Morning Meditation - Irregular Circumstances

 Morning Meditation. Our lives are a continual series of irregular circumstances, and therein lies incredible beauty! ✨

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Morning Meditation - Balance Will Follow

Morning meditation™️. I don’t think it is necessary or possible to find balance in all things at all times. Offer yourself respite and practice kindness. Balance will eventually follow. ✨

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In the long run

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Tears.  Crying.  The two words usually strike mortal terror in the hearts of most people.  At the very least, they cause discomfort when witnessed.  I have a habit of filing away little tidbits of thoughts in my Drafts section of Healing Morning blog for future reference.  I leave them there, sometimes for months on end, waiting for those thoughts to percolate and sift through my mind before coming together in a cohesive concept for a blog post. 

Several years ago, there was a commercial for some facial tissue company on television.  It was an unlikely "man on the street" scenario of a set of big easy chairs on a busy city street, backed by a pretty park.  The concept was for everyday people to sit down and discuss their reasons for using that particular facial tissue.  Since these tissues are most often used to stem and blot tears, these commercials concentrated on that topic.  One woman's comment stuck with me.  Paraphrased here, it was something along these lines:

"Yes, I cry.  I'm not afraid to admit it.  I will cry again, many times in the future.  But my tears do not diminish me, or weaken me.  They make me stronger in the long run."

What a powerful statement, yes?!  I found it so refreshing, as the general consensus of crying openly is looked upon as showing signs of weakness.  I have never agreed with that particular consensus and am more inclined to agree with the statement above.  When, in the hazy mists of the past, did it become standard choice to equate tears with weakness? 

From a good health standpoint, crying is a cathartic release and is much healthier for our bodies than stuffing down our feelings and ignoring sharp emotions.  Doing so can lead to all manner of health concerns, ranging from migraine headaches, to high blood pressure, ulcers, skin disorders, digestive problems, autonomic nervous system disorders such as arthritis and more.  Yet we persist in doing that very thing...suppressing genuine emotions like sadness, physical and emotional pain, fatigue. 

Another piece of this current puzzle I've been piecing together fell into place last week while I was watching one of the cable news stations.  A brief story ran mentioning that men who are exposed to women's tears for more than three minutes' time experience a dramatic, albeit temporary, drop in testosterone levels.  I found this to be of profound logic.  Think about it:  testosterone is the hormone which governs that "manly man" alpha male persona.  It also governs aggression, physical energy and sexual drive, and is an integral part of the biological makeup of man.  Women also have this hormone, although in much smaller amounts. 

What I found riveting about this study was the simple fact that merely witnessing a woman's tears causes this brief dip in testosterone levels. This would, in turn, soften that man's normally stoic demeanor, allowing him to offer comfort more easily.  Certainly most men readily admit that seeing a woman cry makes them extremely uncomfortable.  They don't know how to deal with tears, as the main requirement, as all women know, is not a physical act.  It is being present emotionally.  Men do much better with actions.  They want to identify the enemy and go out and bash its brains in, then they feel they've conquered and addressed the issue at hand. While this is somewhat of a stereotyping scenario, I am talking in general terms here, so I think stereotyping is acceptable in this sense. Tears, literally, "unman" men.  I don't necessarily find this a negative, to be honest.  I find it quite interesting that this chemical reaction was built into our physiologies.  God/Universe/Spirit, in that infinite wisdom, somehow knew there would be those moments when blazing testosterone wouldn't get the job accomplished, so a way was created to reduce that hormone, however momentarily, and allow for softer emotions and a more gentle approach to occur.

And obviously, this was a one-sided study, with only the chemical reaction of men being studied.  I daresay that women have some sort of chemical reaction when being exposed to tears as well. 

Tears are part of life.  We are emotional creatures, after all.  We feel...and in doing so, we experience and we grow.  Tears can be induced by a wide range of emotions.  Sadness, fear, pain, happiness, surprise, raw grief, nervousness, extreme hilarity....they can all prompt tears.  I have read some fascinating studies that revealed that different chemicals exist in different tears.  A study I watched on a television show over 20 years ago showed that subjects who watched sad movies had a high concentration of oxytocin in their tears.  Oxytocin, as most of us know, is the neurotransmitter that is responsible for maternal and partner bonding.  Not surprisingly, tears prompted by anger had higher content of testosterone.  Tears prompted by laughter had higher levels of serotonin.  In light of these findings, it is dramatically clear how truly healthy shedding tears really is.

I admit that I'm not a fan of crying in business settings.  I don't want to be viewed as weak or helpless in that environment, so it is very rare that I succumb to tears in the workplace.  Even though I know that some people can't help reacting to stressful situations with tears, it is a harsh truth that this reaction is viewed as exhibiting weakness.  This is unfortunate, but it is a widespread unspoken attitude in the business world.  No small surprise, then, that so many people in the corporate world suffer from heart disease, obesity, and a whole host of other maladies that are exacerbated by that stuffing down of genuine emotions.

Am I saying I never cry at inappropriate times?  Of course not.  I do it fairly often.  I'm the biggest softhearted thing walking the planet, because some of the most random things will make me tear up.  Hearing our National Anthem will do it instantly.  Watching the Olympics and seeing our athletes win a medal is another one.  Goofball moments of absurdity with friends will have those tears of hilarity streaming. Commercials on TV can sucker punch me without warning.  Songs on the radio, or the fragrance of a perfume or cologne worn by someone I love who has passed, old photographs, walking in the mountains, seeing someone in my family smile...the list is endless.  I have no problem at all with those types of tears.  And I agree with the lady in that commercial I mentioned at the beginning of this article....my tears do not diminish me.  They make me stronger in the long run.

Logic indicates that that commercial was slickly produced by a savvy marketing and advertising firm, with actors carefully chosen and scripts thoughtfully written to tug at our heartstrings and produce a memorable snippet.  It worked, as I've remembered that commercial for a good ten years now.  The fact that it was a manufactured moment doesn't take away from the strong truth of the statement above.  Tears are not a sign of weakness, not 100% of the time.  And even if they are, that's not necessarily a negative or reason to condemn.  It is not possible for every person to be strong every single waking moment of their life.  Balance.  I come back to that word constantly.  Balance and contrast.  Without them, we would be one dimensional, flat personalities with no depth, no color, no flair or richness to differentiate us, one from another.

So, I will take tears as a part of the price paid to be that richly textured human being.  I will smile at the fact that there is genuine beauty in a woman's tears casting a brief softening effect in the hearts of men.  There are balancing moments where a man's traits complement us as women in equally profound ways.  While obviously it is just as unhealthy to dwell eternally in a tearful state as it is to eternally suppress tears, I think there is a way to find balance here.  Simply being aware of the results of this interesting case study shines light on the fact that tears are meant to be shed, and are meant to have an effect, both on the person shedding those tears, as well as on the people nearby.

It bears repeating: 

Tears do not diminish me.  They make me stronger in the long run.

Tend your bucket!

After half a week full of interactions with various connections who displayed a strong level of negative traits and behaviors on various topics and in various ways, I had a conversation with my wonderful Mom on the phone.  As she always does, she listened, let me vent and just gave me that soft place to fall.  Once I calmed down from a rare moment of true, hot anger, we began discussing how this is one of those Life Lessons we all must learn - when to recognize that a relationship has become so out of balance that you're exhausting yourself with the maintenance of said relationship.

I mentioned to my Mom that the process begins to feel as though you're endlessly pouring water into a bucket that has a hole in the bottom.  For a while, if you work fast you can keep the water level high, but you can't ever rest.  Eventually the water level sinks and you have to rush to pour more water in.  Liken the water to your emotions, the bucket to the relationship and the hole at the bottom represents that other person, job, etc., that is in essence, draining you empty.

We all have moments, sometimes extended periods, where we aren't the best side of a given relationship.  Everyone has down times, bad days, grumpy days and low energy moments.  What I'm speaking of, however, is more than that.  I am discussing those relationships where you give and give and give, then you give some more, and you're patient, understanding, helpful, supportive, compassionate, caring and loving.  That other person is happy to soak it all up...all those wonderful things and all that sumptuous attention from you.  Who wouldn't?!  It's easy to be on the receiving end of all that nice, handy support!  If you're lucky, the majority of the people in your life are equally nurturing and supportive in return, giving you back ample amounts of the energy that you give.  Occasionally, and we all have had these types of relationships, there is that person who never gives back.

'Emotional vampire' is a term I have often used to describe this type of personality.  I wouldn't go so far as to call them 'bad', as I don't ascribe to the belief that people are completely or intrinsically evil for the most part.  I would describe them as broken vessels, or that bucket with the hole in the bottom.  Something has happened to them that has created an endless need for attention, and an utter lack of understanding of the notion of reciprocation.  'Fairweather friend' is another, similar term that would apply, as these people tend to be around and happy to bask in the sunshine of good days.  Conversely, these people tend to carry a dark storm cloud around with them! Usually, the moment adversity comes, or crisis happens, they vanish.  You hear from them when THEY are in a crisis in a heartbeat, of course, and they fully expect you to come running to their rescue.

Viewed from a calmer heart, I can write about this with humor, because it can be rather ironic to experience the extremes with these people.  Don't get me wrong, there are times when my own bucket springs a leak.  Most times when this happens, I can tend to that leak on my own and resume daily tasks.  Once in a while, the leak is rather impressive and requires some additional energy - a helping, loving hand.  I am not ashamed to reach out and ask for help at these moments, although I admit that this is a hard won lesson and wasn't easy to learn.  I am happy to say that I am blessed with loving, supportive family and friends whom I know I can depend on in times of need.  I know this because they tend to their own buckets on a daily basis.

They are well balanced and able to both give and receive love, care and support, and they are emotionally available and present in their friendships and family relationships.  Of course, no one walking the planet is perfect and without flaws.  I've said many times that it would be a sad, dull world if we were perfect.  We're here to learn and grow, after all.  Some days we soar and other days we take spectacular nose dives. 

This tending to your own personal bucket is an analogy for being responsible for your actions.  Those simple rules we're taught as a child work very well throughout life; Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You.  If you're having a day where your bucket has sprung a leak, take a moment to look at it and identify the cause.  Be kind to yourself, forgive whatever actions were done to cause the leak to occur, and then apply a steady hand to repairing the leak.  Look about you afterwards to ascertain if your leak may have caused damage to anyone else.  Did your bucket spray all over others unwittingly?  If so, acknowledging that you had a rotten day and sincerely explaining that you're sorry can be magical and healing. 

Simply be mindful of your actions.  That sounds much easier than the true reality, as we all know!  There will be days that you need that helping hand to patch the leaks on your bucket; there will be different days where you need help replenishing the water in your bucket.  There is no shame in turning to family and friends for help in recharging your heart and filling you back up with love.  The only true sadness that I find in this situation is dealing with individuals who simply take and use eternally.

When you finally reach your point of exhaustion - and you will reach it! - when you're just too tired to make one more trip to the well to pour water into that other person's bucket for them, when you are personally drained dry and cannot summon the energy to be there for them one more time, you will be ready to walk away and leave them to their own devices.  This may hurt to do it, and you will probably worry for a while about that person.  Who is filling their bucket daily?  How are they repairing all those leaks that keep springing?  What if their bucket runs dry?

The answer is, suprisingly, if any or all of the above happen, consider it a blessing for that person and an opportunity for them to finally take responsibility for their own existence.  It can be a harsh lesson to learn when your bucket is abandoned and runs dry and you're left standing there with no idea what to do next. 

If you have reached that point yourself, I encourage you to resist the urge to fall back into old habits and run to the next available person to refill your bucket and take on the task of keeping it filled.  Try filling it yourself.  Just try.  See what happens and how you feel.  Notice how much energy it takes to keep that bucket full, what with the constant rushing to and fro with another bucket to accomplish the task.  You'll quickly realize it takes a lot of energy!  Now, step back, regroup, and find a method to patch the leaks in your bucket.  Refill it with water and see how strong your patch is. 

Sometimes your patch will hold strong and true.  Other times you'll have to do it several times, just like allowing a wound to heal, before the patch finally holds.  Most of us recognize the solid sense of satisfaction that is found in tending to our own buckets.  We grow as individuals when we take these actions into our own hands, and over time, our buckets spring fewer and fewer leaks. 

I like to think at some point that they begin to morph from your garden variety galvanized bucket to something a bit more refined.  Perhaps a shinier bucket, or a crystal vase, maybe something fashioned out of elegant woven materials  - I imagine that each transformation is unique to each person and their vessel represents their personality.  My vessel would definitely be an amphorae - a pottery jar or urn of ancient Greek or Mesopotamian design.  This shape has always pleased my eye.  But I digress.

What began as a way to blow off some frustration about a relationship that I have identified as one that is no longer viable has shifted gears and journeyed to this matter of tending to your own bucket.  I recognized today that this relationship has been a successive odyssey of me filling someone else's bucket that has a huge hole in the bottom as well as multiple leaks all around it.  I recognized that I have been exhausting myself with this relationship and it is time to walk away and allow that proverbial bucket to run dry.  Its owner will either learn to tend to it, or they will not. 

The other important thought to express is that if you do allow yourself to get sucked into these one-sided relationships, while you are busy tending to that other person's bucket, your own vessel is being neglected.  The water is getting stagnant, the metal is possibly rusting, maybe the handle has become less secure.  It is imperative that we tend to ourselves, my friends!  A healthy 'home', or 'vessel' will support you and allow you to be the vital, beautiful, generous, loving Spirit that you are.  A neglected vessel will cause you to falter.  Of the many lessons sprinkled throughout this blog, perhaps this is the most dramatic to remember.  Be kind to others, of a certainty.  Express love, care, compassion, support and all other manner of emotions to those around you.  At the same time, be mindful of surrounding yourself with those who cheerfully give those emotions in return on a regular basis.  Seek balance in all things! 

In so doing, your personal bucket will stay in Tip Top condition, and your radiance will broadcast to the world around you.  I think we all want to be viewed as someone who exhibits all those wonderful traits listed above.  We all want to be appreciated for the content of our character and for the quality of our actions.  A well tended bucket makes for a healthy person!  It sounds a bit far fetched and bizarre as far as analogies go, but I find it a very sound concept.  Perhaps if you're fortunate, your diligent care of your personal bucket will attract something like this wee creature...the Lady Bug.  I find her to be a positive note to end this blog.  A cheerful nod and benediction from Mother Nature and God/Universe that your bucket is sound and and well tended.