Wednesday, March 7, 2012

If it feels bad....pursue detachment!


Photo:  www.stopstressingnow.com

I get this wonderful e-newsletter each day in my Inbox.  It's called The Daily Love, and is the brain child of Mastin Kipp.  He starts each newsletter with a series of quotes chosen to underscore the content of his current Daily Love post.  Quite often, those quotes give me that "A-ha!" moment, and the subsequent ponderings occasionally will spark my own blog article.  Below is such a quote:

All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.
- Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, quote taken from The Daily Love newsletter

We all know one, or probably several people who insist on focusing on negatives.  Emotional vampires.  People who insist on believing the worst of others.  People who insist on believing that everyone out there in the world is jealous of them, wants what they have and that all those other people are spiteful, hateful and envious.  They can take the most mundane, innocuous, sincere comment and warp it into something ugly, despite the fact that such negative, ugly intent was never intended.

Here is one thought that I know to be absolute truth:  if YOU spend the vast majority of your life believing that everyone else in the world is exhibiting one or more negative emotions such as jealousy and envy, the actual truth here is that YOU are describing yourself.  That may sound a bit convoluted, as it appears repetitive.  Let me put it into a different format:

We are incapable of accusing another person of a negative emotion unless we, ourselves, are guilty of fostering and acting out that same negative emotion. 

Do you insist that others are jealous of you?  Spiteful and envious?  I posit to you that you would never recognize such traits unless YOU are capable of perpetrating the same thoughts, behaviors and emotions.  Those are just random emotions and traits I plugged in as an example, but any negative emotion will fit the same premise.  Anger, hatred, envy, jealousy, discontentment, sour disposition.  I just do not believe we accuse people of things we're not also capable of harboring inside.

Another strong truth along this same line of thinking is that if you spend large amounts of time proclaiming all these other people to be a specific negative, who are you trying to convince?  If you actually need to constantly voice this opinion and insist it in a public forum, most likely, you're trying to convince yourself.

People who are emotionally healthy, balanced, happy and content won't even give thought or time to such an activity.  Emotionally healthy people find no need to waste valuable time and energy focusing on such negative behavior.  Emotionally healthy people recognize that what other people do, say or feel is really none of their business.  Why devote so much energy into trying to convince the world that other people are behaving in a negative manner??  What does that really accomplish?  It merely promotes more tension and negativity, and that, in turn, turns that negative energy inward.  I am not saying this is a 100% claim, but I notice that people who dwell in negativity like this quite often battle health issues that are difficult to diagnose.   All that negative energy that is being spewed outward tends to come right back to that person, multiplied, and it bombards their physical and etheric bodies with a level of toxicity that begins to spark health issues.  The sad part is, these people who dwell in negativity rarely see that they are a strong link in their own maladies.

Let me also say that I am not indicating every illness is self-initiated.  I am speaking of a very specific behavior here, where an individual knowingly and consciously focuses extreme levels of negativity and accusations outward.  From a psychological standpoint, there is a term called "leveling" that disturbed patients will adopt in order to manipulate those they see as "better than" in some manner.

These behaviors interfere with the normal process of socialization and character development, and they also often serve as tactics to manipulate and control others. - Counselingresource.com & Dr. George Simon, PhD. Psychology, Philosopy & Real Life blog, 2009
I am not indicating that every person out there who gets stuck in a negative mindset is emotionally and/or mentally disturbed, but I will point out again that those who are in a healthy state rarely waste time on this type of behavior.

Do we all have bad days and moments of crabbiness where we recognize ugly behavior and motives in others?  Of course we do!  And being able to recognize these things is a vital coping skill in today's world where we are bombarded with so much negativity on a daily basis.  Recognizing a negative behavior is one thing; endorsing and embracing a negative behavior is a completely different thing.  One is a sort of diagnostic ability and valuable to keep us on an even keel and able to avoid those negative personalities.  The other is literally making that choice to embrace negative thoughts and behaviors on a daily basis.  I think most of us would prefer to be the former of the two and able to take that proverbial High Road.

It is also important to note that people who dwell in these very dark, obsessive and unhappy states of mind are so caught in a whirlpool of their own discord that this is all they can experience. I imagine it must be a self-perpetuating cycle, and a very sad one.  Focusing blame on the rest of the world in order to make oneself feel superior is a truly sad state of existence, and these people are literally screaming to the world that they are in pain.  Sadder still, they spew their confusion, rage and childhood scars out onto the world in such a toxic manner that they are unaware of how abusive their behavior is towards others.

As happiness is what we all want, I always advocate looking within when something is making us feel a negative emotion.  The easiest definition or diagnostic tool we are given is a very simple one - if it feels bad, then something is wrong!  Plain and straightforward, yes?  If something or someone makes you feel badly, then that something or someone doesn't serve your better good. If it is a behavior you are exhibiting, honesty is necessary to change that behavior.  If it is a behavior coming from others and you have identified it as such, it is up to you to be strong enough to either address that negativity from those people, or be strong enough to choose to excise them from your daily life.  Both options require some work, some bravery and some pragmatism.  Often, some of those negative people are ones we love as friends or as family members, so the choice to cut those relationships takes time and careful thought.

In my younger days, I would frequently feel huge amounts of frustration when I interacted with people like this - the ones who dwell in negative mindset.  It took me a while to find balance and to instill personal boundaries.  That boundaries thing is one I still wrestle with, but it is now much easier.  That simple diagnostic tool of, "How does this make me feel?  Good?  Great!  Bad?  Then address the issue!" has become an automatic reflex for me, and one of the most valuable actions I can take.  Yes, there are moments with this where I stumble, because I give too many Second Chances and I tend to lead with love, forgiveness and compassion.  That is something I like about myself and that will likely never change, BUT I have also come to the realization that this mindset of mine can become a hindrance if I allow people too much leeway. I work on it regularly, this setting of boundaries, and for the most part, I feel that my life is abundantly blessed with like minded Souls who focus on the positives in life.

Those around me who choose darkness and negativity will always spark compassion within my heart, but I also know that detachment from such people is critical to my own well being.  I check in with myself endless times each day with that "How does this make me feel?" question.  In the beginning, this action can feel cumbersome and exhausting, but with repetition and mindfulness, it becomes a very healthy and beneficial habit.  The Daily Love article annotated above focuses on forgiveness being vital in these instances where we run up against negative mindset in others.  I agree with this wholeheartedly, and add my own thought that forgiveness with detachment is what works best for me.

Recognize the behavior in that other person that is negative, extend your heart in understanding, compassion, love and forgiveness....and remember to give yourself that same understanding, compassion, love and forgiveness followed up with detachment.  What do I mean by "detachment"?  I mean accepting this person for who they are, choosing how you will allow their presence in your life, or choosing to step back from regular interaction with them, and being okay with either outcome....this is detachment.  And believe me, it is challenging!  It is human nature to want to engage in the negativity, to defend ourselves against untruths and accusations that are motivated by darkness.  The reality is, nothing we say, no matter how much we attempt to explain, or respond to negativity, people who dwell in that place aren't going to be receptive.  Our Ego wants to jump right in and fight that battle.  Detachment, I have found, serves me much better and complements my Life Choices.

Finding that place of detachment where you do not attach ego to the outcome is a Big Ticket Item for all of us to work towards. What I can say of my own path with detachment is that it is the most freeing state of mind.  Achieving detachment is a whole separate blog post....probably hundreds of articles....so I will simply say it is a state that I seek actively.  Detachment doesn't mean being cold and withdrawn.  It means being in the most healthy mindset possible for YOU, loving and releasing attachment to what others think, say and do, then moving forward to pursue what makes you happiest.  You can choose to engage with that toxic person and expend a great deal of wasted energy, but ultimately it is more important to make yourself happy.  That person attacking you, vilifying you or jabbing at you won't change their behavior because of you, but YOU can choose to not engage, to forgive, to release with love and compassion, and seek detachment. That person may actually escalate their toxic behavior for a time, because you are not responding as they want; you are not playing their toxic game properly in their eyes.  How those people react is not your problem or your focus.  Your own mental and emotional health and harmony are what matters, because ultimately, a happy, healthy you will be a much more effective tool of change in the world.

The really interesting part of practicing detachment is that once you get the hang of it, and fully embrace it, you will find that the instances of negatively motivated people begin to fall off dramatically.  Detachment helps to cut the cycle of engaging in unhealthy, reactive behavior.  It allows us a healthy distance to recognize that those negatively motivated people are lost and stuck in a morass of seething emotions, without the coping skills to seek a better path.  This realization allows compassionate thought, understanding and love to step in, and forgiveness to be exercised.  It's a process, I won't lie to you, but it is a process well worth investing your time and attention.

My Granny Reagan, whom I quote often, phrased it very succinctly:

Tending to your own backyard will keep you plenty busy.  Don't worry about what others are planting, or if they're letting weeds grow.  Focus on your yard and let them do the same.          - Alpha Celestia Nelson Reagan


The answer is always within; we just have to be brave enough to search for it and absorb those truths.  Another strong truth is that there is only perceived lack, which will motivate those negative behaviors - in actual truth, there is enough everything for everyone.  If we can embrace this positive energy, Life begins to shift in a beautiful manner and there is simply no time left over to dwell in any other state but a positive one.  Choose good things for yourself.  Choose things and people who lift you up and encourage you, rather than those who tear you down and suck you dry.  Choose to embrace looking within and recognize what your own connection to Divine Presence is telling you, and act accordingly.  Easier said than done, of course, but each day gives us a chance to start fresh with better choices.  Make those better choices and watch how Life blossoms for you!

35 comments:

  1. I needed this today! I used to get The Daily Love! But I don't anymore! I am going to subscribe again!! Great post!!

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    1. Jenn, I'm so glad you enjoyed the post! And I'm happy you're subscribing to The Daily Love again. A dear friend turned me onto TDL and I find so much to be appreciative of in the daily newsletters that hit my Inbox. This particular topic seems to be one hitting the consciousness of many here lately, so that's why I decided to write my own thoughts about it. Thank you for visiting, reading and leaving your comment!

      - Dawn

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  2. What a fantastic piece. There is so much truth in here. I used to be a very negative person until one day I woke up. Now I do not allow the negativity to bring me down, from myself or other people. Within myself, I acknowledge how I am feeling but I know that it will pass, so I do not feed it. In the past, I dwelt on it and fed the negativity and fears. I once looked at the world in a terrible light and thought everyone was out to get me. Since I changed that view about 15 years ago, only good things have happened! You are right. Make better choices and watch how life blossoms!

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    1. Fsmum, what a brave admission you've shared here. I think we all have lived in that space of negativity at some point in our lives. The brave ones finally do wake up and choose to change, so brava to you! Your comment, "Within myself, I acknowledge how I am feeling but I know that it will pass, so I do not feed it" is SUCH a good example to share! Bad stuff hits, people will try our nerves and we'll have those negative emotions hit, but we CAN choose to not feed them. I loved your comment! Namaste', dear one. <3

      - Dawn

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  3. Absolutely beautiful piece and right on the mark! And totally LOVE Granny Reagan! I totally live by the "drama free zone" concept. Sometimes, you just gotta draw a line. LOVED THIS Dawnie...~Big hugs, xoxo

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    1. Leah, "drama free zone" concept is such a good, self-loving thing to do! Respecting ourselves is important, because we do teach people how to treat us. If they see us setting firm boundaries from the get-go, then there's no gray area.

      I'm glad my Granny's wisdom touched you. I have given thought to writing a book with all of her homilies and mountain wisdom. :)

      Much love to you, sweet girl. <3

      - Dawnie

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  4. What your Granny Reagan said so beautifully and succinctly here reminded me of what Dorothy said after returning home from Oz: "If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because, if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with."
    We all do need to search ourselves within, for there is where we can see who we are, what our attitudes are, and change what needs changing.
    What an inspirational and positive post today, Dawn! So glad I stopped by!
    Blessings to you!

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    1. Oh my, Martha, what a great analogy! That just made me smile, because Dorothy's words are so true. That whole movie has a lot of spiritual application, for those who choose to see deeper beyond the entertainment value. I definitely ascribe to being as honest with myself as possible when I'm dwelling in negativity. I want to recognize it for what it is and then explore what really prompted the negative behavior so I can tend that wound and help it heal more quickly. "Change what needs changing". Yes, indeedy, that's a daily goal of mine.

      Much love to you, dear girl! <3

      - Dawn

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    2. Yes, that film does have much underlying spiritual themes. It amazes me that it was a favorite as a child and one I still glean wisdom and inspiration from as an adult.
      Thanks so much for your lovely comment on my blog today. I have responded. :)

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  5. Well said, my dear girl, very well said. I have no time to waste on dwelling in the darkness, or allowing painful things to live rent free in my head! Too right my dear, too right! I love your post, but then again, you knew I would, eh?

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    1. Tinker, I always love when you and I end up traipsing through one another's noggins like we did today! Clearly, this topic needed attention and look at how many people it is touching in your post and this one. Yep, very timely for both of us.

      Loving you, sister-mine. Thank you for visiting. <3

      - Dawnie

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  6. Beautiful post. I subscribe to Daily Love....and to be candid, I don't always enjoy all the posts. But the quotes are always thought provoking. I sometimes used to go on a negativity spiral, and it used to be very hard for me to come out. I always did, but I found it frustrating. I have consciously made an effort to live in the moment, in the present, each day. To find happiness in small things...to give joy to people around me on a daily basis. No big plans, no major worries....I can positively say that I am mostly happy.

    Another thing that works for me is forgiveness with detachment. I cannot forgive but still keep in touch and dwell in negativity or keep being hurt in a relationship. I detach myself and let it go. I always genuinely wish happiness and the best for the other person, but detachment is necessary for me.

    Great post!

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  7. Shachi, I don't always enjoy every post on The Daily Love either. Sometimes there will be a streak of reposts, but I guess that's to be expected - everyone deserves time off here and there. The cool thing for me, like you mentioned, is that even if the content of that post doesn't speak to me, quite often the quotes at the top WILL make an impact.

    Detachment - it's almost its own Holy Grail, given the freedom and lightness of heart it can promote when we put sincere effort into embracing that mindset. I'm so happy that you're in such a healthy state of mind these days. I can feel it, the brightness, coming through in your words here. Go YOU, chickadee! :)

    - Dawn

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  8. Fantastic piece, I loved this all so true, I try to practice detachment, it can be difficult. I get more successful at it everyday.

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    1. Jan, I agree - it's one of the more difficult states to achieve, but so worth it! And yes, with practice and strong intent, it gets easier each day. I'm so happy for you that you're in such a positive place! Thank you for visiting. :)

      - Dawn

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  9. Dawn- Fantabulous is all I can say about this post!!!
    I have been having the same thoughts for several weeks about this very topic- thanks for much for putting it out there! I brought it up a my Holistic Pet Health Panel on Monday night with a slight twist- if you do not feel comfortable asking your veterinarian about issues with your pet, GET A NEW VET!
    So true in most aspects of our lives and I have been taking lots of strides to rid even more negative cobwebs cluttering up my life lately.
    I always love your blog posts! Thanks so much for your wisdom and talent to put it out there so we can all "get it"!

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    1. Lorelei, "negative cobwebs" is a great expression! It's an insidious thing that happens, creeping up on us and infiltrating so much of our lives. Recognizing those cobwebs for what they are is the first and best step, because enlightenment and taking that Higher Road feels SO MUCH better!

      It makes me smile that you enjoy coming here. Now I'm off to visit you in return! :)

      Namaste', dear one.

      - Dawn

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    2. Lorelei, I tried to visit your blog, but when I click your name here, it takes me to a page with the Trigeminal Neuralgia Group, rather than your blog. If you get the chance, can you post a direct link to your blog, if you have one? I'd love to visit!

      Thanks,
      Dawn

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  10. Dawn, as always your posts are always so uplifting. I just wrote a poem yesterday which I can relate so much to your post. I am in the path of healing, moving away from negativity and it is so liberating. Living for so many years with an alcoholic had really broken me and I know I am detached about all the abuses and taunts and I am detached and yet understand and am compassionate about the person who put me through so much. Thank you for sharing this.

    http://rimlybezbaruah.blogspot.in/2012/03/aftermath.html

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    1. Rimly, I grew up with alcohol abuse in my home (my father) and several extended family members suffer from it as well. I know the damage it causes to all relationships, so I can commiserate and relate to what you experienced. Because of those childhood wounds, I spent many years finding relationships that mirrored that negative energy. Today, I am happy to say that I've found peace and acceptance of those childhood experiences. Through practicing forgiveness and finding that space of detachment, I am now attracting healthy relationships. It is such a blessing and I'm very happy you're walking a similar path these days.

      Sending you smiles!

      - Dawn

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    1. Janaki, thank you for visiting! I'm happy this made an impact for you. :)

      - Dawn

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  12. Only through life's painful experiences can we learn these lessons, and you have learned them well. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful truth which we will all benefit from. I am grateful for the priceless gift in you Dawnie girl and grateful for our friendship!
    Loving you....Janie

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    1. Janie, this one took me many years to learn. I had a lot of backsliding moments where I did get sucked into the pointless battles, but eventually, I recognized that that served no positive purpose. I think being an observer of human nature has ended up giving me some objective distance, so then achieving detachment wasn't that big a leap. Thank you for visiting and leaving such a kind and wonderful comment, Janie! I am appreciative of our friendship as well, and I love you dearly. <3

      - Dawnie

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  13. Dawn, this post is so on point! I just tweeted about this recently: "If you are ALWAYS in conflict, then perhaps you're the irritant."

    This statement resonated with a few folks too because we all know someone who is always in conflict. They could be the greatest people, but somehow someone else is always out to get them. I love to people watch. I do this with strangers and also with people who I know and I had noticed something to this effect in someone I really like. The pointers you give on how to deal with this type of person or even yourself are priceless.

    I think we can all sometimes fall into this if we aren't careful. Thanks as always for taking us to school! :-)



    My guest post on digital publishing on The Monice Magazine: http://themonicemagazine.wordpress.com/write-on-wednesday/write-on-wednesday-my-date-with-digital-publishing/

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    1. Tameka, what a great statement! "If you're always in conflict, then perhaps you're the irritant." Spot ON, my friend!

      I'm very much like you with the people watching, observing of humanity type of personality. I love to figure out what makes people tick, why they do what they do. If I can understand their motivations, then I can express compassion. The tricky part for me over the years has always been setting healthy boundaries; I tend to forgive to my own detriment, and that's not healthy. Detachment has been key in my own growth process. Understand, forgive and detach.

      Sadly, there are those who will never step outside of their own inner chaos to recognize how toxic they are. Those are the ones that require some focused energy on our part to set those strong boundaries. I have a few in my life about whom I'm still pondering my next steps. For now, the intent on my part is to achieve harmony, but I recognize it just may not be possible with only my effort and intent. Time will tell as to whether I need to completely walk away, but being the soft-hearted, determinedly loving person I am, I keep hoping for miracles. :)

      Thank you for visiting and walking with me, sister-mine! Now I'm off to read your guest post.

      Much love!

      - Dawn

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  14. We must be sisters from other misters, because I swear we are often on the same wavelength! :-)

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    1. Child, I so agree with you! These are the bright blessings in life, when we connect with those sisters-of-the-heart, kind of against all odds, and something beautiful is born. We're definitely sisters, Tameka, and I'm glad we found one another. :)

      - Dawn

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  15. Dawn, I struggled with this issues all of my life and I still do. Early on I allowed toxic people the privilege of staying in my life. I was too weak to draw boundaries. But as I matured, had children, etc, I learned how to create boundaries, and also how to separate myself from some really toxic people. I still love these dear ones but I simply can't allow them to poison my life.

    I just lost a friend last week who was one of those people. I was happy to see that she had found some peace before she died.

    I no longer feel bad about taking care of myself and seeking out the people who bring light to my life. Which you are one of my dear Dawnie. I do however recognize my habit of giving in to them too easily. This is something I'm still working on overcoming.

    Hugs,
    Leah

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    1. Leah, I think it's a lifelong balance that most of us seek. I know it's been a learning process for me, and it is ongoing. Some days I do better than others, and as you mentioned, with age comes growth and wisdom. That loving of a toxic personality is one of the most challenging things, isn't it? Painful to detach from them because of that love, but the most healthy thing we can do for ourselves.

      Hugs back to you, dear girl. I'm off to visit you in return!

      - Dawnie

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  16. Oh dear Dawn, this is right on time! “…if it feels bad, then something is wrong!”
    Your diagnostic tool, “How does this make me feel,” is simple but effective. I like the concept of “forgiveness with detachment.” Detachment is a spiritual principle I’ve learned to embrace over the past several years, for attachment to anything or anyone can impede our own growth and ability to soar. It can be a weight like a albatross around our necks.
    Love the quote, “Tending to your own backyard will keep you plenty busy…” That says it all!

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    1. Debra, yes, my Granny was a true lady and she was full of homespun wisdom. I wish that I had known her as an adult, because I imagine I could have learned so much more from her.

      I do that "How does this make me feel?" checking in with myself constantly. The first month of so, I had to consciously remind myself, but now that I've been doing it for years it's become habit. And it's so valuable to literally cut whatever negative cycle is occurring. And you're so spot on with your comment of "attachment to anything or anyone can impede our growth and ability to soar". That's a strong truth, my dear friend. Some fine day, I look forward to the opportunity to sit on a front porch with you and while away some beautiful hours just chatting and visiting. :)

      Much love to you,

      Dawnie

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  17. Great post! Such an awesome reminder of what I perceive as a daily practice. A dear friend once said to me when I was feeling down and trying to sweep those feelings under the rug "Melinda, your feelings are facts!" It empowered me to look at my feelings and understand their root and how to process so I could "feel" better. Trying to sweep them away is not empowering but rather looking a little deeper and detaching from them so as not to identify with the negativity is far more productive.

    Like you pointed out, it takes practice, as anything worth while does. Thanks so much for sharing such inspiring words.

    In Rhythm & Harmony,
    Melinda

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    1. Melinda, I love what your friend said to you! "Your feelings are facts!" Solid truth there, and you're blessed to have her in your life to share that thought.

      I've always been an analytical person, so when I finally began to practice this internal dialog, pieces of the puzzle began to fall into place. Things began to make sense, and most importantly, I no longer felt confused and powerless.

      I so appreciate you taking time to visit, read this article and leave such a thoughtful comment! I look forward to visiting you in return.

      Namaste',

      Dawn

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