Saturday, January 15, 2011

In the long run

Photo courtesy of
Bing images
Tears.  Crying.  The two words usually strike mortal terror in the hearts of most people.  At the very least, they cause discomfort when witnessed.  I have a habit of filing away little tidbits of thoughts in my Drafts section of Healing Morning blog for future reference.  I leave them there, sometimes for months on end, waiting for those thoughts to percolate and sift through my mind before coming together in a cohesive concept for a blog post. 

Several years ago, there was a commercial for some facial tissue company on television.  It was an unlikely "man on the street" scenario of a set of big easy chairs on a busy city street, backed by a pretty park.  The concept was for everyday people to sit down and discuss their reasons for using that particular facial tissue.  Since these tissues are most often used to stem and blot tears, these commercials concentrated on that topic.  One woman's comment stuck with me.  Paraphrased here, it was something along these lines:

"Yes, I cry.  I'm not afraid to admit it.  I will cry again, many times in the future.  But my tears do not diminish me, or weaken me.  They make me stronger in the long run."
What a powerful statement, yes?!  I found it so refreshing, as the general consensus of crying openly is looked upon as showing signs of weakness.  I have never agreed with that particular consensus and am more inclined to agree with the statement above.  When, in the hazy mists of the past, did it become standard choice to equate tears with weakness? 

From a good health standpoint, crying is a cathartic release and is much healthier for our bodies than stuffing down our feelings and ignoring sharp emotions.  Doing so can lead to all manner of health concerns, ranging from migraine headaches, to high blood pressure, ulcers, skin disorders, digestive problems, autonomic nervous system disorders such as arthritis and more.  Yet we persist in doing that very thing...suppressing genuine emotions like sadness, physical and emotional pain, fatigue. 

Another piece of this current puzzle I've been piecing together fell into place last week while I was watching one of the cable news stations.  A brief story ran mentioning that men who are exposed to women's tears for more than three minutes' time experience a dramatic, albeit temporary, drop in testosterone levels.  I found this to be of profound logic.  Think about it:  testosterone is the hormone which governs that "manly man" alpha male persona.  It also governs aggression, physical energy and sexual drive, and is an integral part of the biological makeup of man.  Women also have this hormone, although in much smaller amounts. 

What I found riveting about this study was the simple fact that merely witnessing a woman's tears causes this brief dip in testosterone levels. This would, in turn, soften that man's normally stoic demeanor, allowing him to offer comfort more easily.  Certainly most men readily admit that seeing a woman cry makes them extremely uncomfortable.  They don't know how to deal with tears, as the main requirement, as all women know, is not a physical act.  It is being present emotionally.  Men do much better with actions.  They want to identify the enemy and go out and bash its brains in, then they feel they've conquered and addressed the issue at hand. While this is somewhat of a stereotyping scenario, I am talking in general terms here, so I think stereotyping is acceptable in this sense. Tears, literally, "unman" men.  I don't necessarily find this a negative, to be honest.  I find it quite interesting that this chemical reaction was built into our physiologies.  God/Universe/Spirit, in that infinite wisdom, somehow knew there would be those moments when blazing testosterone wouldn't get the job accomplished, so a way was created to reduce that hormone, however momentarily, and allow for softer emotions and a more gentle approach to occur.

And obviously, this was a one-sided study, with only the chemical reaction of men being studied.  I daresay that women have some sort of chemical reaction when being exposed to tears as well. 

Tears are part of life.  We are emotional creatures, after all.  We feel...and in doing so, we experience and we grow.  Tears can be induced by a wide range of emotions.  Sadness, fear, pain, happiness, surprise, raw grief, nervousness, extreme hilarity....they can all prompt tears.  I have read some fascinating studies that revealed that different chemicals exist in different tears.  A study I watched on a television show over 20 years ago showed that subjects who watched sad movies had a high concentration of oxytocin in their tears.  Oxytocin, as most of us know, is the neurotransmitter that is responsible for maternal and partner bonding.  Not surprisingly, tears prompted by anger had higher content of testosterone.  Tears prompted by laughter had higher levels of serotonin.  In light of these findings, it is dramatically clear how truly healthy shedding tears really is.

I admit that I'm not a fan of crying in business settings.  I don't want to be viewed as weak or helpless in that environment, so it is very rare that I succumb to tears in the workplace.  Even though I know that some people can't help reacting to stressful situations with tears, it is a harsh truth that this reaction is viewed as exhibiting weakness.  This is unfortunate, but it is a widespread unspoken attitude in the business world.  No small surprise, then, that so many people in the corporate world suffer from heart disease, obesity, and a whole host of other maladies that are exacerbated by that stuffing down of genuine emotions.

Am I saying I never cry at inappropriate times?  Of course not.  I do it fairly often.  I'm the biggest softhearted thing walking the planet, because some of the most random things will make me tear up.  Hearing our National Anthem will do it instantly.  Watching the Olympics and seeing our athletes win a medal is another one.  Goofball moments of absurdity with friends will have those tears of hilarity streaming. Commercials on TV can sucker punch me without warning.  Songs on the radio, or the fragrance of a perfume or cologne worn by someone I love who has passed, old photographs, walking in the mountains, seeing someone in my family smile...the list is endless.  I have no problem at all with those types of tears.  And I agree with the lady in that commercial I mentioned at the beginning of this article....my tears do not diminish me.  They make me stronger in the long run.

Logic indicates that that commercial was slickly produced by a savvy marketing and advertising firm, with actors carefully chosen and scripts thoughtfully written to tug at our heartstrings and produce a memorable snippet.  It worked, as I've remembered that commercial for a good ten years now.  The fact that it was a manufactured moment doesn't take away from the strong truth of the statement above.  Tears are not a sign of weakness, not 100% of the time.  And even if they are, that's not necessarily a negative or reason to condemn.  It is not possible for every person to be strong every single waking moment of their life.  Balance.  I come back to that word constantly.  Balance and contrast.  Without them, we would be one dimensional, flat personalities with no depth, no color, no flair or richness to differentiate us, one from another.

So, I will take tears as a part of the price paid to be that richly textured human being.  I will smile at the fact that there is genuine beauty in a woman's tears casting a brief softening effect in the hearts of men.  There are balancing moments where a man's traits complement us as women in equally profound ways.  While obviously it is just as unhealthy to dwell eternally in a tearful state as it is to eternally suppress tears, I think there is a way to find balance here.  Simply being aware of the results of this interesting case study shines light on the fact that tears are meant to be shed, and are meant to have an effect, both on the person shedding those tears, as well as on the people nearby.

It bears repeating: 

Tears do not diminish me.  They make me stronger in the long run.

19 comments:

  1. Tears are beautiful, healing and at the same time filled with various emotions. I cry and am not afraid of it. A freedom from the inner turmoil or an expression of love.

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  2. Tears do not diminish me. They make me stronger in the long run.

    Worth remembering.

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  3. I agree with you! Tears are part of life. Nothing feels better after you've had a good cry!

    Thanks for sharing!
    Nelieta

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  4. I find tears of joy refreshing...it allows the light in...but the tears of sadness that do not seem to end..brings on more sadness more despair..I believe in choice to a point..I also believe sometimes we do not have a choice...I find choosing to look at the light even when tears of sadness are falling creates chaos inside....just my experience...As always..XOXOXO

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  5. Tears are so healing. Whenever I see my clients fighting it, I hand them a box of tissues, and tell them to let it out.
    Mary

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  6. Wow, this one really struck a common chord for everyone!

    Savira, what a beautiful statement you made: "A freedom from the inner turmoil or an expression of love." What deep wisdom you offer, dear one. Much love to you!

    Jim, it's definitely worth remembering! Funny that a commercial could have such lasting impact, hmm? I find truth in the most mundane spots, sometimes. Namaste', my friend. :)

    Nelieta, I think your name is just beautiful. Thank you for taking time to visit, read and share your comments with me.

    Bongo, I'm sorry that you're experiencing chaos inside in the manner you described. We're all different in the way we handle emotions. I don't think it's necessary to attempt to split your focus when you're feeling true emotions that cause sadness, particularly if it does make you feel chaotic inside. I'm more a proponent of focusing on that actual moment, honoring the emotions and processing through them. There are no right or wrong answers or methods, which is the beauty of this Earth School we're all on, I think.

    Miss Mary, more strong wisdom from you! Yep, it's definitely a very loving thing to give people the space and respect of letting them just feel what they are feeling. How many times have we all been chastised for simply showing a true emotional response? I like your style, sweetie! <3

    Namaste' to you all. <3

    Dawn

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  7. I know I tear up quite easily too. It is such a nice release of emotion.

    One thing I've noticed about me, though, is that it's also kind of an anger short circuit, so to speak.

    I've found that, when I'm getting *really* ticked off, I suddenly start crying and it lets almost all of the anger out.

    I remember one time I was getting a massive runaround from the cable company, so much so that I was really getting angry. I had a hard time holding it back until I was off the phone, though I just let loose afterwards.

    It does make me wonder what would happen if it didn't short circuit, though.

    Another great post, my friend!

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  8. Dave, thanks for the kind words! I've gotten that angry only two times in a work situation, where tears were perilously close to the surface. I remember it making me even MORE angry at the time. LOL...emotions are such a chaotic thing to handle. But as you indicated, thank goodness we have them, so that our heads don't explode from supressing our feelings!

    ~ Dawn

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  9. Hello Dawn, it is so good to read your words again. I have been visiting so many blogs to smile and say hello. Yes, tears come, wash us, humanize us and heal us...if we allow them to. Even more so when we allow ourselves to weep together. Thank you for such a beautiful post.

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  10. Hi Marilyn, and thank you for the kind words! This post is one I've been ruminating on, the basic premise of the dialogue spoken in that commercial, for years. Funny how something like that can be impactful enough to stick with you for so many years down the road. Even better is when sharing thoughts in this manner touches other hearts. That is why I write, so thank you for the lovely affirmation of your comment!

    Namaste',

    Dawn

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  11. Tears are indeed a cathartic release, and healthier for our bodies than stuffing down emotions. I once read a book about the connection between disease and bottled up feelings. But I’d never heard that different chemicals are in different tears, triggered by varying emotions. Interesting study. Engaging post Dawn. I cry at least once a week, not necessarily out of sadness, but sometimes out of joy and the overwhelming reality of how blessed I am.

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  12. Hi Debra, and thank you for taking time to leave such a thoughtful comment! The science part that focused on the chemical content of our tears was fascinating, I agree w/ you. I've remembered it all these years. The same concept would apply, I would think, to our thoughts and how they vibrate and resonate throughout our bodies. Dr. Masaru Emoto has done all those incredibly interesting experiments showing how thoughts affect water molecules. If we poke around enough, things eventually come full circle.

    I think allowing tears to flow, from whatever emotional trigger, is beautifully healthy and I commend you for honoring yourself and your body in that manner. I bet your aura is extremely clean! :)

    Namaste',

    Dawn

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  13. My Mom always said there is no shame in crying, even Jesus wept. Loved your post, excellent read.

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  14. Barbara, thank you for visiting, reading and leaving a wonderful comment! :) Tears are most definitely not something to assign shame to, although our western society loves to do so. I got teary twice today, once w/ tears of laugther and once from something that was so profoundly touching I simply couldn't help but tear up. I think both were absolutely healthy reactions. :)

    Namaste',

    Dawn

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  15. Tears cleanse your soul and sometimes are necessary. Lately I've been a little more emotional, where I can get teary-eyed at certain shows and even commercials. But I just view it as being more in tune with my spiritual side, not a lot of people can say the same.

    http://mbrsociety.org

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  16. Nice article Dawn and oh so true.

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  17. Michele, commercials will sucker punch me everytime! And I am not the least bit embarrassed to admit it, or allow that moment to occur. Usually the misty moment is followed by a chuckle at my own sentimentality, and both are healthy. :) Thank you for taking time to visit, read and leave a great comment!

    Scott, welcome to Healing Morning! I'll be visiting your page in return & looking forward to getting to know you better. I'm glad you enjoyed what you found here today!

    Namaste',

    Dawn

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  18. I am not ashamed to cry, I understand it and embrace it when it comes. Just this Sunday at church during worship I shed tears, not tears of sadness, but tears of gratitude that God loves me so much! Yes, tears are a good thing, even if scientists said it was bad, I would beg to differ! Great topic and wonderful writing Dawn, I so enjoy your Blog!

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  19. Hi Ed! I'm so happy to hear the male perception on this topic. You and several other men have weighed in on this post and I appreciate your opinions. I find myself disagreeing quite often with the prevailing scientific reports, particularly when they're espousing a rigid, one dimensional result. Real life experiences are usually my yardstick for forming an educated opinion. Tears are definitely a good thing and it's nice to hear a man offer that thought! I'm glad you enjoyed this post and my blog in general. Thank you, my friend!

    ~ Dawn

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