be another project or challenge at work to focus on that you'll use as an excuse 
• when your kids graduate from high school, they will most likely go on to college and you'll use THAT as the next excuse 
• you will ALWAYS find something about your body you want to improve and you'll use that as an excuse  

Do you see the pattern here?  Life is always going to give us more than ample reasons to Wait to Live.

To a degree, there is logic and wisdom in waiting, preparing and having all the tools and experience you need prior to stepping forward in Life.  What ends up being truly sad is when we continually grasp at brittle straws of distraction to keep from fully engaging in Life.  What does a brittle straw do when we grasp it?  It usually disintegrates in our hands, crumbling to fragments and dust, leaving us with empty hands.  It may sound harsh, but this is a good analogy of what using excuses to not fully engage in life gives us.....dreams that eventually crumble to dust, leaving us with empty, lonely lives.

It takes bravery to step forward and truly engage in Life.  I'm the first to admit that it can be scary and that I fall back on the easier, more lazy side of throwing out excuses.  I do it less and less as I get older, and I find that when someone I'm connected to displays this habit in a manner that affects ME directly, I get a serious punch of a big, strong Life Lesson walloping me head on.  This conversation I had recently gave me just such a wallop.  The frustration of seeing clearly that this other person's decision to turn to easy excuses rather than take the risk of engaging was directly affecting ME in a negative manner was a big wakeup call.

In turn, I was faced with the decision of whether to give this person time to sort through their own immediate entanglements, or whether it served me better to separate myself from that relationship completely.  In order to protect this other person's privacy, I am being a bit cryptic here.  I haven't yet fully made my own decision on what action to take, but I do know that action MUST be taken.  I have specific goals in mind for my life and taking on another person's limbo stage isn't something that makes any sort of logical sense for me. Being understanding and empathetic, and offering true support and friendship is a completely different issue, and I am there 100%.  It is just as necessary for me to display that same support for myself as I wrestle with building solid boundaries that will enable me to maintain clear focus for my life path.

So! Here I am, looking at all sides of this situation.  The analogy of the arrow being drawn back, preparatory to being shot forward....this is where I feel I am, currently.  I'm okay with that, as I can see the logic of it, and I am being very clear about NOT falling into comfortable excuses to delay the release of that arrow.  That clarity and conscious choice to stop getting in my own way requires some tough choices to be made, and I'm still in the process of making them.  My heart wants one thing and can see the potential of something beautiful occurring.  My mind wants that potential to be engaged upon and to STOP WASTING TIME!!  To digress a moment, I happen to be what is known as "balanced brained", rather than right brain or left brain dominant, so this means I can see both sides of a given situation very clearly.  That's a blog post all its own, but it's also another way that I can easily get bogged down in distractions and lose sight of the things that require immediate attention and equally immediate action.  These days, I'm very much about engaging and taking action, so when someone else starts dragging their feet in a manner that affects me directly, it can become a big source of frustration. Frustration is the result of energy stalling and that's exactly what I am working to avoid and smooth out.

When I get frustrated, I have to be even more vigilant to keep myself from racing forward and making snap judgments that I might regret a few days later.  It's one of those delicate balances and my mind goes right back to that arrow being drawn.  Perfect balance is necessary in archery.  Have you ever tried it?  It is astonishing, the physical and mental strength necessary just to draw the arrow back in the structure of the bow, then hold that pose whilst focusing on the target.  Your breathing must calm, your heart rate must calm, your mind must calm....myriad levels of quiet have to be achieved, all in order to direct the course of that arrow.

Just imagine if someone next to you reaches out and knocks your hands as you're in the midst of this focusing. Everything falls out of focus.  You have to readjust, regroup, come back to calm and quiet and it usually takes a while to regain your original focus.  That's where I am, currently, being jostled by other people here and there, as I work to focus on my personal aim.  Other people don't necessarily mean to distract us, mind you, that's just part of the pattern of Life and how we interact. Our job is to stay true to ourselves and my word, that's just downright challenging on the best of days!

I know this much:  I don't want to continue a negative cycle of Waiting to Live. I'm doing some admittedly difficult personal work to cut and erase some of my past negative habits that embraced that Waiting to Live mindset.  And as is common, when we're ready to take that next step of personal evolution, God/Universe/Spirit usually hands us a hefty test to experience in the midst of it all.  Then we are assailed with a boatload of doubts.  Will I make the best choices and take the best actions?

What I have learned over my life is that there are no "wrong" decisions and choices.  They're just decisions and choices and we do what we know at the time.  My focus and my intent is to make the BEST choices and actions for myself that I'm capable of.  That requires some reeling in of emotions, some conscious wrestling of Ego and some determined engaging in detachment.  If you're like me, those actions can feel like trying to draw a delicate pen and ink sketch whilst wearing great big mittens five sizes too large for your hands.  It's not comfortable at all.  But it IS necessary, as all those things force me to breathe into calm, slow my heart rate to calm, bring my mind to calm....to achieve clarity about the best course for myself.  I'm that arrow, waiting to be released, and I owe it to myself to put this much effort into the preparations.

And equally important, there is NO logic in an arrow being knocked, pulled back, aimed....and never released!  Who wants to exist in an eternal state of limbo?!  Well, "waiting to live" is a different flavor of that concept. I'm going to serve a much better purpose if I stop allowing other peoples' energies to overlap my own process....at least stop allowing their energies to distract me enough that I fall back into Waiting to Live mentality.  At this moment in my life and my growth, I know I am capable of making choices and decisions that will serve my greater good.  I have to be brave enough to take those steps....and I am aware that I still have a bit of a Grace period.  I'm taking that extra moment, relaxing into the process, rather than fighting it.  I'm doing my level best to ignore the distractions, refuse to give into the excuses and believe that my best choices are resonating in the right harmony for me to hit that target.

I shared the above quote on my Facebook page about a week ago and it appeared to hit a common chord for many, going by the number of comments I received. That's why I chose to sit down and write this post.  Something tells me it is a topic, and a quote, that many of you will find applies to what you're currently experiencing. We're never truly alone, even though it often feels that way.

In my mind's eye, I see a huge, misty field with untold numbers of us standing in archer's pose....arrow knocked, bow drawn and each of us focusing on our respective target.  Some of those around me have let loose their arrows to fly.  Others are just stepping onto the field to choose an arrow.  I'm still in the brief Grace period of arrow knocked and drawn back.  I'm curious to know where each of you are...and I invite you to join me on the field.  Perhaps the woods...those spaces of Waiting to Live...are comfortable and easier to inhabit, but the field isn't as imposing and scary as you might think.  Step forward with me and leave Waiting to Live behind....but only when you're ready.  As far as I can see, this misty field never goes away, and the archery tools are always available when each of us are ready to step forward and take aim.  I'll see you there.

If it feels bad....pursue detachment!

Photo:  www.stopstressingnow.com

I get this wonderful e-newsletter each day in my Inbox.  It's called The Daily Love, and is the brain child of Mastin Kipp.  He starts each newsletter with a series of quotes chosen to underscore the content of his current Daily Love post.  Quite often, those quotes give me that "A-ha!" moment, and the subsequent ponderings occasionally will spark my own blog article.  Below is such a quote:

All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.
- Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, quote taken from The Daily Love newsletter

We all know one, or probably several people who insist on focusing on negatives.  Emotional vampires.  People who insist on believing the worst of others.  People who insist on believing that everyone out there in the world is jealous of them, wants what they have and that all those other people are spiteful, hateful and envious.  They can take the most mundane, innocuous, sincere comment and warp it into something ugly, despite the fact that such negative, ugly intent was never intended.

Here is one thought that I know to be absolute truth:  if YOU spend the vast majority of your life believing that everyone else in the world is exhibiting one or more negative emotions such as jealousy and envy, the actual truth here is that YOU are describing yourself.  That may sound a bit convoluted, as it appears repetitive.  Let me put it into a different format:

We are incapable of accusing another person of a negative emotion unless we, ourselves, are guilty of fostering and acting out that same negative emotion. 

Do you insist that others are jealous of you?  Spiteful and envious?  I posit to you that you would never recognize such traits unless YOU are capable of perpetrating the same thoughts, behaviors and emotions.  Those are just random emotions and traits I plugged in as an example, but any negative emotion will fit the same premise.  Anger, hatred, envy, jealousy, discontentment, sour disposition.  I just do not believe we accuse people of things we're not also capable of harboring inside.

Another strong truth along this same line of thinking is that if you spend large amounts of time proclaiming all these other people to be a specific negative, who are you trying to convince?  If you actually need to constantly voice this opinion and insist it in a public forum, most likely, you're trying to convince yourself.

People who are emotionally healthy, balanced, happy and content won't even give thought or time to such an activity.  Emotionally healthy people find no need to waste valuable time and energy focusing on such negative behavior.  Emotionally healthy people recognize that what other people do, say or feel is really none of their business.  Why devote so much energy into trying to convince the world that other people are behaving in a negative manner??  What does that really accomplish?  It merely promotes more tension and negativity, and that, in turn, turns that negative energy inward.  I am not saying this is a 100% claim, but I notice that people who dwell in negativity like this quite often battle health issues that are difficult to diagnose.   All that negative energy that is being spewed outward tends to come right back to that person, multiplied, and it bombards their physical and etheric bodies with a level of toxicity that begins to spark health issues.  The sad part is, these people who dwell in negativity rarely see that they are a strong link in their own maladies.

Let me also say that I am not indicating every illness is self-initiated.  I am speaking of a very specific behavior here, where an individual knowingly and consciously focuses extreme levels of negativity and accusations outward.  From a psychological standpoint, there is a term called "leveling" that disturbed patients will adopt in order to manipulate those they see as "better than" in some manner.

These behaviors interfere with the normal process of socialization and character development, and they also often serve as tactics to manipulate and control others. - Counselingresource.com & Dr. George Simon, PhD. Psychology, Philosopy & Real Life blog, 2009

I am not indicating that every person out there who gets stuck in a negative mindset is emotionally and/or mentally disturbed, but I will point out again that those who are in a healthy state rarely waste time on this type of behavior.

Do we all have bad days and moments of crabbiness where we recognize ugly behavior and motives in others?  Of course we do!  And being able to recognize these things is a vital coping skill in today's world where we are bombarded with so much negativity on a daily basis.  Recognizing a negative behavior is one thing; endorsing and embracing a negative behavior is a completely different thing.  One is a sort of diagnostic ability and valuable to keep us on an even keel and able to avoid those negative personalities.  The other is literally making that choice to embrace negative thoughts and behaviors on a daily basis.  I think most of us would prefer to be the former of the two and able to take that proverbial High Road.

It is also important to note that people who dwell in these very dark, obsessive and unhappy states of mind are so caught in a whirlpool of their own discord that this is all they can experience. I imagine it must be a self-perpetuating cycle, and a very sad one.  Focusing blame on the rest of the world in order to make oneself feel superior is a truly sad state of existence, and these people are literally screaming to the world that they are in pain.  Sadder still, they spew their confusion, rage and childhood scars out onto the world in such a toxic manner that they are unaware of how abusive their behavior is towards others.

As happiness is what we all want, I always advocate looking within when something is making us feel a negative emotion.  The easiest definition or diagnostic tool we are given is a very simple one - if it feels bad, then something is wrong!  Plain and straightforward, yes?  If something or someone makes you feel badly, then that something or someone doesn't serve your better good. If it is a behavior you are exhibiting, honesty is necessary to change that behavior.  If it is a behavior coming from others and you have identified it as such, it is up to you to be strong enough to either address that negativity from those people, or be strong enough to choose to excise them from your daily life.  Both options require some work, some bravery and some pragmatism.  Often, some of those negative people are ones we love as friends or as family members, so the choice to cut those relationships takes time and careful thought.

In my younger days, I would frequently feel huge amounts of frustration when I interacted with people like this - the ones who dwell in negative mindset.  It took me a while to find balance and to instill personal boundaries.  That boundaries thing is one I still wrestle with, but it is now much easier.  That simple diagnostic tool of, "How does this make me feel?  Good?  Great!  Bad?  Then address the issue!" has become an automatic reflex for me, and one of the most valuable actions I can take.  Yes, there are moments with this where I stumble, because I give too many Second Chances and I tend to lead with love, forgiveness and compassion.  That is something I like about myself and that will likely never change, BUT I have also come to the realization that this mindset of mine can become a hindrance if I allow people too much leeway. I work on it regularly, this setting of boundaries, and for the most part, I feel that my life is abundantly blessed with like minded Souls who focus on the positives in life.

Those around me who choose darkness and negativity will always spark compassion within my heart, but I also know that detachment from such people is critical to my own well being.  I check in with myself endless times each day with that "How does this make me feel?" question.  In the beginning, this action can feel cumbersome and exhausting, but with repetition and mindfulness, it becomes a very healthy and beneficial habit.  The Daily Love article annotated above focuses on forgiveness being vital in these instances where we run up against negative mindset in others.  I agree with this wholeheartedly, and add my own thought that forgiveness with detachment is what works best for me.

Recognize the behavior in that other person that is negative, extend your heart in understanding, compassion, love and forgiveness....and remember to give yourself that same understanding, compassion, love and forgiveness followed up with detachment.  What do I mean by "detachment"?  I mean accepting this person for who they are, choosing how you will allow their presence in your life, or choosing to step back from regular interaction with them, and being okay with either outcome....this is detachment.  And believe me, it is challenging!  It is human nature to want to engage in the negativity, to defend ourselves against untruths and accusations that are motivated by darkness.  The reality is, nothing we say, no matter how much we attempt to explain, or respond to negativity, people who dwell in that place aren't going to be receptive.  Our Ego wants to jump right in and fight that battle.  Detachment, I have found, serves me much better and complements my Life Choices.

Finding that place of detachment where you do not attach ego to the outcome is a Big Ticket Item for all of us to work towards. What I can say of my own path with detachment is that it is the most freeing state of mind.  Achieving detachment is a whole separate blog post....probably hundreds of articles....so I will simply say it is a state that I seek actively.  Detachment doesn't mean being cold and withdrawn.  It means being in the most healthy mindset possible for YOU, loving and releasing attachment to what others think, say and do, then moving forward to pursue what makes you happiest.  You can choose to engage with that toxic person and expend a great deal of wasted energy, but ultimately it is more important to make yourself happy.  That person attacking you, vilifying you or jabbing at you won't change their behavior because of you, but YOU can choose to not engage, to forgive, to release with love and compassion, and seek detachment. That person may actually escalate their toxic behavior for a time, because you are not responding as they want; you are not playing their toxic game properly in their eyes.  How those people react is not your problem or your focus.  Your own mental and emotional health and harmony are what matters, because ultimately, a happy, healthy you will be a much more effective tool of change in the world.

The really interesting part of practicing detachment is that once you get the hang of it, and fully embrace it, you will find that the instances of negatively motivated people begin to fall off dramatically.  Detachment helps to cut the cycle of engaging in unhealthy, reactive behavior.  It allows us a healthy distance to recognize that those negatively motivated people are lost and stuck in a morass of seething emotions, without the coping skills to seek a better path.  This realization allows compassionate thought, understanding and love to step in, and forgiveness to be exercised.  It's a process, I won't lie to you, but it is a process well worth investing your time and attention.

My Granny Reagan, whom I quote often, phrased it very succinctly:

Tending to your own backyard will keep you plenty busy.  Don't worry about what others are planting, or if they're letting weeds grow.  Focus on your yard and let them do the same.          - Alpha Celestia Nelson Reagan

The answer is always within; we just have to be brave enough to search for it and absorb those truths.  Another strong truth is that there is only perceived lack, which will motivate those negative behaviors - in actual truth, there is enough everything for everyone.  If we can embrace this positive energy, Life begins to shift in a beautiful manner and there is simply no time left over to dwell in any other state but a positive one.  Choose good things for yourself.  Choose things and people who lift you up and encourage you, rather than those who tear you down and suck you dry.  Choose to embrace looking within and recognize what your own connection to Divine Presence is telling you, and act accordingly.  Easier said than done, of course, but each day gives us a chance to start fresh with better choices.  Make those better choices and watch how Life blossoms for you!

The Emperor Illusion

Photo: www.healthwatchcenter.com

Remember the fairytale, The Emperor's New Clothes?  It focuses on the fact that life is about illusions and we are what we choose to be, see, think and perceive.

For a good stretch of years, I've battled a personal health issue that required endless rounds of medications.  Those medications had the unfortunate side effect of weight gain, and the more frustrating part was that when the meds stopped, the weight gain didn't magically poof.  Nope, it stayed and I had to take it off the old fashioned way, with exercise, focus and hard work.  Repeatedly.  At times, it felt like it would never end.

Having been a naturally slender person my whole life up until that point, it was a definite painful experience to gain large amounts of weight in such a short period of time. I experienced some of the ugliest treatment in public, by complete strangers who felt they had the right to judge and treat me in a shockingly negative manner.  I became invisible to a great extent, somewhat due to my own insecurities and also due to that unspoken bias that the general public has towards people with weight issues.  I call it the most cruel, unspoken prejudice that exists.  For some reason, overweight people scare the world.  Seeing someone with weight issues sparks some inner terror in others that it could happen to them, so they react in a very childish and vicious manner, taunting, throwing ugly labels and hurtful names, judgment, laughter and petty actions at those overweight people.  It is one of the most disappointing things that I've witnessed and experienced, multiple times, in my whole life.  I also continue to observe this bias and cruel, thoughtless judgment in others on a regular basis, and the psychology behind the unkind behavior was part of the impetus to write this article.

If any of those people had taken time to talk to me, they would have learned that I'm not a "fat, lazy slob who sits around stuffing my face".  Yes, I've had that comment thrown at me more than once, in various forms. People looked at me, saw a weight issue and automatically decided I was lazy and ate to excess, and being overweight was a conscious choice.  This couldn't be farther from the reality and truth.

During the whole health crisis odyssey that I battled, I exercised regularly (still do, for that matter), I ate a sensible, healthy food plan and I still gained weight due to the medications I was taking.  Let me stress that I am not sharing this story to defend myself. I don't think anyone with weight issues should ever be made to feel they owe anyone explanations, defenses or anything else about themselves.  Gaining weight is not something that I "did" to anyone, or even to myself.  It happened as a result of medications meant to save my life. I didn't "make" it happen by being lazy, nor did I "allow" it to happen. I am at peace with what I went through with this health issue and the ongoing management of it.  The reason I am sharing this story is the same reason I write anything here at Healing Morning....to reach out, to talk about a difficult topic, to expose my thoughts and experiences, and to possibly help others in similar circumstances.

Let me also take a moment to talk about the other side of this coin.  There are many people who battle underweight issues that are just as misunderstood, just as harshly judged and who experience pain, humiliation and insecurities because of the way society views and treats them.  Being underweight for those individuals is just as difficult to experience as obesity is for another individual.  There is an automatic judgement that very thin people are anorexic and/or bulemic.  While this may be the case at times, it is not a blanket truth to apply to every extremely thin person.  My sister battles this underweight issue, as does a very dear friend.  Neither of them are doing anything to cause this underweight issue to occur; it is a medical by product that both are working hard with their respective doctors to figure out.  Yet people who don't know them feel qualified to judge and make unkind comments. Compassion seems to be at a low ebb when extreme weight issues on either side of the coin exist.

So, fast forward to about 2 years ago.  I made a conscious choice to stop the medical approach I had been implementing for over 12 years.  I was warned by my doctor that if I stopped the meds, I would die.  Blunt, plain and simple.  "You'll die, Dawn."  My quality of life was at such a low ebb that I felt a few weeks of not being on those meds and dying as a result just might be worth it.  So, I stopped.  Cold turkey, which probably wasn't all that safe or intelligent on my part, but that's what I did.  One week passed.  I was still alive.  Two weeks.  Then a month, then six months, and now, obviously, a couple years....and I'm still alive.  Let me say that I do not suggest anyone else follow my line of thinking.  I am not sharing specific details of my own health issue, because it's a personal one and I don't want to influence anyone who might have a similar health issue.  My choice was specific to my own life and I am not advocating that others take such a radical step.

These days, I am, for the most part, prescription medication free.  I still have the same health issue, and occasionally it does flare up and require taking those old medications again.  And yes, as a result, I quickly gain weight again that has to be taken off slowly, with hard work.  I'm okay with that, as these episodes are infrequent now.  I manage the symptoms, for the most part, with yoga, exercise, meditation and an eating and supplements plan that I've devised over the years.  When prescription medications become necessary, I bow to the inevitable and deal with it.

Why, then, do I reference "The Emperor Illusion"?  Because I did something the other day that really changed my perceptions.  And it may make some of you uncomfortable to read this.  I took a short video of myself, stark naked, from all angles.  Yep, I really did.  Then I viewed it with as close to objective eyes as I could manage.  Let me also say that I am currently up in weight again, due to two episodes that required prescription meds in November and December 2011.  The resultant weight gain happened and I'm now in the process of losing weight again.  In the past couple of years, my perceptions of myself have shifted, and let me say they've done so for the better.  I no longer espouse the same cruel thoughts of myself as fat and ugly that complete strangers jeeringly threw in my face.  It has taken many years to get to this point of acceptance and self-love, and I have good and bad days with it.  For the most part, though, I'm pretty happy with my body and how I look.

The exercise with the naked video was to see myself, clearly.  And you know what?  I was pleasantly surprised.  My mind's eye perception of myself was much less flattering than the video image showed me to be.  I had, in effect, been giving myself a version of the Emperor's New Clothes with a negative connotation. The reality that I saw on the video was nothing like the mental image of myself that I have been carrying around - in fact, it was much better than that mental image!

Yes, I want to continue to lose weight and get back to a size where I'm comfortable and happier, but I really was surprised and pleased that the image I beheld....myself, naked in this video, was a beautiful woman.  I've had a few experiences over the years where I was given the chance to view myself through the eyes of a stranger (One Wish, Healing Morning, 9/15/2009) and that proved to be a valuable learning experience.  What I learned from this intentional exercise with the naked video is a different lesson, and it was equally valuable.  I learned that my own perceptions are magnified in a negative manner and not always accurate....an Emperor's Clothes Illusion, per se.

Friends and family have insisted over the years that they saw me as beautiful, despite the weight gain, and I believe them.  Love sees beauty, and I'm fortunate to be blessed with love from family and friends.  I was stumbling for many years with the concept of loving myself, though.  I believed the "fat and ugly and worthless" slurs that strangers, and some people close to me threw at me.  I internalized those ugly words and beat myself down for a long time.

Today, life is different.  I have found ways to manage my health issue that allow me to step away from prescription medications, for the most part.  I no longer walk around in a mental fog from the medications, and the changes I've made with alternative holistic healing methods have made incredible positive changes in my emotional and physical health.  I've always been a happy soul, but that happiness was muffled for many years by the prescription meds.  Years of working on my emotional health has also provided huge strides forward in my ability to accept and love myself.

I was brave enough to do something most would cringe at....to film myself naked, from all angles, and then view that video.  What I saw was a healthy woman with shining eyes, skin and hair, who radiates a happy energy.  Did I see flaws?  Things I want to change and improve?  Of course I did!  We're all our own worst critics in that regard.  There is an actual disorder that exists called Body Dysmorphic Disorder that causes people to see a very skewed version of themselves in the mirror.  I think we all do this to a certain extent, and that is why I chose to make this video.  A video gives a better impression, as close to a three dimensional image as possible of how we look, where a mirror can give that flat, one dimensional image that we might tend to not view as clearly and realistically.

Ultimately, what I saw was not an ugly, obese, slovenly, lazy individual or any other ugly label I've been called.  I saw pretty.  I saw healthy.  I saw confident. I even saw, to my very real surprise, sexy.  I have had male and female friends alike tell me, quite bluntly, that I project a very confident, sexy presence. For the longest time, I just could not wrap my mind around how they could see such a thing, but I did believe them, as they were being sincere. With this video, I admit that I could finally see what they've been remarking on. Very important - I felt an inner sense of acceptance.  I recognized that I do still hold on to some Emperor's Clothing perceptions of my physical body, and it was a nice surprise to see that my perceptions were actually inaccurate.  I'm doing quite well and I am happy with where I am at this moment in my life.  I have intentions to continue to lose weight, but those intentions are driven by my own wishes and goals....not by the negative remarks of others.

I also think it is important to note that when others DO choose to be abusive and judgmental towards someone because of their physical appearance, it is NEVER truly about that person being singled out. The problem resides in the one casting judgment, as they are attacking something about which they carry a deep seated fear.  They are terrified of this same thing - being over or underweight - happening to them, so they lash out, they judge, they make hurtful and condescending remarks, feeling sanctimonious, safe and convicted in their judgments. This is not meant to be a rebound attack on my part towards those types of people. I just felt it merited mentioning the psychology behind this type of mindset.

I did find this a valuable exercise and of such value that I was driven to write the experience here at Healing Morning.  I may do it again, this naked video exercise, if at some point I find myself repeating old and negative mind chatter.  I may never do it again.  Who knows?  For now, it is an experience that taught me something surprisingly powerful and encouraging. And interestingly, as I sat back to ponder the intelligence of posting this article in the last week, I have run across several female friends who have brought up discussions regarding weight issues and how we are perceived and judged by our weight.  I took this as a Divine nod, a nudge of sorts, of the serendipitous kind, and I am now convinced it is the right decision to publish this.

I believe we're given challenges....be they health challenges, financial ones or any myriad of applications....as an opportunity to grow.  To change.  To refine Self.  To release petty beliefs, thoughts and actions.  To embrace compassion and acceptance, not only of Self, but of everyone.  I've always been strong with compassion and acceptance of others.  My weakness for a long stretch of years was compassion and acceptance of ME.  I'm working on it, and as I write this, I'm smiling.  What I hope discussing this topic will do, in the long run, is present a different perception for people....about weight issues in general, about compassion, about thinking before you judge a complete stranger on the street because of the way they look, about acceptance and shifting the way we all view the world and our place in it.

Not crisis....opportunity

Kanji symbol for Crisis
www.japanese.about.com

Many who follow me here at Healing Morning are aware that I often am inspired by various quotes that I read.  Today's post is such a moment.  I read the following this morning:

In Japanese, the symbol for crisis is made up of two symbols, one means danger and the other one means opportunity. There is SUCH wisdom there. - Mastin Kipp, The Daily Love

I liked the thought so much that I shared the quote on my Facebook page.  I took care to say, along with the post, that I'm not in crisis, but that I did find this comment to be valuable. Life is so much about the manner of perspective.


Another homily is that with age comes wisdom.  I reflect quite a lot about those things I wish I had known in my younger years.  Of course, we are all meant to live our mistakes and learn from the living itself.  We become a sum of our experiences and it is to be hoped that we take conscious note of strong lessons, modify our behaviors and strive to become better versions of ourselves.


Change is a given on this Earth School.  We don't live in a static environment.  Earth itself is constantly changing, morphing, stretching and breathing.  Those endless life cycles exist on a moment by moment basis.  I can get myself into a spiral of existential thought very easily, pondering these concepts!


When we consider that we are never the same person on a moment by moment basis, if we truly wish it, we can change.  With every breath, we are given that opportunity.  


So, is crisis a bad thing?  It's certainly not fun to experience.  This quote above, however, is polarizing for me.  I focus conscious thought each day on how I reflect to the world around me.  I also put a lot of effort into NOT being a mindlessly, emotionally reactive person.  This is not to say I'm lacking in emotion...far from it!  I do choose to be mindful of my behavior.  I want to respond in a fashion that serves not only me, but others, and if I am constantly reacting from that mindless emotional state, then I am guilty of creating chaos.  I may be more sensitive to the energy of chaos than others, I may not be.  I just know that I don't enjoy the sensation of it.  Some do, and they thrive in that jangling, unsettled energy.  I prefer to find order and a sense of calm, and I do find it is possible to reach that state even in the midst of crisis.


The concept of the Japanese symbol for the word "crisis" providing a second option for opportunity resonates strongly for me.  From a common sense perspective, if something isn't working, we can either fight it and dig in to keep change from happening, or we can be open to change.  I will never lie and say that I am a fan of change!  Indeed, I spent a great deal of my younger years doing that digging in and being stubborn, clinging on to the familiar out of fear and resistance.  And I can honestly say that this is when the true definition of crisis would always rear its head.  Most likely, I caused myself much unnecessary trauma, pain and grief, but I had to live that level of discomfort repeatedly before I finally awakened to the thought that there might be another, better-feeling way.


These days, I look at things differently.  While I still don't enjoy change, or endings, I have a different perspective regarding both.  I am currently in yet another transition period.  Being a freelance writer means I exist in that state quite often, going from one contract to the next, sourcing new connections to always keep new opportunities in my personal pipeline.  Right now, I'm in the quiet stage where I tend to reflect and review what I've recently experienced.  This reflection allows me to decide how to focus my thoughts and energies for the future.  While being between paying jobs can present a huge opportunity for fear based thoughts and panic to set in, I choose to instill appreciation for what I now call a Resting Phase.  See how two simple words, and the emotions they convey, "fear/panic" change completely when replaced with "appreciation/resting"?  Even writing the comparison, I find my whole body and emotional state have an instantaneous response.  


So, here I am, in transition......and opportunity.  Rather than considering the end of a work contract as reason for panic and crisis, I've shifted my perception to view it as opportunity.  I'm taking time to appreciate my recent work experience so that I can extend that energy to God/Universe/Spirit and request more of the same, or better, energy to manifest.  This conscious choice that I make produces a happy feeling.  A warm glow of intent.  A sense of calm, that all is well in my personal world.

I find it delightful that God/Universe/Spirit chose to drop the quote from Mastin Kipp into my line of sight today.  It always makes me smile when I am given a nudge, a wink and a friendly reminder that yes, I'm doing okay.  I'm taking this resting phase to do some thinking, some organizing (that part isn't fun) and some dreaming.  I have some creative projects on the horizon that I'm excited to implement.  I don't know when or where or how my next work contract will manifest, but I am confident that it will.  Because of this, fear and crisis aren't words I embrace these days.  Opportunity.....now that's a word I do embrace!  Perspective, my friends.  Life is an endless opportunity for us to shift our perspective.  

My purpose is ___________.

Photo:  www.creepypasta.wikia.com

My talented friend, Tameka Mullins (Lyric Fire blog) posted this today on her Facebook page:

My purpose is _____________.

She shared her own impression of her raison d'etre in a beautiful manner and I loved the concept.  I dashed off my own reply:

Good question! To write. To love. To recognize the beauty in those around me and give them a shining mirror to see their own beauty. To remember that my words have power and as such, to use them mindfully. To share my heart in an authentic manner. To see those obscure yet breathtaking moments around me and scribe them, painting them onto paper. I do much of this via the medium of writing, but I also do it by simply being Me.  - SDS 1/29/2012

I was immediately struck by the thought that this would make a fun blog post, so I zipped off an inquiry and request to Tameka to use her idea here.  She like the idea and here I am, tapping away at my keyboard.

It's an interesting, thought provoking question, yes?  My purpose is ______________.  The fascinating thing is that at any given moment, our answer can and probably does change.  We change from moment to moment, after all.  With each breath, there is potential for a new experience that will shape and change us.

If I had to boil it all down to an inclusive, all encompassing thought, I would automatically say that my purpose is to write.  That's why it was my first response above.  Writing is such an intrinsic part of my nature that it touches literally every part of my life.  I write as a vocation, to make a regular living, and I write as an avocation, to please myself and satisfy my need to create.

Probably the other purpose that didn't occur to me when I dashed off my response above is another simple one:  To grow.

That's why we're here on this Earth School, after all.  To grow.  To learn.  To mature.  To become that better version of ourselves on a daily basis.  We do this by trying, failing, succeeding.  We try on different hats to see how they suit us in myriad applications - relationships, careers, creative pursuits, healthy ambitions, places to live and travel.  The list is endless.

Tameka's Facebook post gave me an immediate and entertaining challenge and I responded with a stream of consciousness flow of words.  Usually when we do that type of writing, it is as visceral and truthful a response as you can achieve.  So, in an interesting manner, I gave myself that same mirror that I mentioned in my own comment.  I recognized some things about myself of which I am already cognizant and comfortable.  When I read my words back, I smiled, because the picture painted was that perfect fit.

There have been times when I have engaged in similar writing exercises when the resulting picture wasn't as perfect a fit.  There is value in that very thing, being confronted with thoughts that we didn't realize we espoused until challenged to give them voice.  I've grown dramatically from such experiences.

Today's exercise was lighthearted, effortless and fun.  Tameka's delightful response further in her thread was:

Wow, Dawn! What a beautiful purpose you have! You give good purpose! LOL!

Isn't that the BEST comment that she made?  "You give good purpose."  I think this belongs on a t-shirt, similar to the one posted above.  I know I'd certainly buy it and wear it!

Why not take a few minutes and play this game with Tameka and I?  Empty your mind, take a deep breath and just write.  Don't over think it.  Just let the words flow until you feel it is finished.  Then read your words back and see what you learn about yourself.  If you're so inclined, share here with us - I think it will be a fun experience for all of us.

I also encourage you to click the link for Tameka's wonderful blog, Lyric Fire and experience her writing.  She is wonderfully talented and I enjoy myself every time I pay her a visit.  Tameka, thank you for the inspiration for this post!

An ephemeral equation

www.flickr.com/photos/monster/466981669/

We're approaching the end of 2011 and I've taken time to glance back through my blog archives for the year.  Compared to the previous two years, 2011 was a slower pace of blog writing for me.  The year itself was quite full of challenges on myriad levels, and that's where my focus and energy went.  While I've never been one to embrace the concept of blogging daily, I do prefer to write more often than I ended up accomplishing this year.

This post isn't about typical New Year Resolutions.  I've shared my thoughts on that topic many times since I began blogging (Just Say No!, Healing Morning 12/27/2010), so I won't revisit here.

What I want to concentrate on is recent events.  I mentioned in my last post that life has improved slightly for me.  As a freelance writer, I live a constant roller coaster ride with keeping work in the pipeline, keeping my name in constant circulation with networking groups and attending as many of those networking functions as I can.  With that much activity happening on a monthly basis, you would think that work would be flowing with no problem.  I would think that too, but it wasn't the case for the year of 2011.  I have been through difficult, challenging times before, but I can truthfully say that 2011 rates right up at the top of the list of tough times experienced.

Why am I talking about this?  Because somehow, in the midst of a truly scary time where I couldn't imagine things improving, they did.  This is a quote from my last post:

"I have also just recently weathered some rather trying times where I wasn't sure how I would get from one day to the next.  The darkness that accompanied those challenges was quite intense and looking back, I have no idea how I managed to maintain even a wee shred of optimism and belief that good experiences were in my personal pipeline.  Somehow, though, deep within me, I did hold onto that small flame of belief.  That small flame of pure love, of pure healing, of pure manifestation....it all rested deep within me, despite the trying times."  With a Bright Spirit, Healing Morning 11/30/2011

I've been pondering this for the last several weeks, and even spoke of the whole experience with several friends.  What strikes my immediate consciousness so strongly is this:  somehow, despite all the fears, all the weariness, all the sense of self-defeat and borderline hopelessness, something within me stubbornly refused to give up.  Somehow, some small spark of Life continued to fight the battle mentioned above and I presented enough belief to manifest a new contract.  Let me stress that the environment of this new contract is as close to ideal as I can imagine.  No small wonder, that, as I did sit down and write out those particulars more than once during 2011.  What I speak of is sometimes called Life Mapping, where we write out our wishes and dreams for a specific purpose, then release the request with all its attendant specific details to God/Universe/Spirit.

I've done that many times in my life, and I admit that there was usually a healthy dose of doubt in the practice.  This is rather amusing, considering that I believe in the concept for others wholeheartedly.  It was for myself that I held back, that I entertained doubts and allowed niggling voices of insidious poison to creep in.  That being said, I reference the above quote from my previous blog post and share the fact that something within me did persevere and refuse to completely give up.

Speaking with a dear friend on the phone during the week leading up to Christmas 2011, I talked about this realization and said, "Knowing that I was able to manifest such a wonderful result with this new work contract in the midst of such doubt, imagine what I can manifest NOW, as I am in a state of new awareness and absolute belief!"

That's magical and very powerful, that realization.  Universal Law, for those of you who embrace the concept, dictates focusing on those good, positive feelings.  Study the emotions and memorize how it feels to be in a space of abundance and happiness, so that you can replicate that feeling again and again.

This is challenging for many of us, staying in that positive emotion, and I am no different.  My childhood mantra regarding finances is one that has programmed a negative energy for most of my adult life.  This is where I am focusing daily energy to shift that pattern and change the programming.  I am focusing on how I feel each day of this new work contract.  I am minutely dissecting how it feels to be happy, to have money flowing into my daily existence, to know that security is being established.  I am doing this so that I can amplify these emotions and project them outward so that this energy continues in a looping manner, bringing more of the same to my life on a regular and continuing basis.  The challenge of this mindset is that it is an ephemeral equation.  Belief is at its core, and happiness and positive emotions are the fuel. It is not a tangible thing at first.  Tangible results DO occur, but the belief and positive emotions must exist first.

At a holiday party, the question was asked of us to talk about not a resolution for 2012, but of something we wanted to embrace for ourselves on a purely personal level.  My thought was part of what prompted this very blog post, as I said that I had been thinking of how we behave as children.  If any child is loved, they have an inalienable sense of entitlement in the purest manner.  They simply believe that good things will happen and they believe that they deserve those good and delightful things.  If there is one thing I can say with absolute certainty, it is that I am loved in this life.  By friends and family, my life is richly blessed with love.  Somewhere along the way, however, I lost some of that childlike sense of entitlement to receive good and positive blessings.  Please note that I use the word "entitlement" in a positive manner, as it can carry negative connotations.  What I am speaking of is that manner children have of believing in magic.  I write about it quite often and I still carry a firm belief that magic exists, but I was also putting up roadblocks to receive good and positive blessings for myself.  I am in the process of recapturing the sense of how that feels....that sense of entitlement in the purest, most innocent and faithful manner.  Faith and belief are key words here.

So, if there is anything even remotely approaching a New Year's Resolution for me in 2012, it is to continue to give daily thought to amplifying and projecting my current level of success so that it can continue and increase in ways I have yet to imagine.  I remind myself of my comment above to my girlfriend that so much more is possible.  Limits are things we impose on ourselves out of fear.  That much I know to be true, and it's something that I've excelled at over a lifetime...getting in my own way.  I choose, now, to excel at getting OUT of my own way and existing in abundance.  I know it is possible.  I am living the result of my own wee kernel of belief that refused to be extinguished during the travails of 2011.  I believe that that wee kernel of belief, that tiny flame that flickered valiantly in the midst of a great big boatload of darkness can be stoked.  As I write this, in my mind's eye that tiny flame is growing into a nice, healthy bonfire.  It warms my hands and face as the flames rise.  Rather than being a destructive force, this is the kind of flame that does not consume in a negative manner.  Or perhaps it does....perhaps the consuming is of those negative thoughts.

Whatever the case, it is clear to me that I can build this fire.  I can increase my own prosperity.  I can embrace the belief that I deserve success in multiple areas of my life.  I can release my death grip on doubt and fear.

Many years ago, I was given a writing assignment to come up with a definitive sentence to describe what I wanted out of my immediate experience.  This was the sentence that I came up with:

"I want to be like the fluffy seeds of the dandelion puff.....releasing from ties that bind me to a single existence to ride the winds of Life and be unafraid of where those winds will take me."

 I find that sentence, that statement of intent to be a good one for the New Year of 2012.  To all of you who continue to visit me here at Healing Morning and offer so many beautiful comments on what you find here, I wish you a beautiful New Year full of blessings.