Gratitude Moments, Vol. II, November 2012

Photo:  www.innerworkingsresources.com

Occasionally, you have a difficult day.  Or a difficult week.  Sometimes it can stretch into a month or longer.  During such times, it's challenging to recognize the positives and the blessings that abound.  I'm having a week that has been populated with a couple of less-than-pleasant experiences, and in order to avoid dwelling on the negative energies, I decided to dwell in gratitude.  This is the second in my Gratitude Moments series, and as I sit here to begin writing, I have no idea what thoughts will flow from my hands.  Let's take the journey together....

Gratitude Moments

1. Finding that perfect gift for that perfect someone when you weren't even looking. (I do this throughout the year and squirrel things away for birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas/Hanukka.)
2. Sharing time with someone special where no words are necessary, and the silence is comfortable.
3. Breathing in crisp, fall morning air, stung slightly by wood smoke and evergreens.
4. Learning a new word.  This one never fails to delight me!
5. Creating with my hands. Whether it's writing, painting, sketching, knitting or crocheting, or any other tactile expression, the ability to create with my hands lifts my heart and gives voice to unspoken emotions.
6. Front porches with porch swings, rocking chairs and gliders.  
7. Being far from home and hearing the cadence and liquid lazy vowel sounds of my home region.  That region is the southeastern United States.  East Tennessee, to be specific.
8. Speaking of East Tennessee, my heart always expands in joy when I am in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park, absorbing the incredible energies that exist in my beloved mountains.
9. Sitting next to a river and listening to the music of rushing water.
10. The scent of Crayons™, before they meddled with the formula recently.  That scent used to be a favorite.  Maybe someday they'll return to the original formula.  
11. Feeling your Soul sink into that other person with an instant sense of Homecoming.
12. Walking in a field during morning hours in the slow, heavy heat of a summer day and hearing the world waking up....winds whispering softly, fat bees droning from flower to flower, birds calling forth the sun.
13. The complex fabric of a large, noisy, loving family.  Myriad aunts, uncles and cousins who know you to the depth of your Soul, and love you unconditionally.
14. A brand new journal with fresh, empty white pages, waiting to be filled with words, images and the journeys of an agile mind.
15. Granny Smith apples.  
16. Climbing into a freshly made bed and reveling the sensation of clean sheets.
17. Red plum jelly.  This one is a rarity - I seldom find it in grocery stores.
18. Tying a length of string into a circle and creating shapes from childhood such as Jacob's Ladder, Cat's Cradle, etc.  
19. Blackberry cobbler made by my Mom.
20. Waking up naturally, without an alarm clock!
21. Puttering in the kitchen with that special someone.
22. Meditation.
23. Eye sight, both physical and spiritual, to write these thoughts and to recognize them.

I stopped at twenty-three.  This list took exactly 7 minutes to flow from my hands, with each thought springing effortlessly forward.  I didn't know what each new thought would be, yet each one prompted a smile and a lifting of my heart.  Challenges still exist in my life, and the journey of this current week is still a bit of a confused jumble.  What exercising gratitude moments gives me is the opportunity to step above the difficulties that Life hands out on a regular basis.  

I often quote jewels of wisdom from my maternal Grandmother, my Granny Reagan.  She had a very challenging life, stifled in virtually every way imaginable, yet she continued to harbor wisdom and gentle guidance to all of her grandchildren (27 of us).  I remember, very clearly, one specific comment she shared quite often:

"An obstacle is nothing more than a platform to step UP on, gain a more clear view and understanding of your surroundings, and step OFF of, to propel yourself forward."                - Alpha Celestia Nelson Reagan

So, I'm reminding myself of those words of wisdom and recognizing that the current obstacles I'm experiencing are giving me as yet unseen opportunities.  The first step to that realization is recognizing the difference between obstacle and opportunity.  

For those of you who visit me here regularly, take time for Gratitude Moments and see how instantly the process changes your state of mind.  Blessings constantly abound; we just have to be willing to take time to truly see them.  Namaste'.   

Whence they came

http://fr.freepik.com/photos-libre/plumes-les-poules-plum-plumes-482314.htm

  I often ponder the process of writing and my mind's eye always conjures a mental image of a symphony of sorts, where music, color, texture and emotion all come together in a tapestry.  There is the scientific fact that our brains produce electrical energy, and that each thought and spoken word is eternal.  Radio waves translate our human thoughts into a different type of electrical current that goes out into the cosmos to linger there forever.

When we create, we produce something tangible, born out of our deepest selves.  It's an effort to express the inexpressible.  I don't know that we ever truly can match the wordless images in our minds, but occasionally all the planets align and we hit that sweet spot.  I have experienced a small handful of those moments, when I sit back after reading something I wrote and feel an immense satisfaction that I communicated those inner feelings properly.

In this lifetime, I believe that I was destined to write.  I learned to read at the very young age of three, with daily visits to my maternal grandparents who lived next door to us.  Local banks used to hand out yearly calendars with small gold painted pencils in a clip at the top of the calendar.  My grandmother found those small pencils the ideal size for my wee hands to manipulate.  I would visit in the morning and she and I would make the walk to the mailbox together, stopping frequently along the lengthy driveway to investigate various wonders.  Upon returning with the daily newspaper for my grandfather to read, I would sit on my Granny's lap and she would go through the alphabet with me on scraps of paper.  We would then take sections of the newspaper after Grandpa had finished reading them, and I would learn words from the articles, then I would write short sentences with those small gold painted pencils in the white spaces between the articles.  Pulling recognized words together, Granny and I would create a short story.  I would then transfer my small self over to my Grandpa's lap to read to him what I had created, laboriously trailing my tiny finger over the scribbled words.  By the time I started kindergarten, I had a firm grasp of the rudiments of reading and writing.

I don't believe I've ever looked back since then.  I remember having an almost overpowering urge to read, read, read....everything I could get my hands on.  Throughout elementary and high school years, I wrote many a report and essay, but it didn't occur to me that this would be something from which to create a career.  For some reason, because writing came so easily to me, I didn't consider it as a career option.  It took me a good stretch of years in many iterations of industries to begin retracing my roots and coming back to those elements of childhood.

These days, I am comfortably at home again, deep in the embrace of words and the process of writing.  I write both for work and for personal satisfaction.  I never find a tedium to it.  There are certainly times when the Muse abandons me and I go for long stretches of time remaining silent.  Those stretches of time feel somewhat odd, as though a part of me is missing, but I have learned to not push the process.  Those stretches of silence are necessary, and allow me to tend to other areas of my life for a while.  I come back to the world of writing refreshed and renewed, and the words flow again with color and texture and energy.

This recent renewal cycle, air was my Muse.  The flow of it, how it can whip and tear at the earth, how it can paint patterns upon water, sand, rock and metal.  It can carve expression lines into every object on the planet, given enough time.  This is what came out of my fingertips....

I sat, isolated
looking inwardly

my focus on the cadence of my breath

and the wind teased
prompting me to lift my eyes

and regard the dance before me

my mind stepped up
into the sky

taking bites of the air
plucking harmonies and weaving them

into gossamer, silver-shot plumes
...and leaving them dancing there

whence they came

punctuating the autumn day
with a curious level 

of strength

my own
like unto the wind

invisible

until applied with sureness
carving indelible expressions

emotions from depths

that shape who I am

emotional currents
...revealing in my eyes...wisdom

from a well of experiences
....breath, life, peace...dreams...

swirling now

eddying across my soul
presenting my true Self

....whence it came?

rich and gossamer
silver-shot plumes

...dancing in the air

Three Years

Today, September 25, 2012 is the three year anniversary for Healing Morning blog! I almost overlooked it, as today was a typically busy day.  I happened to scroll down and see the widget that tracks my blog-i-versary and sure enough, today was the big day!

Three years seems such a short time.  In some ways, I've lived many lifetimes in that short span.  I've met incredibly gifted blog writers and formed beautiful friendships.  The blogging world is vast, and I'm thrilled when I look at my blog stats and see that I have a truly global readership.  That phenomenon never ceases to  fascinate and amaze me, that people the world round follow my writing and look forward to my articles.

Writers write, just as musicians create music, artists create art, athletes achieve physical feats.  Each of us seek to express ourselves in our unique manner.  Secretly, we hope others will find our work pleasing and worthy of attention, yet many of us tend to squirm and wrestle with any large amount of recognition.

It's a curious thing, embracing a level of transparency with my writing.  I've said it over and over in these past three years, that when I write something that really exposes my true self, when I write something that pushes the envelope on a spiritual level and uncovers sides of me that up until that point had remained safely hidden and protected....those are the articles that always receive the strongest and most positive responses.  In becoming a blogger, I've learned to trust my gut instincts and bravely rip away layers of protection, walls that used to be high and thick.  I have grown in friendship and in self-knowledge and I expect that both of these will continue to flourish.

I find a sense of personal joy with my writing here.  Healing Morning is where I come to express random thoughts and concepts that don't fit into my business writing.  It is here that I give free rein to whimsy, to laughter, to tears, to strength, to weakness and every emotion that exists.  You who visit and take time to read my thoughts, and then go that extra step to leave wonderful comments - I wish I could find words to express how much I appreciate each of you.  You add to the experience of my writing, adding your unique strokes of color and brightness to the canvas that I paint with my words.

To each of you:

Namaste'....meaning,

"I honor the place within you where the entire Universe resides; I honor the place within you of love, of light, of truth, of peace; I honor the place within you, where, when you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, there is only one of us."

Thank you for visiting.  I look forward to celebrating many more years of writing, blogging and fellowship.

- Dawn

Grasshopper Thoughts, Vol. VI September 2012

It's been ages since I last grasshoppered, so it's definitely time to embrace the concept again!  Grasshoppering is cathartic, after all, so here I go....

• The great debate of ketchup vs mustard on French fries exists in my world.  Mustard, you say?  Yes, I do!  Ketchup is usually a bit too sugary for my taste.  So I usually have a puddle of each on my plate when I indulge in French fries. There is also the odd occasion where I have either sour cream or mayonnaise with French fries, but that's a whole other debate.
• Whomever invented the little plastic prison to capture shavings on pencil sharpeners, you're my official Hero. And whomever finally incorporated that concept into sharpeners for cosmetic eye and lip liner pencils, Bravo!  I applaud your brilliance.  
• I was looking at river rocks the other day.  What is it about their smoothly tumbled, pleasing to the touch surface that makes me so happy?  Perhaps it's just that.  They're simple and beautiful.  Dreamy in variations of colors, usually.  I have a silver bowl full on my desk that I've collected over a lifetime.  The newest one is a pale, gentle peachy shade and is blobby in shape.  It fits beautifully into the palm of my hand.
• I have a weakness for dimples.  There, I said it.  If you're a man with dimples, and you smile at me, I'm going to get a wee bit giddy.  There's not a whit of logic to it.  Dimples just flutter me, and with one person in particular, they tend to short circuit my brain for a microsecond or two. This is not a bad thing, btw. :)
• Vinegar is awesome!  Apple cider vinegar, rice wine vinegar, balsamic vinegar, plain old white kitchen vinegar....I love them all.  Wonderful for toxin-free cleaning, but even more so for cooking.  The more tart, sour, tangy, the better, in my opinion.  As I mentioned with ketchup, I'm not a big fan of things overly sweet.  
• And vinegar gives us pickles!  So, obviously, it follows that I'm a pickle person.  Sour, tart, crunchy, savory.  Just the scent of pickling liquid makes my mouth water.  Being southern, I have to give a special nod to that delightful treat of pickled okra.  If you haven't tried it, don't knock it!  I promise you, it's delicious!!!  :)
• Snort-larfing.  You know you do it occasionally!  I did it recently over a random comment at my family reunion.  It wasn't a quiet one, either.  No, it was a full fledged, less-than-feminine full out snort-larf.  Sometimes life is just that funny.
• We're moving into the fall months here in East Tennessee, and cooler mornings, milder temps during the day, lower humidity and promise of fall color in the Smoky Mountains are upon us.  I love this time of year!

Ahhh....much better.  Now my noggin is a bit more clear of clutter.  If only I could incorporate this into housecleaning!  Alas, it will never happen.  Grasshoppering is relegated to my mental faculties.  The writing process of grasshoppering is fun, though.  The recent summer months have been challenging for many of us, myself included, so there is merit in the occasional post that addresses a moment of whimsy.  

Quiet Tribute

*I wrote this article in 2012, and feel that it still speaks my heart and my perspective on the day this tragedy struck my country.  It is my way of paying tribute and remembering those who fell that day.  - S. Dawn Sievers*

I was taking a shower that morning, and heard the phone ringing.  I didn't think much of it, as I had plans to meet a girlfriend for lunch later that day.  I finished showering, decided to dry my hair before listening to the answering machine message.  But the phone rang again, and yet again, encouraging me to stop everything and answer the call. It was my girlfriend telling me the USA had been attacked, that a plane had hit one of the Towers of the World Trade Center and another one had gone down in a field somewhere in Pennsylvania, and equally nightmarish - a living nightmare - was the news that our Pentagon had also suffered an attack....all of this happening within a very short span of time on the clock of that September morning.

This was difficult to even picture or fathom, because this type of thing just doesn't happen to America.  Or, it didn't.  Up until that day, our country had lived in a unique bubble, safe and never assailed by outside forces in this modern age.  The bubble was broken that day.

I turned the TV on and watched, horrified.  The second plane hit the second of the World Trade Center Towers before my eyes and the eyes of the whole world.  Comprehension and terrible understanding sank in.  As I left my house to drive over to my girlfriend's house, I noticed the absolute hush over the day.  Some of this hush was due to all airplanes except for military being grounded, but it was more than that.

There was a hush in nature.  

No birds were singing.  I remember that very clearly, and I stood outside listening for a good 15 minutes, looking around me, but the sounds of nature were silent.  My home at the time was surrounded by heavy tracts of woods, so there were always the sounds of birds chirping.  But not that day.  It was silent outside.  There was no breeze.  Just a still hush over the world that was palpable.  I will never forget how it felt, as though the world was holding its breath for the people who perished that day.

I spent the day getting in touch with everyone I love the most, making sure they were safe.  There was an intrinsic need to connect with them, and I learned I was not alone in that need.  Phone lines and computer servers were overloaded with extremely high levels of activity that day.  I grieved at what a great loss we had incurred and struggled to make sense of it.  There is no sense to be garnered, obviously.  The only positive thing I can take from it is that we survived it.  Our country survived, but thousands of innocent people died.  This many years later, the memories are still vivid and fresh, and for many....still raw.

I've read other people's thoughts of where they were that day. I was in Knoxville, Tennessee, living my very ordinary life, safe and far from harm's way.  That prompted me to share my memories and what still stands out so strongly in my memory was how quiet the day became.  For those who believe this planet is inanimate, without reaction to tragic events, I would hold that memory out as an example of the exact opposite.

I felt the earth react and give quiet tribute to the ones who left us.

And the dance continues....

Photo:  www.splittree.org

"You need to blog about this, Dawn."

A good amount of inspiration for my blog posts here at Healing Morning come from conversations with friends.  The conversation from this week was a delicate one, dealing with the way that we react within the parameters of a personal relationship.  My comment to my girlfriend was that the majority of my life, I've been fairly calm, even-natured, and on an even keel.  This applied to me in past relationships, which is why the current situation I'm in regularly throws me for a loop!  I find myself....I said this in my last blog post....greeting myself in ways that I would never have predicted.  And in the process of figuring this out, conversations take place, and friends encourage me to write about the topic.  So, here I am, discussing this greeting of myself.

What does that mean....greeting myself?  It means discovering reactions and behaviors that literally stun me, because they're so dramatically opposite to what I have come to know of myself.  Relationships are crafty things with how they hold up a very clear mirror to show us who we are at our core.  And certain relationships, the really good ones...the ones that push us to grow, those are the ones that hold up the biggest, clearest mirrors.  Those are the ones that uncover heretofore hidden sides of us that really needed to be revealed.

What have I learned about myself most recently?  Well, one thing that wasn't new is still there.  I have a stubborn side that kicks in strongly.  But that's not something that I'm learning from.  Instead, the surprising areas are the ones that are Ego driven....and that are seated in Fear.  I have watched myself in the last several months of being around this new person.  So much of the experiences are wonderful.  Fun, exciting, new, touching.  But along with all of that newness and excitement comes Fear.  We can't escape it.  It's part and parcel of allowing that new person to get close to us on that elemental level.  THAT part is not fun.  Not to me.  It means I have to allow myself, and even force myself to be vulnerable.

It also means I have to force myself to be strong.  I'm a Fixer.  I want the whole wide world to be happy and content.  And I will sacrifice my own well-being to make sure others are happy first.  That's not healthy, as I'm sure any of you reading this are thinking.  I agree with you.  It's a very big fault that I've been working on most of my life.  That's where forcing myself to be strong comes in.  That's where I have to stand up for myself and establish boundaries.  That's where I have to honor myself and insist on mutual respect.  Sounds easy, yes?  Well, it's seriously challenging on any given day for me!  Downright painful at times, I admit it. Boundaries and establishing them in a fair manner within a relationship is something I am still learning.

So, as I grow in response to this new person in my orbit, I am discovering some traits that have lain dormant for most of my life. And they are rarely attractive traits. My stubborn side usually brings them kicking to life and then things come out of my mouth that catch me off guard.  Did I really just say that?!  Have I always felt that way?!  Where the heck did that come from?!  I learned many years ago that when I react with instant anger or defensiveness, that's a spot that needs some digging into.  Because the reflexive anger and defensiveness are hiding a long covered wound.

I tend to be more inwardly focused than some.  From a very early age, I noticed negative cycles that existed within my family dynamic.  Those cycles caused a great deal of pain to everyone, and I was determined to find a way to break those cycles.  I began to research and investigate and study.  I found out why we repeat patterns of an emotional content.  I found out why we attract the same types of people over and over.  And I learned my own patterns.  You'd think this much research and educating of self would produce a woman who has it all together, yes?  Nope.  I'm as human as the rest of the world and I'm not ashamed to say I've spent many a year bumbling my way through relationships.  I also admit that I found a level of security and safety in studying the clinical aspect of emotions.  That gave me distance and I didn't have to engage on those levels as much.  But that sneaky organ, my heart, was always there and I wasn't immune to the trials and tribulations of love.

I won't bore you all with my personal relationship history.  My point here, today, is to focus on the fact that when we react violently....in fear, anger, defensiveness or any other negative emotion, that is hiding something crucial to our emotional growth.  We can ignore it and continue to stay rooted in those old patterns, but I've never been a proponent of hiding from the obvious once it jumps up and bites me on the nose.  Once something becomes clear to me on a personal level that oh, wow, THAT was an extreme reaction, Dawn, then it's time to do some hard work.  I start sifting through the layers until I reach what I feel is the core of that specific fear.  It's not pleasant sometimes, but the more I do it, the more I learn about myself, and the easier it is for me to process through the emotions and the realizations.  When I'm given a safe environment and an understanding person to bounce these realizations off of, I am able to jettison the behaviors that are fear laden and unnecessary.  It is surprisingly simple, once you take that deep breath and plunge inward.  It's sometimes messy, because those hidden, old wounds can be nasty to confront, but as with anything, the first step is the most scary.  With repetition, it becomes easier and more efficient.

I'm very fortunate with this new person in that there is a support, a lack of judgment, and a level of curiosity to listen when I work my way through the why's of my sometimes surprising reactions.  He might not always agree, or see things the way that I do, but he listens and respects the conclusions I come to.  Often, he offers insights that flip a new light bulb of clarity on over my fair head.  That's rare and I am quite aware that I'm lucky to meet this person.  Something that is somewhat humorous is when I think I've behaved in a very over the top, borderline unacceptable manner, I am regularly told that no, that moment hadn't really made that much of a blip on his radar.  Well, huh.  That's when I have to laugh at how overly seriously I tend to take myself!  It's new stuff to me, on an emotional level in relationship with this other person, so it feels large and overwhelming.  Sometimes it IS large, but a great deal of the time, it really isn't.  I'm learning that as well, that it's not all huge, scary and insurmountable.  Much of it is small and easily dispatched, but it does require effort and looking oneself in the eye with absolute honesty.

So, it's a journey, this process of growing in respect to allowing someone close.  Close to the heart.  Close enough to matter.  Close enough to hurt.  All of those have happened.  I expect more of the same will happen over time, as it's the ones who matter the most who can hurt us the most.  Perhaps not intentionally, but that's the power we place in that other person's hands when we open up our heart.  The key part to remember is that they're allowing us the same power in return.  I think we forget that important part; I know I do.  I have another girlfriend who constantly reminds me that I'm not the only one who has uncertainties, doubts and insecurities.  Men are chock full of the same whirling emotions as women; they just tend to store them away in a different manner than we do.

I'm learning that I've had some hidden traits that aren't pretty.  Some of them have truly surprised me.  I was rigid and inflexible in some areas that were downright unrealistic, but they hadn't ever been triggered before.  I had to live the experiences first, before I knew they existed in my psyche. Then I could address them and decide whether they served a good purpose.  Usually, they didn't.  Another thing that I've been fortunate in has been that this person is giving me not only what I call that Soft Place to Fall when things are sad, bad or scary, but this person is giving me an equal amount of respect and allowing me to express anger and frustration, doubts and other negative emotions.  That's a new experience for me.  Being allowed to express genuine, valid negative emotions freely has been a very new, slightly uncomfortable thing, but ultimately, it has been freeing.  I'm being given freedom to express anger!  I'm being given space to be irritated and irritable.  And I'm still accepted and appreciated at the end of the day.  Again....huh.  What a concept.  What an experience, this process of being in a truly adult exchange where respect is given and received.

Another big truth is that in the process of addressing these once dormant traits that pop up, I don't always express myself in the best way, the first time.  The first time of giving it voice, I almost always say it in a way, that to my ears, is too forward, too harsh or demanding.  I hate that!!  It happens because those wounds are created in our childhood, and when they get dredged back up, we tend to emote and give them voice from that same emotional age where they were inflicted.  I.e, we come across as though we're throwing a tantrum of sorts.  But I learn from it, and I consciously shift my emotional awareness into adult mentality. As I learn, I shear off the rough edges of this new discovery and I shape what remains into a mature strength and a Life Skill.  A new tool that does serve a good purpose.

In time, I hope that I'll find a way to give these new discoveries a softer presentation, but for now, they don't always come out that way.  In some ways, I'm like a newborn foal finding her feet, wobbling about and staggering before my knees lock and I stand straight.  And I'm learning that even when I do present this new knowledge with more volume than necessary, the sky doesn't fall.  I also learn more about myself and that other person as a result.  I've said it over and over - the way we choose to react to a given set of circumstances is how we define ourselves to the world.

The Persian poet-philosopher, Rumi, constantly captures my heart and imagination with his thoughts, written hundreds of years past.  This quote applies to today's post:

Don't look for me in a human shape,
I am inside your looking.

I'm finding that Universal Truth that this new person is mirroring the Me that I've worked so hard to become.  Things are far from perfect with this new experience, mind you.  There are challenges all over the place, and we're both doing that awkward dance that people do as they learn one another. Plus, what's life without a little drama?  I would rather live out loud in bright splashes of color than drudge along, cloaked in muffling shades of gray.

We're learning a new language, in effect.  The way we each express ourselves, the way we each react emotionally, our senses of humor, our intellect....all of that creates a language unique to us that the other has to learn.  And as we learn that other person in all their depth and glory, we get triggered in surprising emotional ways.  We react in ways that shock us and that other person.  If we're lucky, that other person finds our own depths and glory to be worth the stumbles, fumbles and outright flubs, and they stick around to see what will happen next.  They embrace us for who we are and they ask the same of us.  And the dance continues.....

Surveying the wreckage

Photo:  ansil.tumblr.com

In the last 2-3 months, I've had a decidedly eventful life.  At face value, that sounds exciting, doesn't it?  It hasn't been.  It's been interesting, yes, and I've certainly grown in ways I would never have predicted or imagined prior to these events, but none of it was exciting.  Epiphanies were the by product of these events.  The following is a comment I left on the blog post of my dear friend, Debra El Ramey (http://debrasblogpureandsimple.blogspot.com/2012/07/inch-by-inch.html):

"I found this interesting. It would be simple to say that I am writing my own manuscripts with hopes of being published, and that is true. What came to mind, however, is that I am releasing some layers of armor that no longer serve me. And the realization came from a very harsh, unexpected lesson - the death of a loved one polarized everything in my life and from that one breath to the next, I was forever changed. I recognized that something that had been valid, important and very passionately necessary to me one day simply became unimportant in one powerful blow. I am now surveying the wreckage of some vestiges of ego and processing and learning who I am now, afterwards.  And I do believe I have the genesis of my next blog post.
I never cease to marvel at how I greet myself anew when I visit here, Debra."
Debra's post:  http://debrasblogpureandsimple.blogspot.com/2012/07/inch-by-inch.html         *I encourage you to visit Debra's wonderful blog!*

Those who know me well might be surprised to learn that I'm stubborn.  I am.  I admit it freely.  I don't know if I'm more stubborn than most, or if I'm just more vocal about it when need be.  What I do question about my stubbornness is if I subsequently require a more dramatic set of lessons in order to be awakened to what should otherwise be obvious to my pea brain.  These recent epiphanies came on the heels of some very hard and harsh experiences.

In May of this year (2012), I went through a series of car calamities that grew progressively worse, with one event being a near miss where I could easily have died.  My back right tire exploded in rush hour traffic, literally lifting my car up in the air, then throwing my car directly into the oncoming lane where I should have been hit head on by a monster truck and three other cars.  Somehow, they all swerved and avoided me and I managed to wrestle my car back into the proper lane without hitting anyone or being hit.  There was a lesson in that experience - a big one, and I'm still processing it.  Mere weeks later, my car finally bit the dust.  This experience happened on the heels of a personal situation that, at the time, was driving me to near distraction.  The resulting epiphany was quite dramatic and gave me the opportunity to walk in that other person's (the other person in that relationship) shoes and know and feel immediately what that person had been attempting to communicate to me.  So, two similar lessons layered one atop the other and kicked me into a new state of awareness with a rather brutal boot.

Fast forward to July of this year (2012) and I lost a family member to suicide.  What has come to mind, in the days since, is that I am releasing some layers of armor that no longer serve me. This realization came from the very harsh, unexpected lesson of the death of that loved one.  It polarized everything in my life and from that one breath to the next, I was forever changed. I recognized that something that had been valid, important and very passionately necessary to me one day simply became unimportant in one powerful blow. I am now surveying the wreckage of some vestiges of ego and processing and learning who I am now, afterwards.  As you can see, this is the comment I wrote above, on Debra's blog post Comments section.

Those valid issues that held such importance to me are still valid, and I daresay I will revisit them in the future to assess their new level of importance.  But right now, today, I am changed.  I came to a swift, blinding rush of realization, courtesy of the finality that sudden death of a loved one brings.  I remember reflecting on the decision I had made the day before, a very permanent, final, tough decision.  It ended a relationship that was important to me, that decision.  At the time, I fully, firmly believed I was making the right choice for myself.  I still believe that. At that moment in time, it was the right decision to make.  But after I lost a loved one to suicide, I was made bluntly aware that the person I was when I made that dramatic decision no longer existed.

It's fair to say we change with each tick of the clock. It's a minute splitting of hairs, if we want to go down that spiral of thought.  It does apply here, that splitting of hairs. I received a fateful phone call that someone I loved took their own life, and the world changed for me in that jagged flash of words.  As I went through the grief process, I reflected on the fact that nothing I could do...no decision I could make would make a difference with that equation. Nothing could bring my loved one back.  All I had power over was myself and the decisions and choices I make.  And I was made dramatically aware that that hard line choice I had made the day before, the one that had felt so strongly right and valid, was no longer a truth for me.

So, rather than inch by inch of progress, as Debra's blog speaks of, I began to peel layer by layer away of my old self.  I stood and surveyed the wreckage of where my Ego firmly planted itself, hand in hand with Pride and Fear, and made a defiant stand.  Those noble flags of Self no longer flew with bright colors on the landscape of my soul.  Instead, they rested quietly on veritable flag poles, waiting to be lowered, folded and tucked away, as they were simply no longer necessary.

In the process of finding my feet, finding my balance in this new existence, I've mentioned to a couple of people that in the last 6 - 8 months, I've been greeting myself in ways that I would never have predicted.  Relationships do that....they provide a very clear mirror for us to see who we are, to see our behaviors and if we're smart, they provide clarity for us to make necessary changes.  I've been experiencing that very thing and I'm not ashamed to admit that I didn't always like what that mirror showed me.  Living in Ego is something we all do and it's a very human behavior.  It....living in Ego, can be defined, also, as living in Fear.  That is a behavior that I work on constantly to mitigate in myself, with an eye towards cutting repetitive, negative cycles that serve no other purpose but to hold me back.

A little more than a month later, I am still adapting to this new Self.  I am also continuing to greet myself within the auspices of this relationship that shapes me on a constant basis.  I like the changes that are taking place; I like the level of communication that is being fostered on both sides.

There is value in being broken down; I think most of us recognize this fact. Remaining in a rigid mindset might feel comfortable and familiar, but the freedom that breaking free of those inflexible walls offers is a joyful thing to experience.  I'm breathing differently....more deeply....more confidently.  I am looking at myself and others with new eyes.

And I'm climbing a new hill, because that's what we do as we move forward in Life.  We traverse those endless hills and valleys.  From the viewpoint of the upward slope of this current hill, I look over my shoulder....just once....to survey the recent wreckage.  Then I turn and keep walking forward, and upward.  What is ahead of me is wide open road.