Just say "No!".....

Photo: www.clker.com/clipart-no-sign.html

Update: December 2010
Sometimes I find that I wrote a past blog that I can't improve upon, but that addresses an ongoing yearly issue.  This post is such a one, and rather than try to reinvent my own wheel, I'm just going to re-post this one. :)  Best wishes to everyone for the approaching New Year of 2011!

We're at that inevitable moment approaching the New Year where practically everyone you speak with throws the "What's your New Year's resolution?" question at you.  Don't get me wrong - this practice works for a lot of people to get motivated, start the New Year fresh, get organized and make lists of all the things they plan to accomplish.  I've never embraced the resolution concept because I don't enjoy having something hanging over my head, making me feel obligated to do, be or feel differently on a specific timeline.  To be facetious for a wee moment, I'm more a fan of the "Just say 'No!' to New Year's Resolutions!" mindset.

I am of the opinion that striving to live daily in a conscious manner works better.  This may sound like a cop-out, but the reverse is actually true.  By living consciously, I mean paying attention to my thoughts, my actions, my words, my tone of voice, even my physical movements and the things I eat and drink on a daily basis.  It requires being physically, mentally and emotionally present on a moment by moment basis, again, each and every day.

I can tell you that choosing to embrace this concept is challenging.  There are plenty of days that I fail spectacularly on all of the above.  Those are the days that can be frustrating, yes.  However, the concept of living consciously is not meant to be an onerous task, or an invisible tool with which to torment ourselves.  For me, it is a personal choice to strive each day to be the best version of myself it is possible to accomplish.  On the days that I fall short of my own personal expectations, I am then realistic and kind to myself.  There are going to be those days where things, people, traffic, work, kids, etc., all conspire to make any sane person's head want to spin around on their shoulders.  Bad days happen. 

What I have found, over the years that I began to actively incorporate this practice of living consciously into my daily existence, is that the more you do it, the easier it becomes.  I am fortunate to have a calm, peaceful core nature which serves me well in business situations where various personalities can clash, tempers can fray and power struggles are constant.  At a very young age, something within me recognized that operating in what I call a reactive (i.e., unconscious) manner produced people who walked around in a constant state of dissatisfaction.  I observed, studied, did a lot of thinking and reading and resolved to not be that same reactive type of personality.  Being mindful of my actions is how I chose to live my life, and from that point forward, it has worked for me. 

Does all of this mean I think I shouldn't embrace the New Year's Resolution craze?  Am I saying I'm perfect and not in need of resolving to change certain things?  Of course not - I am far from perfect and certainly it is true that I have my own rough edges in need of smoothing and refining.  I just prefer to address those issues and behaviors on a regular, daily basis, rather than letting it all build up to tackle at the beginning of the New Year.  That way, when the New Year does roll in to greet me, I am able to step forward with enjoyment and not dread some looming list of Have To's that will hang over my head and dog my every waking moment.

This is what works for me, so in a sense, if pushed to write out a resolution for the New Year of 2010, or any future New Year (as I re-post this for the approaching 2011 New Year) it would be to stay true to my convictions and continue to live in the purposeful manner that works well for me.  This works so well for me, in fact, that it is the basis of a manuscript I am writing and have intentions of submitting for publication in the near future, so please stay tuned for news of this!  As this year winds to conclusion, I wish you all the best, brightest approach to the New Year that each of you can imagine for yourselves.

Subverting ego

I want to talk about something that will strikes nerves in all of us. Subverting ego. Another word for it is compromise. For many of you, reading the word compromise probably elicits an instantaneous, visceral response. An inner shudder, dread, irritation, frustration, a dogged, militant digging in of stubborn heels, an instant need to avoid and avert, or an outright instinct to flee from the whole situation at hand. We are taught (it is to be hoped) from childhood to play fairly, to share, be kind, tolerant and understanding, to have respect, ethics, morals and firm convictions. From that early age, those lessons are either absorbed and embraced or they are tossed aside in the rush to succeed, gather wealth and worldly recognition. In this sometimes aggressive rushing forward process, we forget who we are.


Usually, by the time we reach our mid- to late 20's, we recognize as adults that all of life is about some form of compromise. Every relationship that exists on this planet involves this concept; relationships with business and professional colleagues, with friends, with family members, with romantic partnerships, with nature, with artistic muse, with education, with health....the list is endless and all of these require learning to compromise.


The intrinsic, guttural response for many is initially to fight and win at all costs when presented with a difficult situation. Many do barrel in and greet life with this approach, heedless of the chaos, pain and destruction left strewn behind them. There seems to be an innate fear that by choosing to compromise, this indicates weakness.

I posit to you that a willingness to compromise is perhaps the better example of strength. 

It is true that alone, we can accomplish a great deal. It is a stronger truth that by joining with others, we can accomplish so much more. The kicker here is that by joining forces with others...in business, in marriage, in friendship....we have to learn the art of compromise.

• "But my way is best."  
• "I am always right." 
• "I don't need any help." 
•  "I want what I want now!"  

Do any of these sound familiar to you? We are all guilty of those moments. It is just human nature. At times, all of those statements are valid ones. Well, maybe not the "always right" one, because that's a physical and energetic impossibility in this world for any one person to "always" achieve.

The art of compromise requires each of us to do the oftentimes incredibly difficult inner work of subverting our ego. This can be a painful process, admittedly. Few of us embrace change on such a personal level with great enthusiasm, because it means looking at ourselves with clear eyes and ruthless honesty, admitting to flaws, failings and things that aren't necessarily very attractive about our behavior patterns. The good news is, none of us are perfect and we all have those less than pretty inner workings. Our job as individuals, I believe, is to operate on a conscious level each day, and recognize those moments that are presented to us to change, evolve and become better versions of ourselves. Compromise is almost an inevitable step in this process.


I am not one who marches through life with an aggressive tilt to my chin. My approach is calmer, more peaceful and thoughtful. Does this approach always serve me well? For the most part, yes. I can admit, however, that there are definitely times where a more aggressive approach is necessary and this is a lesson that I have learned, processed and absorbed over the years.

It is important to note that a calm, kind spirit does not indicate any degree of passivity or lack of strength. 

When the situation calls for it, I can present a harder demeanor and accomplish what I set out to do. The delicate balancing act is to do this with personal integrity and kindness, and that is the tricky part we all wrestle with on a daily basis. In order for me to learn this particular lesson and gain this valuable life tool, I had to compromise and be willing to change in an elemental manner. For many, the converse is true; that aggressive approach is second nature, and for them, the compromise and painful learning process is to embrace a softer, kinder application of energy.


The beauty of this whole concept is that through compromise, through subverting ego, we learn that by joining together with others for various purposes, we become more than would be managed alone. Compromise produces complement. My love of words rears its head and I feel the need to list the definition of these two words:


Compromise
Main Entry: 1 com·pro·mise
Pronunciation: \ˈkäm-prə-ˌmīz\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, mutual promise to abide by an arbiter's decision, from Anglo-French compromisse, from Latin compromissum, from neuter of compromissus, past participle of compromittere to promise mutually, from com- + promittere to promise
Date: 15th century
1 a : settlement of differences by arbitration or by consent reached by mutual concessions b : something intermediate between or blending qualities of two different things


Complement
Main Entry: 1 com·ple·ment
Pronunciation: \ˈkäm-plə-mənt\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Latin complementum, from complēre to fill up, complete, from com- + plēre to fill — more at full
Date: 14th century
1 a : something that fills up, completes, or makes perfect b : the quantity, number, or assortment required to make a thing complete


So, to paraphrase..."blending qualities of two different things..." "...required to make a thing complete." I find absolute beauty in the marriage of these two thoughts. For those of us who have fallen in love, the merging of these two concepts make perfect sense, for we become a much brighter, more shining, aspiring version of ourselves through loving another.

The jarring, perhaps amusing fact to point out is that just beyond the first rosy glow of love comes the prosaic, mundane rolling forth of life that requires....once again, compromise. 

Subverting of personal ego then becomes necessary; subverting our own immediate wants, wishes and needs, subverting ego in order to create a happy and workable balance with that other person.

Yes, we can be happy alone. Yes, we can achieve success in business by ourselves, to a degree. The simple, inescapable truth remains that this planet is full of people and operates on the concept of personal interaction with others. Therefore, compromise and subverting of ego is an inevitable part of life. Friendship, companionship and family cannot exist in an isolated state for any of us; this is simply not possible. I find on a personal level that when someone close to me challenges me, or pushes me to adapt and change, ultimately the changes and refining of myself that occur enrich my life. I find more satisfaction in the particular area that was highlighted, and also find the relationships involved in producing those changes become stronger and more resilient.

A better, brighter, stronger version of who You are capable of becoming; this is the end product of subverting ego and considering the other side with a genuine desire and enthusiasm. It cannot be stressed enough - compromise produces complement.