Sunday, August 28, 2011

Look me in the eyes

Photo courtesy of Aglet Photography
Eye contact.  I wrote a short blurb about this in a recent blog post.  I did that because I had had the subject on my mind for several days.  It had me pondering and as I said to another friend, when I start thinking, the inevitable outcome is that I start writing.

We all know the old saying that the eyes are the window to the Soul.  I agree with this 100%.  Each of us is different in the manner that we connect with others.  For some of us, making and maintaining eye contact is simple.  Just something that you do.  For others, it is a challenge, and something to be avoided at all costs.  This is a protective mechanism, and usually happens for good reason.  If you delve deeply enough with those who are careful with making eye contact, you will find a lot of trust issues beneath the surface, married to a lot of painful experiences.

I think everyone has heard the old axiom that "the eyes are the window to the soul".  Most of us will agree that people who don't make significant eye contact impart a less than trustworthy vibe.  This is a snap judgment, of course, and may be an unfair one, depending upon the situation and the individual.

For me, eye contact is important.  In every relationship that I have, I want that strong connection to be there.  Friendship, family, business connections, as well as more intimate relationships - all need to have that level of connection, trust and the sense that you are being seen, being heard, and being embraced.

Gazing wordlessly into one another's eyes.  That is profound.  The wordless part is usually what causes people to become skittish and glance away.  When you meet a person who doesn't do this, who engages in that gaze without flinching, this is an incredible moment.  Thoughts wash through the mind, emotions are triggered, and a sense of being the very center of that person's immediate world exists.  Pretty powerful stuff!  This creates a level of willing, intentional vulnerability, meaning that you allow yourself to become vulnerable in that moment and with that other person. It also creates a bond, that wordless moment, that is indefinable.  And really, definitions aren't always necessary.

That experience, that wordless gaze, is a microcosmic moment that doesn't require anything else.  Fleeting, yes.  But with lasting impact.  Moments such as these can be a catalyst.  From one moment to the next, the world changes. Perhaps not in an earth shaking, cataclysmic manner, but change does occur.  And thinking follows.  Pondering, absorbing, reflecting.  All from one long, quiet shared look between two sets of eyes.

We each have those experiences that we remember as being a turning point.  Something occurred to stop time, briefly, with enough dramatic force that you felt the shift as a tangible instant.  Your own personal earthquake, where those emotional tectonic plates were rearranged, permanently.  From a glance, you ask?  Yes, for me, from a glance.  Well, a look is more to the point, as a glance is of short duration.  Maybe a new word needs to be created for that long, steady, quiet, powerful exchange.  "Staring" doesn't fit, as it robs the experience of depth and warmth.

Whatever label you choose to apply, there is great value in giving yourself to such a moment.  Looking into another person's eyes for long, long moments with no words, no nerves, no agenda, and no reserve is profound.

This was the thought in my last Grasshopper Thoughts post (Grasshopper Thoughts, Vol. V, August 2011) that prompted this blog article:

Look me in the eyes when we're together.  During conversation, during quiet moments, just a glance is sometimes enough; other times, a long and meaningful moment is profound....show me who you are in this way, and I will do the same. - SDS, August 2011



29 comments:

  1. Looking in the other person's eyes while talking is quite an experience. A lot more can be told or communicated through this process.
    I once tried to do it on a few people and it was unnerving for them and somewhat for me.. Requires a lot of patience and concentration... now and again the spoken words would reflect in the person eyes and at times they would be muffled...
    Interesting it is...

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  2. Savira, it can be a very interesting exercise! I tend to look directly into the eyes of the person I'm speaking to, and I find a similar reaction happens to the one you described. People aren't used to that kind of focused attention. I still find it important to do...and feel it is a form of respect, as well as connection on many levels. With your incredible soul & energy, I imagine such a conversation and eye contact would be deeply satisfying. Thank you so much for the lovely comment!

    Dawn

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  3. As G.K. Chesterton said, “There is a road from the eye to the heart that does not go through the intellect.” A deep gaze can bypass the mind and penetrate the soul. And stopping life long enough to fix your eyes upon another means you deeply care, you are interested in soul matters, not just superficial chit-chat. “How are you?”

    “I’m fine, how are you?” This kind of shallow interaction that comes from a mere glance in the other’s direction stops at the mind level and goes no further toward meaningful connection.

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  4. Debra, I agree...superficial chit chat is a sad, sparse thing in regard to communication. I much prefer the deep gaze, full of intent, curiosity and emotion. The gaze that I shared not long ago is still having reverberations in my life, it was that profound a moment. From one breath to the next, I was changed. I'm still adapting to the changes, and very appreciative that I'm of the deep gaze mentality. Thank you for visiting! :)

    Dawn

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  5. Dawn, You are absolutely right about one moment changing your life, mine changed with one deep, long look of quiet affection.It was as if time had frozen and all the people in the room had vanished, I could hear nothing but my heartbeats and see nothing but the soul-piercing look in his eyes. That one moment defined me and my purpose on this Earth. I was born to be gazed at for an instant by him and was to be branded for life.

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  6. Sulekkha, your comment stopped my very breath. Oh my...what a wondrous experience for you. I knew that others reading this post just had to recognize what I was speaking of, yet it's so challenging to describe with mere words. The emotions and dramatic change that such a moment can have are almost beyond expression. We feel it. We recognize it in our heart and our Spirit flies on the bounty of it all. Your moment is a thing of beauty and I am so happy that your life changing experience was so beautiful.

    Namaste' to you, bright one!

    Dawn

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  7. I so enjoyed absorbing this lovely post, Dawn...I am also of the deep gaze mentality. Deeply gazing into another is always profound -- for it seems that we do see into the other, through the eyes. Like you, I treasure and appreciate this aspect of my being; I love connecting with others in this deeply soulful way.

    I do love visiting and soaking up your beautiful thoughts and insights...thank you!

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  8. Bec, I love seeing your name here! When I was writing this article, inspired by my own personal experience, I expected that most people would be of my same ilk. Those deep gazers. I have talked with several on a private basis who prefer to not write public comments who feel just the exact opposite, and I find no fault in that mindset. Gazing deeply into another set of eyes is so personal and many just aren't in a mental and emotional space to embrace such a level of connection. I'm happy that you're one of the ones who embrace this with fervor, my friend! I am so enjoying getting to know you via blogging! :)

    - Dawn

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  9. I tend to look directly into people's eyes when I am communicating with them. I think it's courtesy and lets them know you are interested. In fact I had an argument with my husband about it on Saturday. We were out for a meal and while I was talking he was looking beyond me and around at the other diners. It was constant and it upset me because I didn't feel he was interested in what I had to say at all. When he speaks, I always look at him. I didn't want deep gazing etc, just courteous eye contact..

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  10. This is a really great post for people in the Western Hemisphere. However, in many, many places, especially in Asia and the Eastern Hemisphere, it is considered impolite to make eye contact. People from those places who move to the West often struggle with this issue. These cultural differences must be at least quickly addressed in a post and taken into consideration, especially if your goal is to discuss issues "on a global level."

    Some of my Asian friends had never heard the saying "the eyes are the window to the soul," either. It is a good practice to try to refrain from saying, "We ALL are familiar with," as inevitably you will get a comment from someone who never heard that, and you made them feel stupid. :-)

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  11. Great post as usual, Dawn. It's amazing how much one can communicate through the eyes. I remember when I belonged to a youth group and was particularly close to two other members. One day we were ticked off by another member because apparently our 'eye communication' was making people uncomfortable! Also I agree with Ame, eye contact in Asian countries, including India, depends on a lot of factors - for example, a child is never supposed to look in to a father's eyes when talking to him - it is taken as a sign of arrogance! Things are changing of course in urban India, but not completely...

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  12. Ame, thanks for pointing out that it is considered impolite to make eye contact in some cultures! I'll just pretend my hubby is from another culture and let it go! :))

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  13. Ame, you have a valid point about different cultures approaching this concept with a different perspective. I prefer not to use expressions like "making [sic] them feel stupid", because it is never my intention to belittle or demean anyone here at Healing Morning. I certainly make mistakes and overlook things, so for that oversight, I bow to your knowledge and agree that other cultures do look at this concept differently. Respectful discourse on any topic is welcome here. Thank you for visiting! :)
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    Corinne, when I was a child, there was a similar mindset with my grandparents. They were descendants of Irish immigrants and some of the Old World mentality still filtered down through the generations; my Grandfather wasn't a fan of direct eye contact from the grandkids when he was delivering a lecture. At the same time, he would become annoyed if it appeared we, as grandkids, weren't paying attention to said lecture! LOL...I guess that's a typical Catch 22. I'm glad to hear that the tendency is beginning to shift a bit in your country, because I think eye contact is such a valuable practice and allows us to grow on myriad levels. Thank you, as always, for visiting and adding your bright energy to this thread! :)
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    Fortysomething, I had to laugh at your comment! That was priceless humor and much appreciated. I am now intrigued and interested to visit your blog in return, which I will do after posting this reply.

    Warm thanks to you all,

    Dawn

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  14. Aw thanks Dawn! And I see you are descended from Irish Immigrants. I am typing this from Ireland!

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  15. Fortysomething, I apologize - I missed your first post up there in the thread of conversation about your experience w/ your husband. I can completely relate to your sense of frustration in that moment, and feeling that you weren't being given his complete attention. That's one of those tricky parts of relationships and the dynamic between men and women, yes? It makes you wonder, if you could have slipped into your husband's head for a wee moment at dinner that day, what you might have discovered of his thought process!

    And ohhh, you're from Ireland? How fascinating! My family on my Mom's side of the family were Reagans (originally O'Reagan before coming to America) and Nelsons and Pratts, and they hailed predominantly from County Cork. :)

    Dawn

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  16. Healing Morning, I know you wouldn't ever want to make someone feel stupid. Years ago I gave a speech on a similar topic, and several people approached me afterward and told me they had never heard some of the sayings I had referred to, and because of the way I put it, I had made them feel very stupid. It was very awkward, but a good lesson that I always keep with me.

    I think part of the reason for the differences in eye contact in some places is the difference in personal space boundaries. In the US, it's about 3 feet. In other countries it's about 1 foot. Try standing 1 foot from someone and look into their eyes. I've tried this experiment before, and it is nerve-wracking for me! :-)

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  17. Ame, that personal space boundary thing is a biggie, isn't it?! I live in East TN and we have a very diverse cultural base here with people from all over the world. I have noticed that same thing that you mentioned - we Americans have a much wider personal space boundary than other countries. I can only imagine how a direct glance at such close quarters would feel if it were happening with a complete stranger. It might even be challenging w/ someone we're very comfortable with. Boundaries and different cultural applications are fascinating and I enjoy learning the nuances. I visited your blog, btw, and really enjoyed it! Left a comment on the blog post about money & not demonizing it - really enjoyed your thoughts on that. :)

    And I LOVE this type of interactive discussion! :)

    Namaste',

    Dawn

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  18. Dawn, the eyes hold many treasures and I agree that eye contact is key for me in communicating in a deep way. But, when people have badness on the inside, their gaze is quite troublesome! I used to work at a bookstore when I first came to NYC and this man used to come in and stare into my eyes while I was working behind the cash register! I met his glare each time, but was very unnerved. He soon stopped bothering me when he saw what was in my eyes. Defiance and determination to not be intimidated!
    :-)

    http://lyricfire.typepad.com/lyric-fire/2011/08/lyric-fire-look-at-my-fabulous-life-episode-3-home-alone-with-vanessa-stone.html

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  19. Tameka, what an unpleasant thing for you to have to weather w/ that odd man! I'm glad you found level ground with it and didn't back down, but it's a shame someone else felt disenfranchised to the degree that they had to attempt to invade your own space. People are strange, as the song lyrics go. The key factor here was that you clearly recognized a lack of stable presence when you met his eyes. Forewarned is forearmed in such moments. I'm happy this episode fizzled when you stood your ground. :)

    - Dawn

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  20. A good people photographer will use the eyes and when you touch someone, there eye's change. Thus a response that can be captured on film. papa

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  21. Papa!!! Oh, my word, my little heart just leaped when I rec'd the email alert that you had commented. I miss you. I had forgotten that one of your past occupations was photography, but should've remembered, given those amazing photos you post over at Michael's Kitchen. The photo w/ this post is of my own eyes, from a photo session w/ a good friend a few months ago. I loved what he captured in my expression and that's why I decided to use it as the illustration to the blog itself. Thank you for visiting today, Papa. It made me smile all the way to my heart. I love you. <3

    Dawn

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  22. Wow Tameka. That must have felt weird. It's amazing what you can convey with your eyes!

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  23. I think eye contact was part of what my Dad was talking about when he described someone as having "an open face." It just makes you feel more comfortable.

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  24. Canyn, that's such an apt way to describe it! Your Dad is a smart man. I agree, it does make you feel more comfortable when people make eye contact, at least here in our Western culture. Thank you for stopping by, visiting and leaving a great comment! I'm heading over to visit you in return.

    - Dawn

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  25. Wow. This post gave me good and incredible shivers.

    And, for once, left me speechless.

    People probably would like more of that. :)

    Thanks, Dawnie.

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  26. "Good and incredible shivers". Why didn't I think of that?! LOL...Dave, that was perfect. It describes beautifully what I was attempting to convey, so I'm glad you visited and wrote the thought down. Good and incredible is high praise, indeed, and I'm smiling in response. :)

    Much love,
    Dawnie

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  27. Dawn...this was a great post, I read the interplay in the comments and really enjoyed the thread that this topic evoked.

    Every comment had another piece of valuable information to add. My partner has amazing eye contact. He has beautiful blue eyes that captures your soul and holds it..in a good way. He loves conviviality, and when you talk to him, he holds eye contact...you know that he is with you every step of the way. I love that.I have watched him with others and people become mesmerized...he can make you feel like you are the only one on the planet.

    I agree with Fortysomething..if someone is looking at everything around or behind me while I am talking I loose interest very quickly. I feel discounted and that he or she is not interested in what I have to say. I know people like that and they are very hard to have a conversation with. I do take the responsibility that this is my discomfort..obviously not theres.

    In the eyes I can see, sense and feel joy, sadness, fear, dislike, indifference, love, pain etc...eyes are another form of communication if you are willing to see.

    For me, I embrace eye contact and all the nuances it brings to any experience of human contact.

    I have experienced the " Good and Incredible Shivers"...it is like a long slow kiss..without touching. It draws you in and holds you forever...never to be the same again. That is " The Dance of the Souls"...a moment in time and nothing is said...a very thought provoking post Dawn...thank you for this...Alays...

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  28. "...it is like a long slow kiss..without touching". Oh my. I am IN LOVE with that statement, Raven! Truly in love. It says so much, and you hit the very depth and dimension of it all. How beautiful. I am almost speechless (well, not really - you know I always have words!) at the comment you've given me, and honored me with here at Healing Morning. Someday, dear one, we're going to have our own gaze in the same physical space and I look forward to that day. I am sure it will be transcendent. Thank you, from my heart, for this lovely and thoughtful comment. <3

    I love you,

    Dawn

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  29. Thanks Dawn & FortySomething. It was a test for me that I needed. Being in a new city I had to learn to stand my ground. I feel blessed that I had all I needed in a glance to do it!

    http://lyricfire.typepad.com/lyric-fire/2011/09/lyric-fire-who-am-i-soul-inner-viewing.html

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