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| photo: www.paleospirit.com |
deep and ragged
will I still breathe?
If I remember
sweet spring fragrance
will the memories remain?
If I touch
the deep well of loss
will I drift endlessly?
Ticking echoes
of an empty clock
If I linger
tasting acid tears
will I heal?
If I laugh
finding small pleasures
will I betray?
Grains of sand spilled
marking where
the time chord snapped
If I recall
hands reaching down
will I be lifted up?
If I see
that smile shining
am I letting go?
tether broken
spirit set free
If I hear
wisps of laughter
will I lose that precious note?
If I gaze
at incredible talent
will it become flat and empty?
If I hold
arms open
will there be a return?
If I rest
will surcease
prove ever elusive?
If...and if...
and if....
a torment
and a comfort
Twining and swirling
insubstantial
All suspended
echoing...
.....the ifs...
Hammering against
transparent boundaries
fleeting....
and quickly gone
reflecting what?
If...and if...
and if....
...and if...again....
_______________________________________
The poem above is the first thing I've written and published here since December 28, 2012. That stretch of time is the longest I have gone without writing here at Healing Morning since I created the blog in 2009. The reason for this silence? There are many. Holiday insanity, seasonal commitments to parties and events. Work encroaching; personal relationships demanding time and attention. Most importantly, I needed time to absorb and address the loss of a family member who left us through suicide in the summer of 2012.
If you follow my blog, you may have read some of the articles I wrote about that loss when it happened. (Sad Weathering, 7/5/2012, Healing Morning). For those of you who may have gone through a similar loss, then perhaps you know that processing the emotions and finding a way through to acceptance is a lengthy process. I'm still working on that. I am not sharing this poem and these thoughts to indicate that I am still dwelling in that immediate state of shock and sharp loss. I have healed a great deal. The thoughts shared today encompass all those doubts and questions that we inevitably confront when we lose a loved one to suicide. In my healing process, I have allowed the thoughts to come to consciousness so that I could absorb, understand and release them. During meditation, during prayer, during random moments, they will resurface and demand further contemplation. And healing continues.
Healing always continues... there are days that show us that we can be happy, even stretches of time... it is attainable;)
ReplyDeleteLaunna, indeed, and that's the beauty of the human spirit. We prevail. Brighter days come and we find a way to walk forward, learn to smile again. I'm in that space, while also addressing parts of the healing process that I neglected for a while. All things in proper time, yes?
DeleteThank you for visiting and sharing your kind words.
Namaste',
Dawn
Dear Dawn,
ReplyDeleteBeautiful and powerful. You have captured the tension between pain and joy, a constant tightrope walk in life even without the trauma of losing a loved one.
If I laugh and dance does it mean I don't care about starving children in the world? If celebrate my prosperity does it mean I'm selfish because others have so little? On and on and on....
WE both know it's important to feel all our authentic feelings. Thank you for all that you are.
Arms open -- BIG cyber hug! XOXOX
Miss Linda, you got it! That is exactly what I was attempting to give voice...the tension and conflicted feelings that hit as we heal or grapple with ponderous issues.
DeleteYou and I often walk paths that converge and I always enjoy sharing perspectives. Thank you, in return, dear one. Life is a brighter joy when we meet those kindred souls.
Arms open - receiving your hug and returning it with smiles and love! <3
- Dawn
So glad to see you back. Healing from the death of a loved one, especially a death from suicide, takes as long as it takes, and takes whatever path it takes. Beautiful poem. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteGalen, I'm happy to be back! And such strong words of wisdom you offer - yes, it takes as long as it takes. Thank you for visiting! :)
Delete- Dawn
Poignant, Dawn. This line especially struck me:
ReplyDeleteIf I laugh finding small pleasures, will I betray?
I know these conflicting feels. Hugs to you.
Sandra, I hoped that people reading this poem would get what I was attempting to convey. All those conflicting feelings, as you know from your own experiences - they shape us. They change us. Knowing that you read my thoughts here today and understood, and offered affirmation means so much. In sharing sadness and understanding, I think we reach a new level of healing.
DeleteHugs to you in return, my friend. :)
- Dawn
Ticking echoes of an empty clock and Grains of sand spilled marking where
ReplyDeletethe time chord snapped are two lines that really jumped out at me. Very beautiful.
Lisa, thank you! Those lines, I admit, are the ones that raced chills across my skin when I wrote them. Poetry is such a subjective medium, and I often wonder if I'm making sense! I'm glad this one is resonating clearly. :)
DeleteNamaste',
Dawn
Some very powerful words. Healing always takes time in all losses, but especially those we least expect. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteMary
Mary, my goodness, yes....unexpected loss is its own unique pain to walk through. I've often said that if we can know to the very minute when a loved one will pass, or if it's a complete surprise with no warning, it is still a loss we cannot prepare for. Loss via suicide presents a whole new bundle of emotions and reactions to separate and heal. Many months later, I am getting there, and being patient and kind with myself through it all.
DeleteYour prayers and thoughts are appreciated.
Namaste',
Dawn
Dawn....Well, I wrote a lengthy response and darn if my phone didn't lose it. I found this so very moving having known all those feelings you perfectly described in your beautiful poem. The grief I felt wasn't a result of a suicide which I feel carries an extra measure of grief and suffering (and maybe guilt) for those left behind. Thank you for sharing this, I know it will comfort whoever reads it. And I also hope that this will be bring you another step closer to healing. Lori
ReplyDeleteLori, thank you for going the extra step of writing a second comment! I've experienced poof-itis w/ blog comments many times, and I'm like you - I keep trying until I'm successful. :)
DeleteThank you, also, for your wonderful thoughts here. Yes, I am doing much better these days with my healing process. Writing this post showed me that, and your comment that you feel it will bring comfort to others is the very reason I wrote this one. :)
Blessings to you,
Dawn
From the moment I read the many beautiful lines of your breathtaking poem I wanted to know more... Reading in between the lines I quickly realised that time had not been meaningless by an imposed, required absence from your wonderful blog ‘Healing Morning’
ReplyDeleteOccasionally we don’t realise that it is absolutely necessary to take some time for what can be a complicated process towards the journey of healing... But the joy Dawn of seeing your work once again, is paramount to being able to describe feelings of wanting to sing out or quickly do a jig of happy dancing because my darling, I have so missed your magical words.
Write when you can, love when you can and always be who you are... <3
Jane, my apologies for the delay in reply to your wonderful comment. Thank you for visiting, reading and offering your thoughts on this one! I've missed writing and I'm glad that the logjam is breaking up enough to allow words to flow again.
Delete"Write when you can, love when you can and always be who you are...<3" <--That should be on a t-shirt! Much love to you, dear friend.
- Dawnie
when the joy comes, and come it will, it is not betrayal but continuation of life
ReplyDeletedeath will have no final victory
healing will have its way
"...it is not betrayal but continuation of life...". Very aptly and beautifully put! Healing is, indeed, happening. Slowly at times, but with a sureness that is healthy.
DeleteThank you for visiting & leaving such a thoughtful comment! :)
- Dawn
Your poem absolutely floored me with its power, grace, and beauty, Dawn! Oh, those "ifs" in our lives . . . you expressed those feelings in the balance flawlessly.
ReplyDeleteAnd, in time, my friend, healing will come.
Love and blessings!
Martha, you humble me with your words. I am glad I went with instinct and shared this one. I thought about it for a while before clicking the Publish button.
DeleteYes, all those "ifs" in our lives. They're endless, aren't they! Healing is occurring, and more so for the sharing of these thoughts and hearing your response along with all the others.
Love & blessings to you in return, my dear one! <3
- Dawn
Suicide grief...it's a life long journey of healing. You can come to acceptance and peace with it, but there is still always "something" there and we have to come to peace with the fact that the "something" will always be there in the distance or up close sometimes but always there. The best way I can describe it is that it is an incomplete grief. Yet...it is. Sending love and prayers your way Dawnie...such is the road we travel my girl. *HUGS*
ReplyDeleteTinker, I agree with you - this is a side of healing that never truly gets accomplished, tied off with a neat bow and set aside with a "Finished!" label applied. I don't know that we ever truly finish healing from any death, but loss through suicide has a lot more layers to traverse.
DeleteThank you for the love and prayers, my darling girl. They are much appreciated and returned in full. <3
- Dawnie
How beautiful, the way you captured sorrow and hope in the poem, how you wrestled down the emotions of loss, remembrance. Healing is an ongoing process, and we are only healed in small doses, little by little… like when we take a spiritual antibiotic, it doesn’t work its healing overnight. But we do get better in time, not completely whole, but better. Sending healing prayers and lots of love your way today, dear Dawn. Have a Blessed Resurrection Day. Mwah!
ReplyDeleteDebra, you expressed it beautifully with, "..we do get better in time, not completely whole, but better". That's my goal, just to exist in acceptance and find a balance with the sense of loss. I'm getting there, slowly. I'm happy to know that this poem made sense to everyone who has visited thus far.
DeleteBlessings to you in return, chickadee! <3
- Dawnie
Dawnie,
ReplyDeleteI love your poem. It speaks of everything...all the little sparks and flashes that carry our hearts and minds far far away from this 3D world. I'm glad that you found the inspiration—that tender green shoot sprouting from the broken places. These are the best, having been germinated during times of sorrow. This is the promise of resurrection.
I too have been somewhat absent, so I understand your need to pull back—let the dust settle. I'm glad to see you here today. It encourages me. See Dawn, even when you're not trying you still manage to encourage us.
Love and Blessings,
Leah
Leah-love! It's wonderful to see your name in this thread!!! You gave me pause with your final comment that "even when you're not trying, you still manage to encourage us". I had to turn that one over in my mind a bit and find a level of comfortableness with it, if that makes sense. I created Healing Morning for that very purpose - to offer a place where others might find a moment of respite, of encouragement, of hope. When someone reminds me, as you did just now, that I'm accomplishing that original goal, it sometimes stuns me in its simplicity. Thank you for the gentle reminder.
DeleteLove & blessings in return,
Dawnie
Dawn, your presence has truly been missed. The poem you shared was lovely and it makes one think of all of the highs and lows we experience in this life. Our existence is a balancing act between happiness and joy and when we learn not to get too high or low, it is then we can receive overwhelming bliss. I am so not there yet, but I want to be. Your words always make me think deeper about my place on this planet.
ReplyDeleteI pray that you heal delicately and in your best time. You are deeply loved my friend.
My latest blog piece at Venus Blogs: http://venusblogs.com/what-it-really-means-to-be-a-woman/
Tameka, I'm glad to be back! And my goodness, the responses to this post have been making me ponder deeply. I guess that's a reflection of your comment that my words make YOU think deeper. That is profound stuff, yes? As writers, it's a very strong blessing when we come across fellow writers who strike that chord of commonality, and inspiration blossoms.
DeleteThank you, sweetheart, for your prayers & friendship. Healing continues. <3
Much love,
Dawnie
Hi Dawn,
ReplyDeleteThat was a truly beautiful poem. You touched on so many things that anyone who's dealt with loss can understand. You've captured the human condition, the delicate balance between pain and joy. It's been 5 years since my husband died, but I still have those raw moments that fill my heart and mind with unanswered questions. I'm glad you're back! And I'm more happy that you're healing, and how aware of it you are is so touching, and human.
Take care my friend,
Your adopted southern sister, Laura
Laura, in true and sincere southern fashion, I say to you, bless your heart. I know you know what I mean with that! You and I have worlds to learn about one another, and today I learned that you have experienced one of the biggest losses imaginable with the death of your husband. Five years later, you carry yourself with beauty and laughter and a friendly spirit that touches others, did you know this? I know that those unanswered questions will always lurk, occasionally tapping away at the heart and leaving some fresh scars. Somehow, we continue, don't we. And I'm happy that we stumbled across one another in the process of continuing.
DeleteMuch love to you, sister-mine!
Dawnie
so good to read u again Dawn..
ReplyDeletelovely portrayal of the conflicts n confusions that keep messin with our heads..and then we all deal with it in our own ways..
Jyoti, great big hugs to you, sweetheart! Yes, indeed, we do all deal with the raging emotions and conflicts that personal loss causes in our own ways. I never know how the emotions are going to surface from day to day. This poem was one of those days where the conflicting emotions were really giving me a tough day, and writing the emotions out let me breathe, finally. For that moment, that day, it was enough.
DeleteI'm heading over to visit you in return; I've missed you!
- Dawnie
I just discovered your website - can't quite remember how I found my way here... but apparently the timing is right... :-)
ReplyDeleteYour poem is so beautiful... Unlike most questions, yours feel like answers somehow, the kind of answers that are beyond black and white. Like inner knowing.
Thank you and I look forward to your future posts
Halina, thank you for visiting! I agree with you, timing always brings us where we're meant to be. I look forward to visiting you in return, because I like the way you think and express yourself in words.
Delete"..the kind of answers that are beyond black and white" That made me smile. As I wrote this poem, it was a process of plucking each thought out of mid-air and giving them voice. I'm happy to learn that in doing so, I also offered something unique and capable of opening up discussion.
Namaste',
Dawn
Quick note to everyone who has left me new Comments - Thank You! I have a busy work week and I promise to get back here later in the week to respond to each of your wonderful thoughts on this post. I appreciate each of you, deeply.
ReplyDeleteNamaste',
Dawn
Beautiful words Dawn.....sending you lots of healing thoughts. I think, in a strange way, we are never alone...we all go through things together, but the timing may be different for each person. I have felt like being absent from my blog and other things in my life as of late. Lots of love....sometimes silence is the best medicine and it speaks volumes.
ReplyDeleteKatherine, thank you for the healing energies! You know, you're not the first blogger I've communicated with recently who has felt a need for a sabbatical. I began blogging in 2009, and the blogging friends who have hit that same need for quite time away all began writing at the same time in 2009. Perhaps it's just part of the cycle of writing.
DeleteI know that when I do take time away, it brings so much to the surface and I grow a great deal as a result. Greeting my thoughts without the medium of writing prompts a completely different level of growth and healing. I'm sure you're experiencing a lot of new thoughts and growth on your end as well.
Blessings and love to you in return!
Namaste',
Dawn